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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:21
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Out of Character: We had a bit of a hiatus with The Phalanx so some articles are really outdated. We'll get back on track with Issue #6 which shouldn't quite take two months to compile.
The Phalanx
Your only reliable and trustworthy resource for news on the Spartan Federation. To quote the Spartan Battle Manual:
Information, the first principle of warfare, must form the foundation of all your efforts. Know, of course, thine enemy. But in knowing him do not forget above all to know thyself. The commander who embraces this totality of battle shall win even with the inferior force.
In Issue #5:
Making a Difference: How You Can Volunteer and Help Your Community (educational)
Lemmy Joins Spartan Ranks (news)
Mass Nervestapling Barely Averted! (news)
Planetary Council Convened! (news)
Spartan Factional Anthem Announced (news)
Chiron Wars Episode I: Attack of the Kittens (fiction)
Making a Difference: How You Can Volunteer and Help Your Community
by Captain Zeiter
Volunteering is one of the noblest and most rewarding things you can do, surprisingly enough. Every community needs some volunteer help. Whatever your skills are, there’s always something you can do. Just look at Major Jamski. Here you seem him teaching some neighborhood teenagers the “Jamski Chokehold Maneuver”.
Maybe you’re not so much the physical combat type. Perhaps your expertise is in the field of electronics. There are still plenty of things you can do to help your community. You could teach the neighborhood kids how to disable a Hive security interlock. Or, you could do like these men are doing, and instruct the kids on how to plant plastic explosives on a Hive terraforming unit.
If you really can’t think of any activity to volunteer for, you could at least hold a community seminar for the elementary students on how to use a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher. As a Spartan citizen, you should have at least basic knowledge of most militia-grade weapons. Of course, volunteer efforts in non-military fields are also welcome. For instance, baking cookies for the community youngsters is a great way to volunteer. And remember, it never hurts to add a little subtle anti-Hive propaganda into your volunteer efforts, as the delicious blue icing on these cookies demonstrates.
Whether your specialty is chokeholds, explosives, or freedom cookies, there’s a volunteer activity for you! Good luck!
Table of Contents
Lemmy Joins Spartan Ranks
by Major Kassiopeia
Sparta Command. Spartan citizens were nonplussed earlier today to sense an incredibly foul stench floating across the streets of Sparta Command. The cause for it was soon apparent, as a detachment of zombies, vampires, reanimated skeletons and various other necromantic creatures was seen marching in the streets. Their reason remained unknown, until the entourage arrived at the gate of Sparta Command. A single man emerged from the group and approached the distressed private guarding the entrance.
''Tell the Colonel that Lemmy wants to see him', he told me, I swear", said the guard once our reporter got a hold of him. The rumors are true: the infamous practicionist of witchcraft, lesser evilness, necromancy and horrendously bad humour has become a Spartan.
Undead Army to follow
Our courageus (and newly hired) journalist approached his Lemminess, and the Dutchie answered to a few questions before making him disappear in a ball of fire.
According to the information we could scavenge from his recorder, Lemmy intends to bring his renown Army of the Undead to do his (and the High Command's) bidding.
When asked on the status of the Undead Army, Lemmy had this to say: "I wonder if my [Undead] legion [of Doom] is still around.... i left them here when i got inactive, they should be around somewhere  "
After further beseeching and search, units of the Doom Legion started to appear seemingly out of nowhere in Sparta Command. Lemmy also took the opportunity to visit the military burial ground near the Recycling Tanks, but was most disappointed to discover that the headstones had only symbolical value. Lieutenant Colonel Maniac has promised that this practice will be abolished. The Undead Legion will form its own unit, while other undead will be attached to regular units as is seen fit.
Spartan faction now "incredibly evil"
Soon after the appearance of Lemmy, the professor of evilogy at the Spartan Academy, Doctor Olga Virtanen, held a press conference today to explain the results of a study conducted by her research group.
