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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:36
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Alright, I'm starting now to build Issue #3, if you want to stop the presses the time is now.
quote:
We're supposed to learn French as our second language, but of course, as English is the international lingua franca, I speak French worse than English. Heck, I have hardly spoken or read French the last two years. |
Replace "French" with "Swedish", and that part'd fit me too. Of course, in Belgium AFAIK it's like half French and half Flemish, here it's 95% Finnish and 5% Swedish. But I digress.
I wasn't sure which part of Belgium Ghent is in, so I just guessed you spoke French, mainly because I'd forgotten what the other language was caled. 
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Zeiter
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Speaking of The Hive, here's a silly little article about good ol' Chairman Yang. I assume we'll meet the Hive before the next issue is published, and I'm guessing it wouldn't be a bad idea to let it be known that we've met Yang already. BTW, I don't know how to put pictures in the middle of posts, so I'll just attach them at the end, and you can rearrange them when you edit the paper together.
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Chairman Yang Morbidly Obese!
With the Hive forces met by the Spartan gun foil team and comlinks exchanged, the Spartan high command prepared for their conference with Yang. Lt. Col. Maniac and Captain Kassiopeia opened the vidfeed channel and waited anxiously. Finally, the image of Chairman Yang drifted into focus on the holoview. The entire Spartan high command recoiled in horror and disgust. Since Planetfall, Chairman Yang had ballooned in weight to over 2500 kg!
Before:
[insert picture of Yang]
After:
[insert picture of Jabba the Hutt]
Recent intelligence indicates that Chairman Yang is currently devouring over 150 kg of food a day. Apparently, Yang’s doctors continually warned him against his current eating habits, at least until last month, when Yang ordered them murdered for giving “unfavorable advice.” Our scientists estimate that Chairman Yang’s heart will collapse in on itself in approximately 7 months, unless Chairman Yang immediately reduces his food consumption. Even more troubling, Chairman Yang appears to be going insane. Barely able to construct the most basic sentences or form coherent words, Yang’s mind seems to be in a pathetic state. Here’s an exclusive audiofeed transmission from Hive HQ to illustrate:
Captain Kassiopeia: “I suggest that we discuss sharing our map data.”
Chairman Yang: “Iko waki lolo uda han solo."
Captain Kassiopeia: “Pardon me? I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand what you are saying.”
Chairman Yang: “Goda nadi wando hido millennium falcon, ho, ho, ho…”
Captain Kassiopeia: “Uhhh…okay...”
Thus, an insane psychopath currently commands the planet’s most powerful military and overall faction. We can only hope that Chairman Yang starts to restrain himself from eating huge amounts of food, and that he finds a way to pull himself out of his mental madness.
 Attachment: yangcolor.jpg
This has been downloaded 60 time(s).
Last edited by Zeiter on 29-07-2004 at 12:35
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Zeiter
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And here's the Jabba the Hutt/Yang picture:
Attachment: jabbayang.jpg
This has been downloaded 58 time(s).
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Zeiter
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Yeah, that's an excellent idea! We could write about it being a top secret information leak from the high command or something.
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Primus Pilus
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i'm composing little blurbs about Primus's escapades as Lead Spear and eventually Lead Harpoon. where should i post these?
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Maniac
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Gent, Belgium
Jul 1999
time: 06:36
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I still needed to write some follow-up article on the gladiator story. Here's a first draft. Any suggestions for improvement? 
***
Once again the traditional gladiator tournament was held at the nearing end of our current Mission Year. And once again the traditional City Parade was organized, a demonstration against the fights. But this year things ended differently. Sparta Command base governor Fernando Arroyo, known to be a conservative, had all demonstrators arrested on the following charges:
- Disturbance of public order
- Public nudity
- Suspection of sympathies for the Gaian naked treehuggers
To their horror, the demonstrators were immediately sent to the arena, as Sparta is suffering from a shortage of criminals - and thus possible gladiators. Repulsed by this course of affairs, shortly after new people came to the streets, demanding the release of the demonstrators, and defending the right to hold a City Parade. But in response supporters of the gladiator fights started counterprotesting the Parade-supporters.  Fortunately the Shinsengumi Armoured Brigade was able to intervene before things turned ugly. Yet tensions still remain. Both parties are holding petitions to rally for their cause, and are vying for your signature.
So what side do you support? Vote in our poll, and let us know!
Possible poll options:
I demand gladiator fights!
I demand a City Parade!
I demand a compromise: naked mud wrestling fights!
I demand a Xenobrew!
Last edited by Maniac on 03-08-2004 at 17:51
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Primus Pilus
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confused why a City Parade would be held to STOP the gladitorial games ? a true Spartan Parade would glorify the festivities. any rioter should be thrown into the fungus fields...also, Lead Spear still protests the use of any xeno derivatives (incl burritos) since 'Fungal Juice' is sapping the strength of our crack troops. Primus suspects that Gaians are using Jedi mind tricks via xeno ingestion (Combat Chickens everywhere!!!, blam, blast, sizzle)
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Primus Pilus
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how do i cut/paste my MS Word blurbs?
