05-12-2003 16:05									#31
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your trying to get over her?

it didn't seem that way from the chatlogs. . .

	05-12-2003 16:07									#32
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She seems pretentious

What's up with the whole "everyone is fake" crap.

	05-12-2003 16:08									#33
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yes, i thought that as well.

	05-12-2003 16:09									#34
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i was just trying to catch up with her, connor. i'm still not sure how i feel about her. that's what i'm trying to figure out...

seems pretentious? seems pretentious? that, is about as self-centered as one gets. that's egocentrism collapsed in on iteself. that's... her. i guess she thinks she's better than most of the people on planet earth.

	05-12-2003 16:11									#35
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ah i see. in my mind that seems to conflict with when you said earlier that you were trying to get over her, but it's probably just that i don't know the whole story and really don't have a good picture of everything about her, you, and your history together. . .

	05-12-2003 16:11									#36
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i am pointing out her bad qualities so she's easier to get over

in any case i think she's bad news, for some reason she wasn't interested until you came in with your cops story...very odd...

	05-12-2003 16:13									#37
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quote: Azazel, answer only when you know what these things are like

You have no idea.

	05-12-2003 16:15									#38
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i'll use an example from my own life, perhaps it will help you sort through your own ideas.

i had my heart broken once too. crushed, mutilated, destroyed, utterly. . .

I don't remember how much of it I posted about on apolyton, but a girl i had dated for over 4 years cheated on me and left me while i was at basic training (we were supposedly engaged at the time as well)

needless to say, it took a LONG time to get over that, and i traveled through some rather dark and deep valleys . . . and i'm still "getting over it" in a way.

now, also, more recently, her and i have started communicating again also. after several years of not. a part of me (and what i tell other people) is that we're just catching up. "we can be friends, right?" is what i think.

but deep down inside, i desperately want to be with her again, even though i'm afraid to admit it to anyone, almost including myself. i'm almost scared to talk to her, for fear of what it might bring up, yet i almost have to. . . just in case it somehow works out again.

is this similar to your situation?

	05-12-2003 16:16									#39
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Azazel is Hebrew Player

	05-12-2003 16:18									#40
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indeed connor... yes, she is bad news. i think to a very large extent, i've just about cannonized her and put her on a pedastle (sp? it's late.)... kinda idolized her, so to speak.... now that i'm furthe away from the situation...

she's proud she's become a monster. monster's are one-dimentional. static. hollow. they don't feel anything, be it love, hate, fear, or loathing. she might like what she's become, but i don't. this is helping me distance myself from her.

	05-12-2003 16:22									#41
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quote: i think to a very large extent, i've just about cannonized her and put her on a pedastle (sp? it's late.)... kinda idolized her, so to speak...

i completely understand what you mean here. my case is exactly the same in this regard.

either she's proud that she's become a monster. . . or. . . (more likely i think) is that she wants other people to think of her as a monster, as a sort of image . . .but inside, she is more afraid and scared of all her percieved inadequacies and short comings than ever. she desperately wants to be static, hollow, etc . . . she doesn't want to feel the pain. . .but she in reality is the opposite.

	05-12-2003 16:23									#42
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and, we have a winner! i'm so terrified of speaking to her i could wet myself... there's also the fact that i had a dream about her not a week ago...

<< this, is bizarre. this one features myself and amanda of all people as the stars. we're councilors for some kind of summer camp for exceptionally gifted children. and by exceptionally gifted, i'm talking four digit i.q., psychic, precocious toddlers, aged 3-9. we're out "camping" in the pavilion, and i'm obviously not thrilled to be working with her, and the feeling is certainly mutual. i feel the pain of loss every time i look at her, but... we're there for the kids, and they're keeping us rather busy.

one particulary precocious four year old asked me:

"why do you want to cry when you look at her?"

i explained the best i could. she does have an IQ five times mine, but her experience is very limited. she is also, still a four-year-old. i guess amanda must have over-heard me, because after the kids had gone to bed, and i stayed up, reading/stargazing/whatever, and she went to bed. but not before giving me this apologetic look. huh? i stay up until dawn pondering this.

the girl came up to me at some point and confessed that she talked to her, and asked the same question to amanda. 'why does he look like he's going to cry...' she then touched my temple and i felt nothing but distilled calm and lucidity. and the child's voice was explaining her understanding of the universe to me. or tired to. most of it went clear over my head. and then i woke up. but i wasn't feeling the loss as much. i still don't to some extent...>>

am i hoping there might be a chance? yes. is that what i really want? not so sure at the moment. doubt is draining that infection more than logic could.