"The faction had a disproportionately quotient of Finnish people as it were. Add to that the fact that the Spartan faction is by default quite evil. When you compound that with the effect of Lemmy's almost-but-not-quite Finnish evilness, it completely tilts the balance. The second closest faction is the Gaians, but their level of Finnishness is only 50% of that of the Spartans.
What we are now experiencing are unforeseen levels of evil in the faction. Our study predicts that this and the Undead Army will make Spartan domination of Planet at least 76% more probable, upping the likelihood of it to 0.99993. Sparta is now inexorably, totally, vehemently, incredibly evil. "
A clouded past uncovered
The fact that i command an undead army, doesn't mean i brutally kill people.
-- Lemmy
Who is the fabled man whose history no one seems to really know? We here at The Phalanx did our reading and put together A Brief History of the Lemmy.
It all started, in the ACDG anyway, quite "innocently" in the second ever Recreation Commons. A pile of credits were left in a cabinet in the Commons, meant for TKG as a 2% of the profit. Lemmy decided to steal these funds, and the world was never quite the same again.
Lemmy was accused of Grand Theft Mikrocred (originally Not So Grand Theft Mikrocred). A jail sentence was being planned, when Kassiopeia discovered that Lemmy wanted to get imprisoned, to be the first person ever on Chiron to be jailed. Not set back by this in the least, Kassiopeia turned on his heels and kicked up a campaign to keep Lemmy out of jail at all costs.
This prompted Lemmy to confess his true nature once and for all:
quote:
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I confess, i did it!!!! I did it all, i stole the money, i confess to the Grand Theft Xenobrew, i confess to the serial killings!! And you know why i did it? Because i'm evil 
Yeah, that's right, EVIL!!! 
* Lemmy knocks out Kass for "helping" him.
See, i'm evil...Mwuahahahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Lemmy flees to his hidden lair in New Suez Section 8, sublevel 2, in the east wing to contemplate his world domination plans. |
When the trial finally took place, a sense of "now that we're at it" overwhelmed everyone, and a pile of charges were laid besides the credit theft.
The full list is as follows:
- Serial murder (e.g. Zakharov VII, Tacticalmarine, juliennew, other vanished posters)
- Kidnapping Commissioner Crisler
- Grand Theft Mikrocred
- Grand Theft Xenobrew
- Being evil
- Witchcraft (turning Kassiopeia into Furniture)
- Necromancy (raising an army of the undead)
- Leaving the scene of a crime
- Use of horrendously bad humour while on duty (the details on this one are sketchy but trust me, it was bad)
Lemmy was found guilty of (at least) the Grand Theft Mikrocred charge. He was declared innocent on most charges, though, and was convicted to do community service in Rec Commons III.
After Case Lemmy things got a bit quieter, but only for a while, for then...
quote:
Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Maniac should really do something about the restroom. I think the green thing growing behind the urinals that I saw three weeks ago is going to reach sentience and try to overthrow Mankind soon. |
Table of Contents
Mass Nervestapling Barely Averted!
by Captain Zeiter
The many citizens of Sparta Command were recently shocked (no pun intended) to learn that they barely averted a mass nerve stapling. The cause of the near mishap? The investigations are yet to be concluded, but it is believed by some top officials that the new Spartan Minister of Evilness, Necromancy, and Other Generally Awful Things, the well-known, and some would say "infamous" Lemmy, was behind it. A mysterious annonymous source, known only as "Deep Coat" gave this account:
"It was a busy day at the HQ. The domestic planning memoranda box was overflowing with suggestions from the various departments, and the field Captains had just radioed in and were asking for orders. Officials were running left and right and the vidfeeds were ringing off the hook. Just then I received a message of possible drone uprisings in Sparta Command. I was too busy to find Lt. Col. Maniac to deliver the message myself, so I handed it to Lemmy, our new recruit in the high command, and told him to deliver the message for me. When I saw that maniacal grin on his face as he was walking away, I had a feeling that there was going to be trouble."
