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Maniac
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Gent, Belgium
Jul 1999
time: 06:36
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The Morganites and Gaians have already published an issue of their newspaper in the general forum. I was wondering, should we also try to found a newspaper? IIRC there were already some name suggestions, eg The Phalanx or some Greek word I can't remember right now unfortunately. 
Anyway, in case we would publish a newspaper soon, I thought we could perhaps let Santagio make a brief appearance. I hope you don't mind me depicting her as a youth-obsessed woman in this silly little article suggestion. 
Four years ago Colonel Santiago herself navigated our Unity escape pod down to Chiron, rescuing us all from destruction. She herself though was heavily injured upon landing, and right after Planetfall we lacked the medical facilities to treat her wounds. Therefore we put her into a cryosleep. But a couple of months ago we completed construction of a fully-equipped hospital in Sparta Command, capable of healing her.
After weeks of medical treatment while still in cryosleep, she is now about to regain consciousness. We take you live to the moment her cryocell will open, so we can all hear the first words of our precious leader:
*pssssshhhhhhhhhsss...
Lt.-Doctor Bonaventura: Welcome back to the land of the living, Ma'am. 
Colonel Santiago: *blinks here eyes. Thank you, thank you.
S: Say, Bonaventura, have we invented a rejuvenation technology while I was taking a nap?
B: I'm afraid not, Colonel.
S: Oh. 
...
S: Freeze me back in then. *closes her eyes again in preparation.
B: Err... 
S: That's an order. Lieutenant.
B: Yes of course Colonel. Right away. *salutes.
*pssssshhhhhhhhhhhhT.
Last edited by Maniac on 10-07-2004 at 06:03
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Zeiter
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Could any of us submit articles? Perhaps that would take some of the work off of the main writer, and make this a more team effort. My possible story:
XenoBurritos a New Military Sensation
A popular piece of culinary art is sweeping the Spartan military. While the squeamish may find the dish disgusting, the Spartan soldiers fix it up every chance they get. What's cookin' in the Spartan barracks, you may ask? It's a snack that the Spartan soldiers like to refer to as a "Xenoburrito."
"Yeah, I know it may sound nasty, but it's actually quite good." Spartan elite Kobold Mirinskov explains with a stuffed mouth. "Last night we came up on a fungal sector full of N-I's [military slang for "native infestations."] Needless to say, we whipped out our Skankies [military slang for flamethrowers] and gave them a real Jamski [military slang for roasting]. We cooked 'em real good, right down to the meat. That's the hard part. Once you have that behind you, the rest is easy. Next, you just peel off the tough outer hide, lightly toast the tender inside for a few more minutes, and then wrap them in some of the military-grade kelp that comes with our provisions. What you get is a 'Xenoburrito'".
"We cook 'em up every chance we get." Spartan rover captain Viggo Corsolini comments as he works on a scout rover axle. "And even better, consuming them seems to increase your psi awareness...although Vedo did go temporarily insane after eating an entire crate of them...so...wait, did you hear that?  "
Xenoburritos: temporary fad, or brilliant item of culinary ingenuity? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
THIS JUST IN! MILITARY COMMAND AT SPARTA COMMAND HAS BANNED ALL FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SO-CALLED "XENOBURRITOS". THEY HAVE BEEN DEEMED "DANGEROUS TO FACTIONAL HEALTH" AND ANY FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SAID SUBSTANCE WILL RESULT IN 6 WEEKS IN THE PUNISHMENT SPHERES.
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Maniac
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Gent, Belgium
Jul 1999
time: 06:36
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Great article Zeiter! 
quote:
Originally posted by Kassiopeia
As I've mentioned before, I'd like to be the main writer and editor of our newspaper. |
Sounds great!
quote:
I'd go with The Phalanx as a name for it. |
I like that name too.
quote:
And naturally anyone can submit articles. |
Thanks! Btw, I've in the meanwhile written another article. Obviously inspired by the action around the Pamplonan bull fights, in case you've heard about it:
Gladiator Fights Disrupted!
The period immediately after Planetfall was a rough time. Our lack of knowledge about the Chironian biopshere led to a large number of casualties due to food poisoning, suffocation and even some mysterious and unsolved disappearances of people around the large fields of fungal flora east of Sparta Command. Morale was at an all-time low. The Junta decided something needed to be done - urgently.
To give people some distraction from their daily problems, gladiator tournaments were organized. The participants were arrested criminals - though some claim they are simply people who ended up in the wrong escape pod and were unable to adapt to Spartan society. They had to fight against each other, with bare fists or at most with knifes, and the winners of the tournaments were given their freedom back. Others lost their lives in the arena.
The gladiator fights were a success, and the following years similar tournaments were organized around the end of each Mission Year. Currently it looks like the fights will become an annual tradition. There are people however who disagree with this course of events, mostly members of the Spartan Pacifist Party, also better known as the Let's-Give-Method-A-Fancy-Title Dining Club. They believe the gladiator fights, or as they call it: "people being forced to kill each other for the pleasure of spectators", are wrong and against human dignity.
