23-12-2002 05:02									#31
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ive been on my own before.
most of the time i do ok... i can support myself and the kids... my oldest son is 18 and already told me hes there for me and is looking for a part time job to help out.

i met this guy at the last place i worked...he pursued me for a couple of years before i went out with him.
weve been together 10 years and have a daughter.
hes your typical NICE guy person.
hes no rocket scientist but hes really a good hearted man and i think most of the time is good to me.
he has a nasty temper that hes worked on and improved some. just a regular guy....
one of the things i liked about him was that i didn't think he played mind games with me ... he just doesn't come across as a manipulating or controling person .
but im beginning to wonder if its just more hidden.

	23-12-2002 05:10									#32
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when i started this thread it was my third night alone and its the nights i have the trouble with... when you are used to having someone sleeping next to you for so many years.... theres just this huge void that is worse at night i think.
i mean you just miss that warmth and comfort that comes from someone being there at night.
when you have nightmares or just feel alone all you have to do is slide your leg or hand over and touch them and it just feels like its ok...... maybe thats just a woman thing...

	23-12-2002 05:11									#33
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It's only got two hundred views, and thirty posts (including this one). I think one of the reasons people may not be saying anything is that they just kinda look at the thread title and think it's just a fluff piece and move on. I did, until I was bored enough to look inside.

You're not alone, you have friends here. These are people who help each other out, and they'll help you out too.

Dr. S isn't teasing you, he's giving you good advice. Getting it off your chest will help you feel it (which as painful as that may be, needs to be done). It will help you to begin to deal with the betrayal. It will help you remember why you need to be strong.

But maybe you should just write it down to yourself, if you don't want to put your personal business out there for the whole world to see, and I can understand that. Even though he is the one that betrayed you, betrayal can make people feel foolish and ashamed.

A lot of people aren't saying anything because they feel it would be trite. When nothing you can say will make it any better, you feel helpless and stupid for making the obvious comment. (Everyone: just say something, so Boann knows she isn't alone.) A lot of folks aren't in any way prepared to deal with something like this.

You will survive, it will get better, you don't need him. You do need friends and family. Don't be afriad to lean on them. You'll learn who your true friends and family are.

	23-12-2002 05:12									#34
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quote: Originally posted by boann when you are used to having someone sleeping next to you for so many years.... theres just this huge void that is worse at night i think.

Try sleeping on the couch. Get all your comfort items and move into the living room. When there's only room for one person, there's no void.

	23-12-2002 05:13									#35
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Now I'm almost starting to like the guy. I hate it when people shatter my comfortable little prejudices.

Only you know what you might gain by taking him back, and what you might lose by telling him to go.

Don't make any decision too quickly, but when you do make up your mind 100% be sure to make it absolutely clear to him how you feel.

Anyone can make a mistake, but since this is not the first time he's cheated I'm sure you realise the chances of him doing it again if you take him back are pretty high.

(PS. It sounds like you did a great job raising your son. )

	23-12-2002 05:15									#36
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quote: Originally posted by boann well you can all answer this one question for me then why does a person cheat ? why do they if they say they don't love the other person? why would they risk everything for someone they don't love and say they still love the one they hurt? why would they do it over and over and still expect to be forgiven ? is it because society as a whole doesn't seem to think it matters and that its ok?

More importantly we should ask why this particular individual cheated. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is, maybe he has a problem with impulse control, maybe he has a problem with realistically anticipating the consequences of his actions.

Does this guy have "Peter Pan Syndrome"? Sometimes the boyish spontaneity that seems so attractive and invigorating really boils down to immaturity.

	23-12-2002 05:16									#37
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quote: Originally posted by boann maybe thats just a woman thing...

No, I think men feel like that too. (at least ... I do)

	23-12-2002 05:17									#38
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quote: Originally posted by MichaeltheGreat Amazing the ability some people have to summon tears on command. Did you ever see Jimmy Swaggart's "Forgive me, ah have sinnnnnned" sermon on TV? It's like a two-year old with a cookie, but two-year olds don't have malice, just a limited ability to negotiate for what they want. The adult version has no excuse.

yeah i saw that...
hes a putz.... gawd...

	23-12-2002 05:18									#39
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quote: Originally posted by boann one of the things i liked about him was that i didn't think he played mind games with me ... he just doesn't come across as a manipulating or controling person . but im beginning to wonder if its just more hidden.