The chief investigator of the case had this to say on the matter:
Chief Investigator: "So far, our intelligence suggests that Lemmy took the memo, went to the nearest vidfeed transmitter, and called up the Sparta Command military police brigade, whereupon he issued the order for total nervestapling of the Sparta Command population. Luckily, Lt. Col. Maniac was notified of the situation in time to cancel the nervestaple order, but it was a very close shave."
Reporter Zeiter: "What evidence do you have that led you to this conclusion?"
Chief Investigator: "We were able to retreive an audio recording of the supposed vidfeed transmission between Lemmy and the Captain of the Sparta Command Police Brigade. The quality of the tape is low, and most of it is inaudible, but we were able to retrieve this vital portion of the tape and analyze it. Let's Listen:"
"...[inadible]...[inaudible]...Mwhahahahaha!!!..."
Chief Investigator: "The voice on the tape is almost an exact match of Lemmy's. We believe that this maniacal laughter indisputably incriminates him."
Determined to get to the bottom of the story, we at The Phalanx decided to ask Lemmy himself for a one-on-one interview. Unfortunately, we have still not heard back from our reporter. What does this all mean? Who was really the person responsible? I guess we'll just have to wait for the conclusion of the investigation to find out.
Table of Contents
Planetary Council Convened!
by Captain Zeiter
Faction diplomats eagerly gathered at the U.N. Headquarters planetary governor summit recently, where top officials, heads of state, and envoys heatedly discussed the election of the planetary governor. The election was called by Chairman Yang of the Hive, who had just recently acquired the commlink frequencies for the University and for the Peacekeepers. In order to gain a better perspective of the recent events, The Phalanx asked Major Kassiopeia, the chief Spartan diplomat, for an interview.
Zeiter: “We at the Phalanx are curious, how exactly did the Hive obtain the University and Peacekeeper commlinks?”
Kassiopeia: “Well, so far we’ve kept that classified, but I suppose we can produce that information now. We at the Sparta Command HQ recently learned that the Gaians had obtained the Hive commlink. The Hive already had communications with the Morganites and Data Angels, so if the Hive were to acquire the University and Peacekeeper commlinks, then Chairman Yang would have all of the commlink frequencies, and would almost surely call elections for planetary governor. We thought that, by getting elections called, we could get all factions of Planet to reunite and hopefully work together towards world peace and success for our human race. There were risks, no doubt. There are always risks when dealing with a brutal dictator, especially one who spends his free time shooting defenseless puppies. We feared that Chairman Yang would hoard the commlinks and use his monopoly on inter-faction communication to further his ambitious weapons programs, which are already reaching terrifying levels of sophistication. But we felt that the prospects of renewed cooperation across the globe were worth the risks.”
Zeiter: “In your opinion, what would a win for Chairman Yang in the elections entail for the next decade?”
Kassiopeia: “Oh, well, that’s quite a broad question, and one that I’m not sure I’m at liberty to answer at this present time. Certainly, whoever wins the planetary governorship will see an increase in economic output, as well as improved intelligence capabilities, but more than that I can’t say.”
Zeiter: “Do you foresee any other major proposals coming to the floor anytime soon?”
Kassiopeia: “Not any major proposals, but we‘re monitoring the Gaian/Hive conflict very closely. We will not for long allow the unprovoked agression of the Hive to go unchecked."
Zeiter: “I believe we’ll have to leave it at that. Thank you so much for your time, Major Kassiopeia.”
Kassiopeia: “My pleasure.”
Table of Contents
Spartan Factional Anthem Announced
by Major Kassiopeia
In a symbol of reinforcing the unity of the Spartan Federation, a competition was arranged to compose a national anthem for our great federation. After wading through thousands upon thousands of excellent and remarkable entries, it was hard for a special panel composed of the officers of the Junta to make the final decision. The honour of being the first Spartan Anthem fell on, surprisingly, an old recording from the 20th century, that has survived despite the tragedy of Earth in the datalinks of UNS Unity.