To express their discontent and make sure everyone hears about their cause, they planned an original action. They decided to run naked down the streets around the arena, protesting against the fights. Strangely enough, there are currently no laws against public nudity in the Sparta Command Police Code of Order - probably a forgetfullness. This had as a consequence the police garrison was not allowed to arrest the protesters. But do not fear, law-abiding citizens! The police force bravely and with great sense of duty observed and monitored the naked protesters, to make sure no harm or vandalism was done!
We've asked a few reactions of Sparta Command inhabitants about the action of the Spartan Pacifist Party. As you will see, opinions differ about the matter:
"This... This is a disgrace! The highest form of decadence possible! If only Santiago were here, this would never have happened!  "
"Heh well. Personally I wouldn't mind seeing our yearly tradition of gladiator fights being replaced by a yearly tradition of nude people parading down the streets.  "
No doubt this story will be continued next year.
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Kody
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If life's standing still and your soul's confused
Jun 2003
time: 14:36
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Impact Rifles for Dummies - 5 simple rules
So you want to learn how use a brand new spanking impact rifle? There are 5 simple rules for keeping you and your household safe. These rules should be followed religiously during the first year of your ownership
Rule number one, when cleaning the trigger, point away from face and any living creatures including family members and pets. This also includes step parents. The reason for this rule is impact rifles are made to kill and do so in a highly messy way at point blank. While cleaning the trigger it is quite possible to inadvertently squeeze the trigger a little too much. If the rifle is loaded with live ammunition the trigger will cause the propellent in the shell to combust driving the shell forward out of the rifle and into anything in the way. If the shell hits something or someone it will bury itself two inches into the object and explode causing a massive spray of…. errr stuff… that will be over 2 metres high and will repaint your waters in a bright red, while some people may like that colour it will unfortunately dry a browny poo colour. This horrible colour is why step parents should also be discluded from the line of fire during trigger cleaning.
Rule number two, pets and impact rifle practise do not mix. Most people will tend to practise using their impact rifle in their backyard. It is quite important that you lock up all your pets before practise as pets can cause all kinds of problems if on the loose. Dogs have the habit of running up to you and bowling you over causing wild and undirected fire that may cause property damage. This is also true with cats when they decide they are hungry and dig their claws into your foot while you are trying to aim for the tree. Mindworms however are the most dangerous as they may show you images of your ex-girlfriend while you’re holding the impact rifle.
Rule number three, kids and impact rifles do not mix. While we all love our kids and want to show them the joy of mindless destruction on a much larger scale than the living room, they need to work their way up to an impact rifle. Start with a laser rifle that will not cause a large area of damage, or use a missile launcher that as a minimum distance to explosion set to something suitably distant. It is also important to keep kids from taking impact rifles to school. Not so much to prevent casualties, rather they’ll be more likely to end up being immediately enlisted into the very green shock troops, who have an extraordinarily high casualty rate
Rule number four, condoms are a tried and true method of keeping the shells from getting wet. We’ve all heard the talk about safe sex. Putting condoms on your shells keeps them from getting pregnant, so you should always use a condom. What do you mean this isn’t a sex edu book? For goodness sake Clarie stop typing what I’m saying…. Condoms can act as a cheap and easy method to keep shells from getting wet which can render them useless. A blister pack of 4 dozen condoms only costs 1EC at your local store, while shells can cost up to 1 EC each. It makes economic sense to wrap your shells if you are going into a wet environment.
Rule number five, impact rifles should not be used in bed. We’ve all thought about bringing our guns to bed, but it is a definite no no especially if you have wife. Bringing the gun to bed can cause marital breakup if the wifey suspects that you love the gun more than her. Three out of four divorces involved bedroom guns and two out of four widowings. Even if you are certain that it won’t end with either lawyer or a priest, impact rifles tend to be bulky under pillows and may be mistaken for ….. This can be highly uncomfortable and embarrassing in the morning.
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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:36
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Oh. I'll fill you in. The film consists of two halves, the latter is about the American excursion in Vietnam. The former is about the training of the soldiers who went to serve in Vietnam. The poor lads have a drill sergeant who is loud and incredibly harsh - he is the very epitome of one. In fact, the actor was an actual drill sergeant IRL.
Let me get some quotes for you:
quote:
Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy ****ing walrus-looking piece of ****. Get the **** off of my obstacle. Get the **** down off of my obstacle. Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo. |
quote:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, ****ing beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian ****. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that? |
While that's some pretty overwhelming language, it wasn't the content as such but the way he delivered it, mouth wide with spit going all over the place and that look... suffice to say, it would not work in text quite as well.
