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Zeiter
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Right, right. Good idea. Article edited.
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Zeiter
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Here's another article for issue #5.
BTW, I've been bashing Yang quite a bit with my newspaper articles. Tell me if you think it's too much.  You see though, he's such an easy target! Contacting him was a godsend as far as giving me creative potential for stories.
Making a Difference: How You Can Volunteer and Help Your Community
Volunteering is one of the noblest and most rewarding things you can do, surprisingly enough. Every community needs some volunteer help. Whatever your skills are, there’s always something you can do. Just look at Major Jamski. Here you seem him teaching some neighborhood teenagers the “Jamski Chokehold Maneuver”.
[insert Jamski chokehold pic here]
Maybe you’re not so much the physical combat type. Perhaps your expertise is in the field of electronics. There are still plenty of things you can do to help your community. You could teach the neighborhood kids how to disable a Hive security interlock. Or, you could do like these men are doing, and instruct the kids on how to plant plastic explosives on a Hive terraforming unit.
[insert drill sergeant pic here]
If you really can’t think of any activity to volunteer for, you could at least hold a community seminar for the elementary students on how to use a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. As a Spartan citizen, you should have at least basic knowledge of most militia-grade weapons. Of course, volunteer efforts in non-military fields are also welcome. For instance, baking cookies for the community youngsters is a great way to volunteer. And remember, it never hurts to add a little subtle anti-Hive propaganda into your volunteer efforts, as the delicious blue icing on these cookies demonstrates.
[insert cookie pic here]
Whether your specialty is chokeholds, explosives, or freedom cookies, there’s a volunteer activity for you! Good luck!
(Here's the drill sergeant pic
 Attachment: drill sergeant.jpg
This has been downloaded 34 time(s).
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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How about this:
Breaking News
Situation Report
M.Y. XXXX C E N S O R E D, Rolling Thunder Brigade commanded by Lieutenant Rynn
We crested the ridge just east of [deleted] and there to our east was what appeared to be a Unity Seed Pod. I led the way in the Command Rover, and designated the 3rd platoon of 1st Company to move ahead and dismantle the pod.
This was accomplished without much difficulty, and a [deleted] was uncovered. While the crew was relaxing we were surprised to be hailed from the [deleted], and were astonished to find that they were fellow survivors of the UNS Unity.
After some initial parleying and bickering to and fro, we succeeded in patching in Lt Colonel Maniac who conducted negotiations with the [deleted] representative, who claimed to have likewise founded a faction and was nation-building on this alien planet.
We discovered that we had some technologies that they lacked, specifically [deleted] and that they had some that we lacked, Lt. Col. Maniac being especially interested in [deleted]. We also discussed the exchange of commlinks of other surviving factions that we, respectively, had met. The conclusion of discussions was eminently satisfactory for both parties.
We have now received revised orders which we are putting into effect.
Lt. Rynn, acting CO, Rolling Thunder Brigade
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Zeiter
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Hmmm, giving them a little hint of our contact with Zak? Interesting...what will they think of it? Will they become jealous at our good fortune and accused us of being greedy with the commlinks, or will they be more eager to contact us and trade with us now that they know that we have access to Zak's tech? Very clever story there. There's still a hint of doubt concerning who it could be. For all the Gaians know, it could be the Morganites or Data Angels, and for all the Morganites and Data Angels know, it could be the Gaians. Or, it could be Lal (although if we've met Lal, it's implied that we've gotten the commlink to Zak, and vice versa). Yes, very clever indeed.
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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and here's another:
Mission accomplished!!
We finally got that sodding forest planted and were able to move on downriver towards the small lake.
It was hard work for all the crew – some 367 of us. We were in 2 shifts, working 9 hours on and 9 off, and slept in the crew compartments in the vehicles themselves. It took us almost 4 years (Chiron years, that is) to prepare the land, plant the saplings, then work with the foresters in setting up the management and maintenance protocols. We finally got Major Googlie’s OK to move on and now we are to become farmers!!
Babs took a cool pic of me in one of the Tomcat-1 formers:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (insert tomcat-1 pic here)<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Heard last week that we’ve been re-organized by Major Googlie into an official Division, ranking right up there with the 1st Army and 2nd Armored Divisions. We’re the 1st Battalion, Sparta Engineering Corps. That means that there will be some promotion opportunities for all of us early crew – especially us noncoms. And we have a great logo and cool-sounding moniker, too:
Proudly We Serve
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(insert Engineering logo here)<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Rumour has it that after we’ve finished this farm we’re off to build some interconnecting roads between our bases, to help speed the movement of our mechanized divisions. They keep getting bogged down in this almost impermeable fungus to say nothing of this jungle.