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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Too long for the Phalanx?
quote:
Spartan Engineering Corps
DEPARTMENT OF TERRAFORMING SERVICES
Human Resource Services Division
TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR – TOMCAT-1
GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF CLASS
The TERRAFORMING CREW COORDINATOR directs the activities of the Tracked overground Military/Civilian all-purpose terraformer (TOMCAT-1) on forestry and farming duties in direct support of the Spartan Federation’s terraforming activities
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES
This is a single classification and not currently part of a series of classes.
DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
1. Tree Planting & Farming Crews. Typical tasks: directs the activities of tree planting & farming crews performing reforestation and farmland reclamation work; trains crew in proper planting and safety procedures; transports crew to and from work projects; monitors quality of individual and group performance; inspects weapons, tools, equipment and vehicles for proper operation and safety; keeps accurate records of work performed, including security matters affecting health and welfare of crew; maintains communications with base security staff by portable and mobile commlinks.
2. Forest Management Activities. Typical tasks: directs the activities of crew performing forest management activities such as site preparation, brush removal, pre-build thinning, and chemical application; trains crew in proper procedures and techniques for these activities; monitors quality of work and adherence to guidelines and safety precautions; maintains accurate and timely records as required.
3. Native Wildlife Preparedness and Suppression. Typical tasks: trains crew in mindworm suppression techniques, including co-ordination of firefield activities, group psi augmentation, and safety procedures on the firing line; instructs crew in the proper use of hand weapons such as flechette pistols, flamer rifles and percussion grenades, and inspects weapons, equipment, and vehicles to ensure mindworm-defense readiness;
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS
Employees in this class are in regular contact with Sparta Command, Sparta Engineering Corps, to provide guidance and direction on various forestry and farming projects. Employees have weekly contact with other Engineering Corps personnel to plan work projects and coordinate activities with other units. They also have daily contact, directly and by radio, with base security personnel to report security violations. There is frequent contact with military personnel of the Spartan federation.
SUPERVISION RECEIVED
Employees in this class receive general supervision from a unit supervisor in the form of review of written and verbal reports and occasional field inspections, to ensure optimum production and quality output. Recurrent assignments are generally performed independently, with actions taken in field-based operations having some discretion; however, authority is limited to the application of established guidelines and prescribed courses of action in such situations.
Guidelines used by employees in this class in performing their duties include Sparta Forest Laws (SFL-ORD 477) used in forest management and protection actions, agency policies and procedures for crew direction, project accomplishment, worker safety and completion of required reports.
GENERAL INFORMATION
Positions in this classification are located in a forest environment coordinating multiple work crews. They need the willingness to work in the environment associated with the job. This includes the willingness to deal with verbal and other forms of harassment; to perform strenuous work in situations involving abundant native wildlife (including mindworms, spore launchers, heat, difficult terrain, encroaching fungus); to work outdoors in all weather conditions, and to work with chemicals.
KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS, AND ABILITIES (KSA)
- Basic knowledge of tree planting.
- Basic knowledge of tree species identification.
- Basic knowledge of native wildlife suppression methods and practices.
- Basic knowledge of the use, operation, and maintenance of weapons, tools and equipment.
- Skill in directing and coordinating the activities of a crew (e.g., orient and motivate others, schedule, assign, review and direct work, recommend performance evaluations).
- Skill in following oral and written instructions.
- Ability to learn native wildlife behavior and trends.
- Ability to train others in reforestation and native wildlife suppression techniques.
- Ability to learn to operate a variety of vehicles and equipment used in terraforming, particularly the new TOMCAT-1.
- Ability to work safely around machinery and equipment.
- Ability to learn to operate two-way radio and commlink equipment.
- Ability to work with the military on a regular basis
.
Adopted 6/2118
Apply to: Major Googlie, Officer Commanding the Sparta Engineering Corps |
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Primus Pilus
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the whole tree happy thing bothers me. Spartans promote forests for exploitation, not to learn "reforestation" (sorry Googlie)...
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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I'm not sure that I agree that Sparta would be "exploiters". I'd see Morgan as shamelessly exploiting, and while not "nurturers" like the Gaians, I think Sparta would hold a more strategic view:
"Are forests useful to assist us in obtaining our strategic objectives?"
Yes, as they are a fast way of increasing a base's minerals production to negate our -1 Industry, while at the same time contributing food and energy
"Is there military value in having forests around a base?"
Again, yes, as, unlike fungus, units can't hide there, but yet it slows enemy unit movement if they are advancing towards us.
"Would we build Tree Farms and Hybrid Forests?"
I think so - again, for the resources boost per base that these facilities bring when using forests
I agree we wouldn't be trammeled by thoughts of "Does all that green look pretty on the map?" or "Forests, Tree Farms and Hybrid Forests are a good ecological counter to mines and boreholes", so in that sense we're "exploiters", but not rabidly so (I think) that we'd act as Morgan might in drafting job ads.