	05-12-2003 16:26									#43
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there was this photoset on her blog that she had taken, entitled 'save me from myself.'

i wanted to burst down her door and scoop her up and be the knight in shining armor... but i'm still scared of her. i'm still licking wounds from her, licking wounds from tiamat, and others... i don't need any more scars... i've got enough for right now.

	05-12-2003 16:26									#44
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quote: Originally posted by connorkimbro she wants other people to think of her as a monster, as a sort of image . . .but inside, she is more afraid and scared of all her percieved inadequacies and short comings than ever. she desperately wants to be static, hollow, etc . . . she doesn't want to feel the pain. . .but she in reality is the opposite.

Well I can say with 100% confidence that that's exactly what is going on.

Having said this, if you 2 try and go out and "save" these girls I will personally track down both of you and beat you senseless.


Then I will have to get TCO to beat you both down after that.

	05-12-2003 16:27									#45
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TCO?

	05-12-2003 16:27									#46
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quote: am i hoping there might be a chance? yes. is that what i really want? not so sure at the moment. doubt is draining that infection more than logic could.

I cann't really do much more than just nod my head and think "yes i feel that way too" . . . because i don't know what to do exactly either.

one different facet of my case is that SHE has initiated the increase in our communicating again, not myself.

	05-12-2003 16:27									#47
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quote: Originally posted by self biased TCO?

GP

	05-12-2003 16:28									#48
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quote: Having said this, if you 2 try and go out and "save" these girls I will personally track down both of you and beat you senseless.

Oh, it's his girl that need's "saving" not mine. My girl is not a monster. she's actually shaped up into quite the model christian again, after all these years.

i'm not sure which is worse though, self biased's monster, or my model christian.

	05-12-2003 16:31									#49
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there's more to the story... we have a mutual aquaintence, and i noticed the two talking on a bbs... so... i imed dolly, and played coy, asking what was going on between her and amanda, it seemed either conspiritorial, or, frostily polite. it was the latter. drama had ensued... and that's all that i'll say... it's not really my story to tell.

but dolly still talks to amanda. so... she played go-between/chaperone... and facilitated the conversation.

	05-12-2003 16:31									#50
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connor,

*sigh*

no offense but talk about pedestals

sorry son but she cheated on you when you needed to count on her the most

find a girl that doesn't have a habit a having sex with other guys while she's going out with you

	05-12-2003 16:32									#51
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:gives ted a puzzled look:

	05-12-2003 16:33									#52
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quote: *sigh* no offense but talk about pedestals sorry son but she cheated on you when you needed to count on her the most find a girl that doesn't have a habit a having sex with other guys while she's going out with you

Rationally, I know that you're absolutely right.

I only wish it was the rational side of my brain that was in control of this one. . .

	05-12-2003 16:34									#53
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ted, and you would think i wouldn't love her after all that... and yet i do... i think.... like i said: i'm unsure of what i want at this particular moment.

	05-12-2003 16:34									#54
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true

	05-12-2003 16:35									#55
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didn't mean to thrust my own story into your thread, self, sorry. but they are very similar . . . thats why i brought it up.

	05-12-2003 16:35									#56
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damn connor... we're in practically the same boat.

	05-12-2003 16:35									#57
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she was 15 at the time the pic was taken. she got a whole lot better looking since, great body, too. broke my ****ing heart, during all highschool, and then some.

I am of course well over it now, and she's quite the *****, too, so nevermind.

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	05-12-2003 16:37									#58
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and no problem, connor. it's by the sharing of experiences that we diversify our life. those of us with a problem in common might find strength in finding a solution together.

	05-12-2003 16:38									#59
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word

Last edited by Ted Striker on 05-12-2003 at 16:50

	05-12-2003 16:41									#60
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Married couples often have a second (or third, fourth or fifth) try at making their relationship work. If you guys think your are still drawn to your former girl friends now try the same case but after making a home together and maybe having children.

Sometimes the second try fares better but it always takes an effort. Whatever caused the initial estrangement sits between the two making stuff which otherwise might come very naturally more laborious.

So, as you gentlemen don't have much invested in these girls, I'd say don't bother - unless the prospects of finding someone else are really horribly low.

In which case stop thinking about the past and just woo the lass.

Maybe you get burned again but that is better than life in emotional limbo.