note: This is The Column, a part of Apolyton where primarily Markos and Dan write whatever we want :). Well, not just the two of us. The Column is open to everyone. If you feel like writing submit your article to civ2@gamestats.com

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#42 THE CivII RENAISSANCE Trend-setters betware: GP is not about to jump on your bandwagon. #43 UNTITLED Just like the title says... COLUMN ARCHIVE

Okay, first thing first. I have no idea what I'm writing. For all I know, I may be under the influences of several smoked plants. Or I may be a rambling idiot, take your pick. I do know that the first thing that flashed through my mind when I was asked to write The Column was "YAHOO, I'm going to be published." The second thought was "Oh crap, what am I going to write about??"

The Column focuses on two things, Civ and Apolyton. I had a problem. I haven't played CivI, CivII, CTP, or SMAC in a while (please, don't call me a heretic. I prefer infidel). As for Apolyton, I had no idea what to write about it. Should I write about its culture? Maybe I could do a topic on the recent flame wars that the Off Topic forum had, MarkG likes to call it a "forum war" but I prefer "The first movements of Armageddon". These thoughts raced through my mind until Sunday night when I realized, I missed The Simpsons. No, wait, I realized, I won't ever find a serious topic. So I chose to do a humorous topic instead. I mean, I'm good at humor right? (The little voice in my head says no. Damn that little voice.) So, I present to you, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted sea creatures; my column. The spelling will be horrible, the grammar will be impure. And the syntax will scare the s**t out of you. Let's continue with my topic: A day in the life of MarkG. If this doesn't make him ban me, nothing will.

Time: 12:00 pm
We begin our adventure in MarkG's room. Observe the empty pizza boxes littering the floor, marvel at the old bottles of vodka stacked in a corner, and watch as the dust settles, creating a layer of filth almost thick enough to hide the stains. These stains can tell you everything you want to know about MarkG. See that purple stain on the floor? That's from the time when MarkG overdosed on grape juice. The black stain was caused when MarkG tried greasing his hair back. With motor oil. That red stain is either from the time MarkG had a vampire cultist as a girlfriend or when he tried to cut his own hair. Now, before you think MarkG is a total pig, do you see any piles of dirty clothes lying around? No, you don't. This is due to the fact that MarkG hasn't worn clothes for the last two years....

Ah, now it's 12:10 and the alarm clock goes off. MarkG's favorite music group (the Spice Girls) starts singing at the top of their voices (come on people, lets sing! "If you wanna be my lover...") He jolts out of bed, and starts singing along in Swahili, a side effect of the Apolyton curse. He suddenly realizes what he's doing and stops. The alarm clock continues blasting out music until MarkG throws it out the window. This causes a bird to fly away from the window in fear. That bird attracts the attention of a house cat, forcing it to jump at the window in an attempt to catch its prey. The cat trips over a cord that leads to an alarm clock, unplugging it. The alarm clock was supposed to go off in two minutes to awaken the teacher that was going to give MarkG his final exam. The clock does not go off, the teacher sleeps in, and MarkG has to repeat that grade. The moral is, if you are a student and want to pass, do not have an alarm clock.

Time: 3:30 pm
After the mysterious disappearance of the teacher that was supposed to give him the final exam, MarkG decided to spend the rest of the day on his favorite server, ohio.net. Ohio? Yes, Ohio. Despite his claims, MarkG lives in Ohio. He pretends to be from Greece so people look up to him. But, you say, he speaks Greek! Yes, he does. Anyone can learn a language, MarkG learned Greek from a drunken prostitute he met when he was in New York, but that's a story for another day. Wait, you say, he lives in Thessaloniki. Well, have you ever visited him there? Have you seen pictures of it? Give me proof that he lives in Thessaloniki! You can't. So, he must live in Ohio. I'll let you in on a little secret, see that cute fort in the corner? The one built out of Lego and plastic blocks? That's Thessaloniki. Yep, MarkG got so bored one day that he created a whole town in his room. Do you see the family of rats living under the fort? That's MarkG's Apolyton family. There is a! rat for every poster. Those three rats in the corner are Boshko, Eroberer, and Kropotkin; the anarchist rats. The one playing with the electrical socket is called IntgrSpin, he's the curious kind. If you look hard enough, you might find Dominikos, the rat that works for The Conspiracy. Whether MarkG realizes the posters at Apolyton are real people and not rats is open to debate. At least he feeds them, when he remembers to.

Time: 1:00 am
Ah, evening. Everything is settling down. The rats have gone to sleep, the lights are dimmed, MarkG is still in his computer chair. That chair hasn't moved in the last year. It used to be white, but the layer of moss growing on it has turned it a beautiful shade of green. MarkG sits in the chair, relaxing after a tiring day of banning people. The moss slowly crawls up his right arm, slowly but noticeably. Hey, are you awake Mark? MarkG? Come on, snap out of it. Damn, he's in another computer induced coma. Oh well, goodnight everyone.

In the following weeks, watch out for "DanQ and Sir David: Seperated at birth?"
All people and places used in the Column were used for humor only.
If you have been offended, please no flames!!!

The opinions expressed on this page do not necessarily reflect those of Apolyton CS or GameStats. They are just the personal opinions of the writer.