The really good ones conceal it well, or they wouldn't be really good, but the thing is, trying to figure him and his motivations out keeps you focusing on him, not you.

The nights thing is why I said get a dog (or a cat) - even a little four-legged source of body heat is nice, and so is the pretty much unconditional love (though they tend to be more loving when fed )

And no, it's not a woman thing - look at babies with their stuffed animals.

	23-12-2002 05:20									#40
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quote: Originally posted by Dr Strangelove More importantly we should ask why this particular individual cheated. Maybe he doesn't really know what love is, maybe he has a problem with impulse control, maybe he has a problem with realistically anticipating the consequences of his actions. Does this guy have "Peter Pan Syndrome"? Sometimes the boyish spontaneity that seems so attractive and invigorating really boils down to immaturity.

yes he is and im sure this is most of the problem.
but should i keep on forgiving him .
it makes me feel like an enablier... and it makes me feel used and taken for granted

	23-12-2002 05:21									#41
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quote: Originally posted by FrustratedPoet No, I think men feel like that too. (at least ... I do)

	23-12-2002 05:23									#42
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quote: Originally posted by boann but should i keep on forgiving him.

Only if you're willing to live with a cheater. Having gotten away with it twice, he's unlikely to stop now. If you can accept the fact that he's going to be unfaithful and you still want him, then take him back. If fidelity and a lack of STDs is something you value more than having a warm body next to you, then give his arguments the hand.

	23-12-2002 05:25									#43
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quote: Originally posted by MichaeltheGreat The really good ones conceal it well, or they wouldn't be really good, but the thing is, trying to figure him and his motivations out keeps you focusing on him, not you. The nights thing is why I said get a dog (or a cat) - even a little four-legged source of body heat is nice, and so is the pretty much unconditional love (though they tend to be more loving when fed ) And no, it's not a woman thing - look at babies with their stuffed animals.

well i was thinking of getting a dog for my daughter for christmas before all this came up again.
and then i put it off because i just didn't know if i would have to move out to an apartment or not.

	23-12-2002 05:28									#44
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quote: Originally posted by chegitz guevara Only if you're willing to live with a cheater. Having gotten away with it twice, he's unlikely to stop now. If you can accept the fact that he's going to be unfaithful and you still want him, then take him back. If fidelity and a lack of STDs is something you value more than having a warm body next to you, then give his arguments the hand.

thats just it....i don't want to live with a cheater.
and i value myself enough that i know i deserve
better than that. and i can learn to deal with the
nights over time ... ive done it before...
the first month is the hardest...
i don't want just a warm body....i want a warm heart that loves only me.
i don't think thats too much to ask.

	23-12-2002 05:35									#45
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The love isn't the problem. Lots of people can boink people without emotions never entering the picture. I believe your ex when he says he didn't love her, he was using her. That's irrelevent. He was putting you at risk. He will continue to put you at risk. How do you think housewives get AIDS? He could have killed you. You need to stay furious.

	23-12-2002 05:49									#46
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i had a couple of years back in my 20's when i suppose you could say i sowed a few oats...if girls can do that. but i was single and had no children then.
and i think its a normal cycle people grow through.


but most of my life i have never been interested in
intimacy without love.

and your right i need to keep my anger over it.
without it , its hard to have resolve .

	23-12-2002 06:09									#47
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thinking about that word ........resolve....

im usually a very private person , when things are wrong i maybe tell a couple of close friends and just deal with it myself. but this time ive told everyone.
my family , his family, my friends and now its public
i think its the only way for me to keep my head on straight and do this hard thing to make my life and my kids lives better.

	23-12-2002 06:50									#48
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Sorry, the way that I read your earlier posts I thought that it was all a done deal. Perhaps yet another way to keep your resolve is to focus on your family life. How good could this guys playing around be for your kids?

	23-12-2002 07:27									#49
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I agree with Che, and MtG's excellent initial post on the matter. Cheaters cheat. Once could be an alchohol fueled anomoly, twice is a challenge to your self-respect. Meet that challenge (as you seem to have already done) and stick to that. There are a lot of people out there who would never put you through something like this, and I bet you can find one who is warm and hardly snores at all.