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Zeiter
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First Day of School Essentials for Spartan Youngsters
The age of 7 is a special milestone in every Spartan's life: It's the age when they finally leave their family and go off to train for Spartan military service and citizenship. And as a proud and loving parent, you want the best for them. So here are some First Day of School Essentials to prepare your children for the challenges that they will face at their first day of training camp:
*50-caliber machine gun
There's nothing worse than getting picked on by a bully on the first day of school. Recent studies have shown that a child equipped with a 50-caliber machine gun is 83% less likely to be the victim of a bully. This can be mounted on the family car, on the front of a child's bike, or your children can strap it around their shoulder if they walk to school.
*Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower
Even worse than getting beaten up and losing your lunch money on the first day is getting your brains ravenously devoured by a swarm of mind worms. Studies have shown that the #1 reason for children between the ages of 7-14 dropping out of school is mind worm decapitation. Make sure your children are prepared to deal with these relentless creatures! In addition, teach them the "Just say NO!" technique for when a swarm of mind worms uses its psi powers to try to persuade your children to come closer. The Flamethrower's gas tank straps on to the back, and it even has pockets and zippers so that your children can also use it as a backpack. The flamethrower can also be mounted onto a car or bike. With a 50-caliber machine gun in the right hand, and a Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower in the left hand, your children will be well prepared to face any dangers on the way to school.
*Paper, pencils, and scissors
Your children will need paper and pencils to write down combat procedures and operation objectives. Well-sharpened pencils also make good melee weapons. Likewise with scissors.
*Waterproof Combat Boots
As an annual tradition, the first grade class is initiated on a field trip to the Tropics of Mycenae, where they hike 100 miles through swampy undergrowth. Getting gangrene on your feet really puts a damper on the field trip, so make sure your children have some sturdy combat boots that will last them a hundred miles of hiking through this rough, swampy terrain.
By preparing your children with these First Day of School Essentials, there's a chance, with some luck, that you just might see them again.
Last edited by Zeiter on 18-07-2004 at 01:39
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Maniac
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Gent, Belgium
Jul 1999
time: 06:36
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quote:
Originally posted by Kassiopeia
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Wow, have you already written all those articles? If so, could we get a preview of the remaining material for next issue? 
Anyway, regarding a sixth article, I've read some good stuff here describing Boot Camp:
quote:
Phase I: Phase I is also known as the "Red Phase," or "Patriot Phase." Phase I runs from Week One to Week Three. The first thing you'll notice about your new drill sergeant is that he or she appears to be a different species from the ones hanging around the Reception Battalion. He/she will appear to be much larger, much meaner, and very much louder (like Air Force Training Instructors, Army Drill Sergeants are also known for their chronic hearing problems). Unlike Air Force Training Instructors, Army Drill Sergeants absolutely love push-ups. "Drop and Give me Twenty" is a favorite phrase (shouted, of course). On this first day, pretty much everyone will get "dropped." You'll be dropped individually, you'll be dropped in pairs, and you'll be dropped as an entire platoon.
Week one is best characterized by a term known as TOTAL CONTROL. Total control is were the soldiers only do what they are told to do by their Drill Sergeants. While the Army actually likes initiative and innovation, Drill Sergeants hate it (at least during the first three weeks). The first few weeks of Basic Training is definitely NOT the time to find a better way of doing things. Soldiers arrive to the Basic Training Unit from the Reception Battalion and are immediately immersed into an environment where every move they make is scrutinized by the Drill Sergeant.
One word of warning here: while the Air Force wants its recruits to address T.I.s as "Sir," or "Ma'am," don't try this with an Army Drill Sergeant unless you want to witness a one hour tirade (shouted, of course) about how s/he "works for a living." Said tirade is normally followed by the unfortunate "Sir-sayer" demonstrating the definition of "work." The correct way to address an Army Drill Sergeant is "Drill Sergeant," such as "Yes, Drill Sergeant, or "No Drill Sergeant," (Remember, they are hard of hearing, so your response must be shouted at the top of your lungs).
When you respond to a Drill Sergeant, DO NOT look him/her directly in the eyes. This is known as "eye-balling," (such as, "Are you eyeballing me, boy?????"), and is a bad, bad, thing. Eye-balling a Drill Sergeant will immediately result in him eye-balling you back. This is done by placing his eye-balls about 1/8th of an inch away from yours. Suddenly, fire will erupt from his eye sockets and burn you down to your soul. Unfortunately, uncrisping your soul requires a ceremony which normally involves several push ups.
No matter how tough you think your Drill Sergeant is, he is nothing compared to his Grandmother. No matter how fast you run, how high you jump, how well you shoot, or how far you throw a grenade, his Grandmother can always do that better. Luckily, few people have ever met a Drill Sergeant's Grandmother. Those who have, rarely talk about the experience (with the exception of the Drill Sergeant, of course - who talks about his Grandmother every time there is something physical going on).
And it continues further... Just follow the link above. |
Perhaps some of this could be reworked to some article about Drill Sergeants, or perhaps incorporated in the "Being a Spartan Part 2" article if it would fit in with the rest?
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10-07-2004 04:42
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