Ah, well. All in a day’s work for the Tomcat team.
Anon
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Googlie
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Commanding Officer, CRYPTEIA
Apr 1999
time: 21:36
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quote:
Originally posted by Zeiter
There's still a hint of doubt concerning who it could be. For all the Gaians know, it could be the Morganites or Data Angels, and for all the Morganites and Data Angels know, it could be the Gaians. Or, it could be Lal (although if we've met Lal, it's implied that we've gotten the commlink to Zak, and vice versa). |
Of course, if any of the other 3 have met Zak already, they'll know that it's him we've met (as his commlink won't appear on their list of techs to trade to us). Likewise if they've met Lal, they'll know that we haven't (his commlink will appear)
- and the "jungle" is all relative. To the Tomcat crew, that nut goodie must have seemed like a jungle - did you see how big it was? (if a tile is 480 kilometers square, then that plant is 200 kilometers tall !!!!!)
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Zeiter
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But I doubt they've met Zak yet. Although we could check, couldn't we? Next turn, using the simulator?
Yeah, a crew would definitely think of some of our terrain as jungle. Not only the nutrient bonus, but also those huge swathes of rainy tiles, both the yet-to-be colonized Messenian plains up north, and the land in between SC1 and SC2.
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Zeiter
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Woohoo! And as long as they or Zak don't pop a trannie, get doc:flex, or pop a commlink pod, they won't be contacting each other anytime soon.
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Primus Pilus
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hesitant to say about finding jungle/uranium/geo etal. some potential misdirection could be "Spartan Citizens enjoy first Virtual War Simulations", implying REC/HOLO advances..."SC? Farm Production keeps pace with Growth Initiative and asks Sparta Cmd for spare Housing Pre-Fabs", implying Creche/GeneSp..."Rolling Thunder gets Upgrade, now strikes enemy with death before they see it coming", implying Arty advances...btw, any and all of our Armored Divs can and should be placed in our propoganda machine. No disrespect to the other units.
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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:36
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First draft of the definitive Lemmy article.
Lemmy Joins Spartan Ranks
by Captain Kassiopeia
Sparta Command. Spartan citizens were nonplussed earlier today to sense an incredibly foul stench floating across the streets of Sparta Command. The cause for it was soon apparent, as a detachment of zombies, vampires, reanimated skeletons and various other necromantic creatures was seen marching in the streets. Their reason remained unknown, until the entourage arrived at the gate of Sparta Command. A single man emerged from the group and approached the distressed private guarding the entrance.
''Tell the Colonel that Lemmy wants to see him', he told me, I swear", said the guard once our reporter got a hold of him. The rumors are true: the infamous practicionist of witchcraft, lesser evilness, necromancy and horrendously bad humour has become a Spartan.
Undead Army to follow
Our courageus (and newly hired) journalist approached his Lemminess, and the Dutchie answered to a few questions before making him disappear in a ball of fire.
According to the information we could scavenge from his recorder, Lemmy intends to bring his renown Army of the Undead to do his (and the High Command's) bidding.
When asked on the status of the Undead Army, Lemmy had this to say: "I wonder if my [Undead] legion [of Doom] is still around.... i left them here when i got inactive, they should be around somewhere  "
After further beseeching and search, units of the Doom Legion started to appear seemingly out of nowhere in Sparta Command. Lemmy also took the opportunity to visit the military burial ground near the Recycling Tanks, but was most disappointed to discover that the headstones had only symbolical value. Lieutenant Colonel Maniac has promised that this practice will be abolished. The Undead Legion will form its own unit, while other undead will be attached to regular units as is seen fit.
Spartan faction now "incredibly evil"
Soon after the appearance of Lemmy, the professor of evilogy at the Spartan Academy, Doctor Olga Virtanen, held a press conference today to explain the results of a study conducted by her research group.
"The faction had a disproportionately quotient of Finnish people as it were. Add to that the fact that the Spartan faction is by default quite evil. When you compound that with the effect of Lemmy's almost-but-not-quite Finnish evilness, it completely tilts the balance. The second closest faction is the Gaians, but their level of Finnishness is only 50% of that of the Spartans.