	23-12-2002 08:42									#50
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quote: Originally posted by Dr Strangelove Sorry, the way that I read your earlier posts I thought that it was all a done deal. Perhaps yet another way to keep your resolve is to focus on your family life. How good could this guys playing around be for your kids?

hes staying with his folks.
still unconvinced that im completly serious.
he took some cloths and a few cds
im sure he thinks he will just stay away a week or
two like last time and then ill let him come home.

	23-12-2002 08:48									#51
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quote: Originally posted by Sikander I agree with Che, and MtG's excellent initial post on the matter. Cheaters cheat. Once could be an alchohol fueled anomoly, twice is a challenge to your self-respect. Meet that challenge (as you seem to have already done) and stick to that. There are a lot of people out there who would never put you through something like this, and I bet you can find one who is warm and hardly snores at all.

thats exactly what i think.
this was an ongoing 3 year affair.
hardly can be excused away with some placating
im sorrys ....

	23-12-2002 08:57									#52
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quote: Originally posted by Sikander and I bet you can find one who is warm and hardly snores at all.

We snorers need the love of a good woman too, you know.

	23-12-2002 09:58									#53
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It's easy for someone to say leave them and dont let them come back, but harder to do. There are so many questions that flow through your mind about why they did it and if you could have done something different.

During the summer I met a girl that I seemed to have a lot in common with and we got along great. One night before I went over to stay at her house she admitted to me that she was married and her husband had been in Egypt for 7 months. He was one of the guard units that had been sent over and I was so ashamed. Needless to say I excused myself. Not because I am a saint or because I am in so much control, but because I know what it's like to be cheated on. Now her husband has found out about other affairs she has had and they are having serious problems. She is currently pregnant with her third child. I still talk to her and I try to find some way to lift her out of her depression but it's hard when most of her problems were caused by her lack of control.

boann: It's his loss. He had someone that had a big heart full of love and compassion and he blew it. Just don't close up your heart because of his lack of control. Not all guys are like that.

	23-12-2002 10:10									#54
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I can't stand people who cheat in a relationship. You shouldn't let the misgivings of this fool get you down. There are many good people out there and you will find one. Just don't be fooled into believing him if he says he won't do it again, because he will if you give him that chance.

	23-12-2002 11:35									#55
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You have become the enabeler in this case. It's similar to when a child does something wrong. We tell them if you do that again xyz will happen so they do it again and it comes time to reinforce the threat of xyz but when that doesn't come through then they know they can do it and get away with it. However, he put you in the position to be the enabeler so shame on him!

My heart is with you. I went through something like this about 8 years ago and thought I couldn't do the alone thing......then I wound up not wanting to do the people thing because I eventually liked the alone thing. No one's coffee to make, no dirty undewear to pick up and wash etc.....but the empty bed thing did suck. You've done the right thing no matter how hard it seems now, it will pass and you have loads of friends and support here. If you ever want to talk just find me on aim or msn and I will stay up with you Since my husband works nights I"m usually here.

A muscian friend of mine wrote a song called I Can Do This. I't's about a break up she was going through and the chorus was really helpful for me when I was down so I send it to you for you to make your mantra, I did and it really helped me.


I can do this
It's only night
It's only day without the light

Oh I can do this
I can make it through
I don't need you
I I can make it out on my own
I can do this

	23-12-2002 11:42									#56
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thanks tia

	23-12-2002 12:26									#57
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Always remember your not in it alone. Chin up! You're better then that so don't let it get you down.

	23-12-2002 12:38									#58
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As for cheating men do indeed crave sex with many women. These are biological urges.

but that is no excuse!! Most men have urges to have sex with many women, but are able to have self-control.

So I would say it is a lack of self-control.

	23-12-2002 12:40									#59
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And because of this lack of self-control taking him back is not a good idea. I think self-control is largely genetic/biological. If he doesn't have it now, don't expect him to have it in the future.

You must find someone who can fight their attractions to other women.

	23-12-2002 13:07									#60
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boann: I'm very sorry to hear this As someone who's been cheated on before, I know where you're coming from. It's truly sickening, especially when it's someone you love and trust. But with time your faith in humanity will be rebuilt. Surround yourself with friends and family that you know love and trust, and do not make excuses for the slimeball. There is no excuse for adultery.