28-11-2003 23:18									#1
	Officially Christmas time. Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

With today officially being the first day of the Christmas season I thought I'd make a Christmas thread for us all to reflect upon the banalty, crassness, and materialism this holiday has degenerated into. Then again lets not. It's been done so many times before here at poly so how about everyone just post their own thoughts on Xmas or maybe just a good Xmas joke.

I'll start us off with this oldie but goodie of a cartoon.


Edit by MtG - I guess everyone else is off today. If it wasn't my son's birthday, I'm sure I would have nailed this sooner.

Last edited by MichaeltheGreat on 29-11-2003 at 05:58

	28-11-2003 23:21									#2
	Avatar Enlargement: We've got the solution

BTW if that comic is to adult then will some mod please remove it? If it does pass then feel free to post other jokes.

	28-11-2003 23:24									#3
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Christmas season doesn't officially start until Epiphany. Don't mistake the Christmas shopping season with the former.

	28-11-2003 23:24									#4
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ok, here is a tamer joke. It's about Santa trying to make a snow angle.

Attachment: xmasjoke1.gif
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	28-11-2003 23:25									#5
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quote: Originally posted by chegitz guevara Christmas season doesn't officially start until Epiphany. Don't mistake the Christmas shopping season with the former.

When is the epiphany? I honestly don't know.

	28-11-2003 23:27									#6
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How to rob a snowman.

Attachment: xmasjoke2.gif
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	28-11-2003 23:27									#7
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Attachment: xmasjoke3.gif
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	28-11-2003 23:28									#8
	Put an end to popups!

I can defenitely see that first one getting the ax quickly.

"Christmas season"? Honestly, when did the end of Thanksgiving become the beginning of the Christmas season? When I immigrated 14 years ago, it did not seem that way..but it probalby already was.

	28-11-2003 23:28									#9
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This is why you need to always wear your seat belt.

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	28-11-2003 23:31									#10
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12 Days of Christmas - letters
December 14th
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes
------------------------------------------------------------------
December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 20th

John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those ****ing birds.

Sincerely, Agnes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours.

From Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 23rd

You Rotten *****:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 24th

Listen ****head:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 25th

(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law

	28-11-2003 23:33									#11
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"Politically Correct" Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

	28-11-2003 23:40									#12
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christmas is cancelled this year

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	28-11-2003 23:41									#13
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New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Government Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

	29-11-2003 00:03									#14
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quote: Originally posted by Oerdin BTW if that comic is to adult then will some mod please remove it? If it does pass then feel free to post other jokes.

Nice picture... though I guess it'll be deleted soon

	29-11-2003 04:04									#15
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Gangerolf, that picture reminds me of your (Norway's) arctic seal cub clubbing fest.


Melody: He's got the whole world in his hands

Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut på min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter för min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand



(With reservations for my lack of spelling and vocabulary skills in Norwegian language)

	29-11-2003 04:38									#16
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that's a golden oldie

pretty good spelling too, except it's jeg, not jag.
I've heard this verse as well "Jeg river loffene av den, av min sel"

It's not that brutal IRL of course. Clubbing is quite humane


Edit by MtG. Photos of people whacking dead or about to be dead animals in a "Christmas" joke thread more than somewhat exceeds the limits of good taste, let alone the thread subject.

Last edited by MichaeltheGreat on 29-11-2003 at 06:04

	29-11-2003 04:51									#17
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I'm sure clubbing is humane -- can we try it on you, to see how humane you believe clubbing is??

	29-11-2003 05:13									#18
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quote: Originally posted by MrFun I'm sure clubbing is humane -- can we try it on you, to see how humane you believe clubbing is??

I don't believe that any method of inflicting death is something an apolytoner would want inflicted on themselves . ..

However I know of no evidence that clubbing is any more or less humane than the method used to slaughter cows, pigs, chickens, sheep . . ..

	29-11-2003 05:21									#19
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the alternative would be to shoot them, you know. if you miss the vitals, the animal could suffer needlessly. it's hard to miss when you're up close like that.

	29-11-2003 05:28									#20
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So does seal taste good?

	29-11-2003 05:31									#21
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Che, by Epiphany, do you mean Advent?

Epiphany is not until January 6th.

Advent will be in a few days, November 30th, and signifies the preparation for Christ.