What we are now experiencing are unforeseen levels of evil in the faction. Our study predicts that this and the Undead Army will make Spartan domination of Planet at least 76% more probable, upping the likelihood of it to 0.99993. Sparta is now inexorably, totally, vehemently, incredibly evil. "
A clouded past uncovered
The fact that i command an undead army, doesn't mean i brutally kill people.
-- Lemmy
Who is the fabled man whose history no one seems to really know? We here at The Phalanx did our reading and put together A Brief History of the Lemmy.
It all started, in the ACDG anyway, quite "innocently" in the second ever Recreation Commons. A pile of credits were left in a cabinet in the Commons, meant for TKG as a 2% of the profit. Lemmy decided to steal these funds, and the world was never quite the same again.
Lemmy was accused of Grand Theft Mikrocred (originally Not So Grand Theft Mikrocred). A jail sentence was being planned, when Kassiopeia discovered that Lemmy wanted to get imprisoned, to be the first person ever on Chiron to be jailed. Not set back by this in the least, Kassiopeia turned on his heels and kicked up a campaign to keep Lemmy out of jail at all costs.
This prompted Lemmy to confess his true nature once and for all:
quote:
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I confess, i did it!!!! I did it all, i stole the money, i confess to the Grand Theft Xenobrew, i confess to the serial killings!! And you know why i did it? Because i'm evil 
Yeah, that's right, EVIL!!! 
* Lemmy knocks out Kass for "helping" him.
See, i'm evil...Mwuahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Lemmy flees to his hidden lair in New Suez Section 8, sublevel 2, in the east wing to contemplate his world domination plans. |
When the trial finally took place, a sense of "now that we're at it" overwhelmed everyone, and a pile of charges were laid besides the credit theft.
The full list is as follows:
- Serial murder (e.g. Zakharov VII, Tacticalmarine, juliennew, other vanished posters)
- Kidnapping Commissioner Crisler
- Grand Theft Mikrocred
- Grand Theft Xenobrew
- Being evil
- Witchcraft (turning Kassiopeia into Furniture)
- Necromancy (raising an army of the undead)
- Leaving the scene of a crime
- Use of horrendously bad humour while on duty (the details on this one are sketchy but trust me, it was bad)
Lemmy was found guilty of (at least) the Grand Theft Mikrocred charge. He was declared innocent on most charges, though, and was convicted to do community service in Rec Commons III.
After Case Lemmy things got a bit quieter, but only for a while, for then...
quote:
Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Maniac should really do something about the restroom. I think the green thing growing behind the urinals that I saw three weeks ago is going to reach sentience and try to overthrow Mankind soon. |
Other Lemmy-related threads:
http://apolyton.net/forums/showthre...&threadid=67098
There was a poll thread (by Hercules, I believe) with a poll that decided Lemmy's guilt, but it appears to have been lost to the mists of time.
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Zeiter
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Perhaps this would work, if Lemmy doesn't mind giving a little input for the story. (Hint: you can edit this post and write your response.) Oh, and when do we plan on getting the 5th issue published? How about 2130? A nice way to finish up a fine decade, I would think.
Mass Nervestapling Barely Averted!!!
The many citizens of Sparta Command were recently shocked (no pun intended) to learn that they barely averted a mass nerve stapling. The cause of the near mishap? The investigations are yet to be concluded, but it is believed by some top officials that the new Spartan Minister of Evilness, Necromancy, and Other Generally Awful Things, the well-known, and some would say "infamous" Lemmy, was behind it. A mysterious annonymous source, known only as "Deep Coat" gave this account:
"It was a busy day at the HQ. The domestic planning memoranda box was overflowing with suggestions from the various departments, and the field Captains had just radioed in and were asking for orders. Officials were running left and right and the vidfeeds were ringing off the hook. Just then I received a message of possible drone uprisings in Sparta Command. I was too busy to find Lt. Col. Maniac to deliver the message myself, so I handed it to Lemmy, our new recruit in the high command, and told him to deliver the message for me. When I saw that maniacal grin on his face as he was walking away, I had a feeling that there was going to be trouble."