(The ad, btw, was plagiarized from the Oregon Forest Services website - they're looking for a Crew Supervisor to manage correctional office inmate workcrews!!)
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Zeiter
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I think that'll work. Someone will get curious and notice it.
Here's the aritcle for the attack plans leak:
Top-Secret Battle Plans Leaked!
Top-secret attack plans for a Hive invasion were leaked by an anonymous source within the Spartan high command some time last week. The attack plan, codenamed “Operation: Hiverian Freedom”, features several…erm…flashy graphic thingys that…erm…have lots of arrows that…erm…frankly, we at the Phalanx don’t have a clue what this is supposed to show. But here’s some analysis from our extremely competent expert on military operations:
“Yes, I am a military expert, so you’d think I’d be able to discern a good deal from this diagram. But clearly, this plan is of immense complexity and genius, such that only those in the Spartan high command would understand it, which is exactly why neither I nor anyone else can figure it out. I’m telling you, I’m not a worthless pundit! I deserve my six-figure salary! I could end your careers so fast that…oh no, not the nervestapler! Oh, please, mother of Santiago, not again!”
Others believe that the plans are encoded in a secret encryption language to which only the Spartan high command has the key. Intelligence indicates that Hive code breakers believe they have already broken part of the code. So far, they think they have this much deciphered:
Orange thunderbolt = “camel”
Green arrow = “beeffurino”
“2D Force” = “feed”
Tank graphic = “wookie”
An army of wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels? Perhaps. Oh, wait…er…doesn’t Chairman Yang read our newspaper?…er…Oh no! The Hive has broken our code! We’ve just received a handsome bonus an exclusive memo from the Sparta Command HQ. It reads:
“The Hive has broken our code. The Hive code breakers are exactly correct. We are planning to invade the Hive with wookies riding on beeffurino-fed camels.”
Oh no! Our beeffurino-fed camels are DOOMED!
Last edited by Zeiter on 08-07-2005 at 07:52
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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I think it's like this No, like this (just edit mine to see what Ive done - we can edit each others')
Zeiter: Thanks. Article edited.
Last edited by Zeiter on 07-08-2004 at 06:13
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Zeiter
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Here's an article for the 5th issue:
Movie Reviews!!!
The Hunt for SCC Invincible
4 stars
In this action packed thriller, Hive intelligence discovers that the Spartan Federation has prototyped a new, extremely lethal ballistic missile submarine, codenamed the “SCC Invincible”. Lt. Commander Dissident of the SCC Invincible must prevent his ship and its planet busting capabilities from falling into Hiverian hands. In addition, as he tries to outmaneuver and slip past the Hive probe cruisers, he learns that there are Hive saboteurs amidst his own crew. Now playing at the SC2 Holotheatre 16.
Chairman Yang and the “Chocolate” Factory
3 stars
This fantastical, yet somewhat disturbing children’s tale takes place in The Hive, where Chairman Yang holds a contest to see who can eat the most “Yummy Yang Chocolate Bars” in one minute. The top five winners are then treated to a tour of Yang’s top secret “Chocolate” Factory. As each child breaks a rule while touring the factory, Yang calls in his “genejacks” who sing this peculiar song before taking the children away,
“Genejack Factory, doopity-doo. I’ve got some bioenhancements for you.”
Now playing at the OA Holotheatre 6.
The Amazing Fungus-Man 2
4 stars
Yep, your favorite worm-slinger is back, and he’s got more fungal spores than ever! This sequel, inspired by the popular comic book of the same name, is just as good, if not better than the original. In this installment, Patrick Parker, A.K.A. “Fungus-Man”, must thwart the evil Batyl Ron of Spartan Metagenics, who has an ingenious plan to eradicate all native life in a 1000 km radius of Sparta Command. Fungus-Man is the only person aware of the catastrophic danger of agitating the planetmind with such an action. It’s a race against time for Fungus-Man to rescue his love, Sarah Jane, as well as the rest of humanity from this horrible disaster. Now playing at the SC1 Holotheatre 18.
Gangs of New Arzamas
3.5 stars
This historical drama details one young man’s life as a gangster trying to avenge his father’s death in the gritty slums of early 22nd century New Arzamas. Now playing at the SC3 Holotheatre 8.
National Lampoon’s Perihelion Vacation
3 stars
This zany comedy features a family that just happens to go on vacation to the wrong place at the wrong time – The Great Fungal Wall during Perihelion. Whoops! They have adventure after wacky adventure as they try to enjoy their vacation (and escape alive). In fact, the scene with the demon boil had me laughing so hard…okay, I won’t spoil it for you, but if you think people having their brains getting ravenously devoured is funny, just wait until you see this! Now playing at the GH Holotheatre 14.
Last edited by Zeiter on 11-08-2004 at 03:05
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Apolyton Time is 00:36. |
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29-07-2004 04:58
by painting things with an overtly positive brush.
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