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Az
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MACEDONIA - It's the name of the sovereign country to the north of Greece
Apr 2000
time: 07:37
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Here's this paper I've written. It's in english, so it should be ok with you. All remarks, both scientific, and on the crucial issue of punctuation marks are welcome.
Oh, and be gentle. 
 Attachment: catalytic_antibodies.pdf
This has been downloaded 19 time(s).
Last edited by Az on 31-07-2005 at 15:24
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Combat Ingrid
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Satan's Majestic Empire
Nov 2001
time: 06:37
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Some friendly comments after glancing through your paper:
* There are many minor errors, such as "ofof" in part IX
* Write "it is", would not" etc, never "it's", "wouldn't" etc 
* Your sentences are too long and sometimes redundant. Examples:
quote:
The general logic of the Abzyme approach is that if antibodies have a biological function to capture and attach themselves to certain molecular structures, that attachment is favoured thermodynamically, and thus, if vaccination occurs with a molecule that has similar steric and electronic properties to the transition state of the rate-determining state of a reaction, the result will be an enzyme that will be able to lower the energy of the transition state of said reaction, and thus will be an effective catalyst.
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That is a rather long sentence 
quote:
The more we get into the reaction, the more clearly we can see the problems that present themselves in this reaction: |
Redundant text. Write something like "The further we get into the reaction, its problems become more apparent" instead.
* Make sure you use the same terminology throughout the paper. I noticed that you used both "rate determining step" and "rate defining step", there may be others. It's no big deal, but it may confuse senile professors.
I can't really comment on the organic chemistry part, it's not my area of expertise 
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Zopperoni
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Try to write shorter sentences. You have sentences that run for five or six lines, which makes reading them more complicated. Here's one example:
quote:
The general logic of the Abzyme approach is that if antibodies have a biological function to capture and attach themselves to certain molecular structures, that attachment is favoured thermodynamically, and thus, if vaccination occurs with a molecule that has similar steric and electronic properties to the transition state of the rate-determining state of a reaction, the result will be an enzyme that will be able to lower the energy of the transition state of said reaction, and thus will be an effective catalyst. |
Try to limit yourself to sentences that have max. ~15 words. This will improve readability considerably.
I haven't truly read the whole thing, because I wouldn't understand it anyway but I spotted two things:
1) It is always better to avoid contractions, so write out "does not" instead of writing "doesn't"
2) "dependant" --> "dependent" (last sentence of the conclusion)
Finally, fix your references. They are not represented in a consistent fashion. Some have first name first and last name second, and some vice versa. Others do not have a date of publication mentioned.
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Az
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MACEDONIA - It's the name of the sovereign country to the north of Greece
Apr 2000
time: 07:37
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quote:
Write "it is", would not" etc, never "it's" |
It it's not "it's" like "it is", it's "it's", and that's it.
quote:
The general logic of the Abzyme approach is that if antibodies have a biological function to capture and attach themselves to certain molecular structures, that attachment is favoured thermodynamically, and thus, if vaccination occurs with a molecule that has similar steric and electronic properties to the transition state of the rate-determining state of a reaction, the result will be an enzyme that will be able to lower the energy of the transition state of said reaction, and thus will be an effective catalyst. |
great sentence, innit?
Last edited by Az on 31-07-2005 at 17:10
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JohnT
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Capitalist
Mar 1999
time: 00:37
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quote:
I. Introduction
With the ever-increasing importance of carbohydrates in general, and oligosaccharides, in particular, in biopharmaceuptical and biotechnological solutions, a constant demand for new synthetic tools that deal with oligosaccharides is created, particularly tools with various selective properties. Due to their inherent exquisite catalytical properties, enzymes have been explored, and have been successfully utilized in many cases(1). However, enzyme catalysis faces the constant problem of a lack of diversity in naturally occuring specimens. This paper will propose a solution to the topic using the natural diversity of antibodies and the power of the vaccination selection mechanism, while concentrating on a simple reaction to showcase both the possibilities and the challenges that such an approach faces. |
Read better as:
quote:
I. Introduction
The ever-increasing importance of oligosaccharides in biopharmaceuptical solutions creates a constant demand for new synthetic tools that deal with them, particularly tools with various selective properties. Enzymes, due to their inherent catalytical properties, have been explored and successfully utilized in many cases(1). However, enzyme catalysis faces the constant problem of a lack of diversity in naturally occuring specimens. This paper proposes a solution to the topic using antibodies and the vaccination selection mechanism, while concentrating on a simple reaction to showcase the possibilities and the challenges that such an approach faces. |
In the above paragraph you might want to change "simple" to "single" if you are just showing one reaction.
The First Rule of Editing: Second draft=First Draft - 10%. The first is an unwieldy 115 words, the second is a tighter 94.
The easiest way to lop off that 10% is to drop the descriptive phrases, the non-essential adjectives and adverbs.
Active voice! Have confidence in what you're saying! Is you're paper "proposing a solution"  or are you just hoping that it "will propose a solution"  ? A lot of academics nowadays seem to think that passive voice is good, but **** them - you're in the business of getting your ideas across and if you don't sound confident of what you're proposing, why should we be confident of what we're reading? Get rid of "whiles", "possible", and other wimpy words.
Last edited by JohnT on 31-07-2005 at 17:32
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JohnT
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Capitalist
Mar 1999
time: 00:37
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Also, since you are writing a professional paper to an audience of other professionals, don't waste time defining common terms, unless they bear directly on the paper. In part two, assume your audience knows what "somatic recombination" is. You would only define somatic recombination if your paper deals largely with variations or alternatives to somatic recombination. Since it doesn't... remove it.
Here's what I came up with:
quote:
The catalytic antibody, or 'abzyme' approach, shows great promise due to the nature of somatic recombination and has the ability to synthesize antibodies that we can control through the vaccination process. This paper will include a short schematic explanation of the function of the antibody, and the logic and technique leading to it's application as a catalyst.
The general logic of the Abzyme approach is that if antibodies have a biological function to capture and attach themselves to certain molecular structures, the attachment is favoured thermodynamically: if vaccination occurs with a molecule that has similar steric and electronic properties to the transition state of the rate-determining state of a reaction, the result will be an enzyme that will be able to lower the energy of the transition state of said reaction, and thus will be an effective catalyst. |
From 208 to 138 words - 1/3 of the wordiness, removed. And, as far as I can tell, it says the same thing.
However... that last sentence is a tongue and brain-twister, but I left it uncorrected as I really don't understand what you're saying (in chemistry terms at least) and don't want to break the chain of logic.
Last edited by JohnT on 31-07-2005 at 17:18
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31-07-2005 14:50
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