Here, now, for the first time, The Phalanx presents to you, exclusively, the anthem in its full glory: Right click (and save target as...) Unfortunately, due to the crash of the vessel, there is no information on the actual song, save for the date (it was under the "1900's" directory) and the music itself.
Table of Contents
Chiron Wars Episode I: Attack of the Kittens
by the members of the Spartan Junta
Chapter I
It was a dark night as Chiron's two suns had both set. And all that could be heard was the gentle soughing of the evening breeze ruffling the fungus tendrils outside the mess tent. Occasionally the scent of burnt fungus would softly drift into the tent - a subtle, but haunting reminder of past trials. Out there, somewhere out there, over ten thousand Spartan soldiers moved swiftly and silently. On a mission - a highly secret and sensitive mission - whose true intent only Major Skanky Burns, their commanding officer, knew.
Suddenly, a loud, short crackling noise was heard. Major Burns had just incorrectly hotwired a rover.
"Blast, don't these Gaian's know how to use standard wiring in their damned vehicles?" complained the Major to himself.
Skanky pulled a mindworm out of the nearby fungus bit it's head off and started using the insides as an insulated kind of glue to repair the burnt wiring.
"Sir, the remainder of the perimeter defence have been eliminated" stated Lieutenant Kassiopeia, not even breathing heavy despite the fierce fighting which had just taken place.
Meanwhile, in the Command Center, Lt. Col. Maniac poured himself another cup of xenojava and grunted in satisfaction as he watched the vidfeed of the military exercise currently underway in the fungus outside Santiago Citadel, and wondered what could go wrong this time.
Jamski couldn't wait any longer and rammed his impact rover though the Gaian perimiter fences. After the impact Jamski felt dizzy, and saw images of a cat emerging from a boiler. They were clearly suffering from post-crash flash-backs. Even in through his dizziness though, Jamski saw that the cats had guns, the model which typically were employed by Gaians. They leapt over to one of the cats and nervestapled it before it could fire its gun - Only to realize that it was a mindworm, exercising its psi-powers to cause Jamski to hallucinate that he was indeed seeing cats, as he belatedly realized that it was immune to the Spartan issue nervestapler RC-4155 ....... or had he nervestaped himself by mistake?
Meanwhile other spartan teams movde inside the destroyed defense perimeter. But suddenly, a bright flash blinded all the Spartans, and when they regained their senses they found themselves alone in the middle of an unnaturally smooth, bare plateau that stretched to the horizon all around them.
"That must have been some party last night," Jamski commented.
"It looks like a psi attack, but it doesn't feel like it", Kassiopeia said.
"Right, a psi attack. Of course", Jamski said while sniffing his shirt gingerly.
The ground beneath the Spartans began to boil with millions of kittens burrowing their ways to the surface.
"This doesn't sound good. " Major Burns commented. "Then again, I am rather hungry."
"They can't be used as a source of food, for they are so small that a single hit from an impact rifle will evaporate them", Kassiopeia said.
"Then let's use flamethrowers: they'll be roasted right away!" said Major Skanky expectantly.
"But we only have a few flamethrowers and the kittens seem to be reproducing at an exponential rate!" said Kassiopeia.
While Skanky and Kassiopeia were wasting time discussing the latest haute cuisine de chat, the ground burst open, signalling the start of The Attack of the Kittens.
"But they always have enough time to contemplate these things in the holovids!" Kassiopeia protested and started to fire at the kittens.
End of Chapter I.
Table of Contents
That wraps it up. Comments, articles, suggestions, go to Major Kassiopeia. PM him.
Last edited by Kassiopeia on 12-10-2004 at 00:30
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11-10-2004 23:30
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