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Clear Skies
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looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
Jul 2000
time: 05:14
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Since when have the human faction leaders ever been called upon to pronounce Marr's name?...
Anyway.
The Rover Driver And The Believer Priest
A Spartan van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Peacekeeper he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous light purple colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a Believer priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Believer 'where are you going, Father?'
'I'm going to say mass at New Jerusalem, about 2 miles down the road' replied the priest.
'No problem Father! I'll give you a lift! Climb in!'
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Peacekeeper walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the Believer priest sat in the back, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Peacekeeper. However even though he was certain he missed the whining little ****, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said 'I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Peacekeeper.'
'That's okay' replied the priest. 'I got the
*?!*** with the door!'
__
Morgan, who was desperately low on energy credits, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, he figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: MORGAN'S ASS SHOWS
Morgan was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: MORGAN’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Miriam was so upset with this show of depravity that she ordered Morgan not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: MIRIAM SCRATCHES MORGAN'S ASS
This was too much for Miriam, and she ordered Morgan to get rid of the animal. Morgan gave the donkey to Deirdre instead.
The next day the headline read: DEIRDRE HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
Miriam fainted. She told Deirdre that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, Deirdre finally sold the beast to Lal for 10 energy credits.
The headline read: DEIRDRE PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN CREDS
They buried Miriam the next day.
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Clear Skies
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looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
Jul 2000
time: 05:14
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Zakharov was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." Zakharov took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again Zakharov took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
Zakharov said, "Look, I'm a scientist. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
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Clear Skies
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looking for a saviour in these dirty streets
Jul 2000
time: 05:14
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Oh, go on then...at the risk of being accused of spamming...
Chairman Yang, Sister Miriam Godwinson and Director Morgan are called up before God. God says to them, "You must each go back to your people and tell them two pieces of news. One, I do exist, and two, the world is going to end tomorrow."
Chairman Yang goes back to The Hive and says, "I have two pieces of bad news. One, we were wrong all along. god does exist. Two, the world's going to end tomorrow."
Sister Miriam goes back to New Jerusalem and says to her Believers, "I have one piece of good news and one of bad news. My followers, we were right! The Almighty does exist after all! The bad news is, the world will end tomorrow, so we must prepare!"
Director Morgan goes back to Morgan Industries and says, "I have two pieces of really great news! One, I'm one of the three most important people on Planet, and two, the ecodamage problem is solved!"
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Adalbertus
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Cologne, Germany
Feb 2001
time: 06:14
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To continue with those SMACizes jokes:
Yang has finally beaten Zakharov, Miriam and Santiago. Before putting them to the Punishment Sphere, he decides to to a social experiment (or something like that  ) Each of them is locked into a small room, together with a (closed) tin of food.
Two days later, he looks into the first room, with Santiago. She lies in the corner, sleeping, the tin heavily deformed but open, the walls full of what apparently is more than half of the contents of the tin.
In the next room is also asleep. The walls are filled with mathematical formulae, and Zak apparently was able to throw the tin so exactly to the edge of a chair that it sprang open.
In the third room, the tin is untouched. Miriam is awake, a bit weak but looks happily out of the window into the sun, muttering "I believe I've eaten my fill".
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15-05-2002 04:10
These are the best jokes I've seen yet, SMAC related or not!
Must be having a bad day or something, because I don't get it.
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