	29-11-2003 05:33									#22
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I hate that pic Gangerolf! I'd club those guys myself!

Bring them to me and they both die. And I would have no pitty.

Spec.
I hate animal cruelty!

	29-11-2003 05:39									#23
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are you a vegetarian?

	29-11-2003 05:44									#24
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No I a not. But I dont buy fur coats or statues made of Ivory.

Life feeds on life. But superficial stuff made out of animals is INHUMAN imo. They dont eat those seals you know, they only take the skin to make coats and they have to club the seals so that it doesn't die so the skin stays soft by the time they skin it off.

Pure animal crualty for some stupid f***ing coat that some bastard or bltch is going to wear and find them selfs sexy when what they are wearing is purely torture and death.

How about I club you but keep you alive and then skin you to make some coats out of you...

Some seals even take up to 2 hours after they are skinned to die.

It has no meaning in a thread called Christmas time is here.

Spec.

	29-11-2003 05:51									#25
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quote: Originally posted by Gangerolf the alternative would be to shoot them, you know. if you miss the vitals, the animal could suffer needlessly. it's hard to miss when you're up close like that.

Synthetic furs are mcuh more humane for our use.

	29-11-2003 05:58									#26
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Yes you can eat seal. It doesn't taste very good though, it's got that livery taste just like other marine mammals but it's still edible. It's also used to make dog food etc.


"and they have to club the seals so that it doesn't die so the skin stays soft by the time they skin it off."

I don't think that's true.

"Some seals even take up to 2 hours after they are skinned to die."

that's rediciolus. why would they skin them alive and then let them live after they're skinned??

I agree that hunting them just for the fur is unnecessary. But the main reason why they're being hunted (at least in the North Atlantic) is because there are so fricking many of them, they eat all the fish.


"It has no meaning in a thread called Christmas time is here."

agreed. it's all Ollies fault

	29-11-2003 06:01									#27
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quote: Originally posted by MrFun Synthetic furs are mcuh more humane for our use.

I agree. I'm just pointing out that clubbing is just as humane or even more humane than other methods.

	29-11-2003 06:07									#28
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quote: Originally posted by Spec ...statues made of Ivory.

I had one on in my living room (aquired before it was banned), until my 2 year old daughter smashed it against the floor. Well, it's easy to forgive your kids, but it surely was a waste...

quote: Life feeds on life. But superficial stuff made out of animals is INHUMAN imo. They dont eat those seals you know, they only take the skin to make coats and they have to club the seals so that it doesn't die so the skin stays soft by the time they skin it off.

My shoes and gloves are made from genuine lether

quote: Pure animal crualty for some stupid f***ing coat that some bastard or bltch is going to wear and find them selfs sexy when what they are wearing is purely torture and death.

Why would a woman need an animal fur, when she has her own?

quote: Some seals even take up to 2 hours after they are skinned to die

That's what my song (in Norwegian) was all about. It's excessively cruel

	29-11-2003 06:11									#29
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quote: Originally posted by Gangerolf agreed. it's all Ollies fault

C'mon! Christmas time is all about slaughtering animals. There's almost no vegetables on a Swedish christmas table, only meat dishes.

	29-11-2003 06:12									#30
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quote: Originally posted by Gangerolf Yes you can eat seal. It doesn't taste very good though, it's got that livery taste just like other marine mammals but it's still edible. It's also used to make dog food etc.

If the hunters have guns or harpoons, then yes it is to eat them. If the "hunters" are clubbing them, then it is only to render the seals unconcious to skin them alive.

quote: "and they have to club the seals so that it doesn't die so the skin stays soft by the time they skin it off. I don't think that's true.

Beleive it or not, it is true. I have seen it on TV. Almost 100 seals laying in the snow, skinned, with some still alive. It was a news report after they caught the guys that did that.

quote: "Some seals even take up to 2 hours after they are skinned to die." that's rediciolus. why would they skin them alive and then let them live after they're skinned??

Because they dont give a shlt and they dont have guns.

quote: I agree that hunting them just for the fur is unnecessary. But the main reason why they're being hunted (at least in the North Atlantic) is because there are so fricking many of them, they eat all the fish.

Wrong. They dont eat all the fish, we do. They re-authorized seal hunting to reduce their fish consomation so that we would have more. They are just twisting the facts around so that it seems alright to kill seals.


Spec.