The chief investigator of the case had this to say on the matter:
Chief Investigator: "So far, our intelligence suggests that Lemmy took the memo, went to the nearest vidfeed transmitter, and called up the Sparta Command military police brigade, whereupon he issued the order for total nervestapling of the Sparta Command population. Luckily, Lt. Col. Maniac was notified of the situation in time to cancel the nervestaple order, but it was a very close shave."
Reporter Zeiter: "What evidence do you have that led you to this conclusion?"
Chief Investigator: "We were able to retreive an audio recording of the supposed vidfeed transmission between Lemmy and the Captain of the Sparta Command Police Brigade. The quality of the tape is low, and most of it is inaudible, but we were able to retrieve this vital portion of the tape and analyze it. Let's Listen:"
"...[inadible]...[inaudible]...Mwhahahahaha!!!..."
Chief Investigator: "The voice on the tape is almost an exact match of Lemmy's. We believe that this maniacal laughter indisputably incriminates him."
Determined to get to the bottom of the story, we at The Phalanx decided to ask Lemmy himself for a one-on-one interview.
Reporter Zeiter: "What do you have to say with regards to these allegations of attempted nervestapling of the entire population of Sparta Command?"
Lemmy: "Insert response here."
There you have it. What does this all mean? Who was really the person responsible? I guess we'll just have to wait for the conclusion of the investigation to find out.
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Zeiter
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Here's an article with a bit of propaganda concerning our charity with the commlinks, as Maniac suggested. It's also got heaps of anti-Hive rhetoric (I really tried to outdo myself this time. )
I can just picture it: If we ever ally with the Hive, we can be like:
"What? The Hive and us being enemies? Chairman Yang has always been our friend. What you mistook for anti-Hive sentiments were actually constructive criticisms. You see, the closer allies are, the more secure they feel in sharing constructive criticism with each other. So you see, The Hive has actually been a very good ally for a very long time." 
Lemmy hasn't inserted a comment into the nervestapling article yet. If it gets time to publish it, we'll need to fill that in. Remind me of that so I don't forget.
Planetary Council Convened!
Faction diplomats eagerly gathered at the U.N. Headquarters planetary governor summit recently, where top officials, heads of state, and envoys heatedly discussed the election of the planetary governor. The election was called by Chairman Yang of the Hive, who had just recently acquired the commlink frequencies for the University and for the Peacekeepers. In order to gain a better perspective of the recent events, The Phalanx asked Captain Kassiopeia, the chief Spartan diplomat, for an interview.
Zeiter: “We at the Phalanx are curious, how exactly did the Hive obtain the University and Peacekeeper commlinks?”
Kassiopeia: “Well, so far we’ve kept that classified, but I suppose we can produce that information now. We at the Sparta Command HQ recently learned that the Gaians had obtained the Hive commlink. The Hive already had communications with the Morganites and Data Angels, so if the Hive were to acquire the University and Peacekeeper commlinks, then Chairman Yang would have all of the commlink frequencies, and would almost surely call elections for planetary governor. We thought that, by getting elections called, we could get all factions of Planet to reunite and hopefully work together towards world peace and success for our human race. There were risks, no doubt. There are always risks when dealing with a brutal dictator, especially one who spends his free time shooting defenseless puppies. We feared that Chairman Yang would hoard the commlinks and use his monopoly on inter-faction communication to further his ambitious weapons programs, which are already reaching terrifying levels of sophistication. But we felt that the prospects of renewed cooperation across the globe were worth the risks.”
Zeiter: “In your opinion, what would a win for Chairman Yang in the elections entail for the next decade?”
Kassiopeia: “Oh, well, that’s quite a broad question, and one that I’m not sure I’m at liberty to answer at this present time. Certainly, whoever wins the planetary governorship will see an increase in economic output, as well as improved intelligence capabilities, but more than that I can’t say.”
Zeiter: “Do you foresee any other major proposals coming to the floor anytime soon?”
Kassiopeia: “Not any major proposals, but we‘re monitoring the Gaian/Hive conflict very closely. We will not long allow the unprovoked agression of the Hive to go unchecked."
Zeiter: “I believe we’ll have to leave it at that. Thank you so much for your time, Captain Kassiopeia.”
Kassiopeia: “My pleasure.”
Last edited by Zeiter on 28-09-2004 at 04:00
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11-08-2004 02:15
Attachment: 
As I got no further comments, I sent the turn on with SC1's worker changed to a doctor for this turn. As Shinsengumi can reach SC1 next turn, nerve stapling would no longer be necessary.
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