15-04-2003 04:51									#1
	What to do after 24 years? Support Apolyton or Terrorists Win

I have something very personal in my past that happened about 24 years ago when I was in college. I never really got any closure on this issue and of late it seems to be croping up and causing me a great deal of regret. It happened with a guy in college whom I dated for almost 2 years and now quite by accident when I signed up for one of those classmates thingy's.......well........there he is. I've told my husband about what happened and also told him that I felt like I needed to make some type of conntact with this person to gain some type of closure for myself.

If you can believe this it was actually his suggestion that I post this and get advice on it. To my husband he doesn't see why I need to deal with something that happened 24 years ago, but for me it's now affecting the life I have now. I think he's a bit worried that a fire might rekindle but that is the farthest thing from my mind regarding this. I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

So do I make contact or no?

	15-04-2003 05:10									#2
	Re: What to do after 24 years? Support Apolyton buy from Amazon

quote: Originally posted by Tiamat However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

Healing old wounds may be a good thing.
Opening new ones would be a bad thing.
Just make sure you know the difference ...


[A guy named Kurt Vonnegut put it much better than I just did. ]

	15-04-2003 05:11									#3
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what happened?

	15-04-2003 05:14									#4
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Have you tried writing a letter with all the things you want to say. Formulate your thoughts and feelings on the subject as if you were going to send it. I find the process to be very therapeutic, even though I never actually send the letter to the person I write it to I feel a lot better in myself. I prefer that to reliving a moment over and over in my mind and thinking about what could have been done differently.

Last edited by Dauphin on 15-04-2003 at 05:27

	15-04-2003 05:21									#5
	Re: What to do after 24 years? Support Apolyton, pre-order Civilization IV

quote: Originally posted by Tiamat So do I make contact or no?

Of course

If after 24 years still bothers you, is because you need a closure.
Sure your husband (you're married? you've just broke my heart ) would be worried about it but finnaly he will understand.

What do you want to do? talk to him? ask him for some answers? ... or make him pay


The best of lucks Tia

	15-04-2003 05:25									#6
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"To my husband he doesn't see why I need to deal with something that happened 24 years ago, but for me it's now affecting the life I have now. "

Because you're allowing it.

I would say that unless this is a situation where you wronged him, let it be. And even then, think carefully before you act.

Do you even know this guy? You knew him 24 years beforehand in college... but that was literally half his life ago. Now he likely has a wife, children, and a life that is totally different than the one you shared.

As do you.

	15-04-2003 05:39									#7
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Contact him, through written media.
If the business is unfinished, and if it bothers you, you have to finish it. However, avoid phone or RL meetings at all costs, for it is true it may somehow rekindle the old thing. Especially if the old problems are settled.

	15-04-2003 05:56									#8
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After twenty four years the odds are that whatever event occurred then is no longer on his mind. If not forgotten, it is still something of the past for him. To bring it up, just to tell him that he hurt you, won't do him any good, even if it does you good. You might want to try just talking to him, see if he would want to do that. Being able to communicate civilly (sp?) with this individual might help to heal the wound.

	15-04-2003 05:59									#9
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If the statute of limitations hasn't run out yet and you wronged him, don't make contact

	15-04-2003 06:27									#10
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I require more details if I am to give any qualified quality advice...

buuut.... from what you have shared, i might be able to relate. I too had a relationship a while back from which i seek closure. I still know the person quite well, and hope to soon confront her... she broke my heart, and i have suspicions why, but i dont care anymore, i just want closure and assurance. I dont care how or why, i know the relationship is dead, but the negative impact on my life of not knowing has been substancial. I need to know not only for my fragile ego's sake, but so i can finally move on after so long (i still, even after so long, cant help thinking about her).

Kman

	15-04-2003 07:04									#11
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No it's more that we wronged each other with a bad decision, bad timing, bad everything. But we never talked about things.....glossed over them and yes he is married again actually. I do keep in contact with his brother.

It was quite the family type thing you know.....little rich girl goes off to college on music scholarship and meets cute guy in music program who also sings in church so he gets girl to go sing in church which gets her accepted at his home with his parents and friendly with both brothers......basically taking in the girl who is 300 miles away from home at college, that type of thing.

And the only means of possible communication that I was even remotely considering was and e-mail only nothing more.

And sorry Chilean ~ yes I would be recently married, but............a girl can never have enough friends

	15-04-2003 07:14									#12
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I never got closure from such meetings.

I just got re-openings, or at minimum, new temptations which had to be resisted.

I'm with Big Crunch: write him a letter then burn the letter & get on with your life.

	15-04-2003 07:16									#13
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quote: And sorry Chilean ~ yes I would be recently married, but............a girl can never have enough friends

The hope has returned to my life.

	15-04-2003 07:48									#14
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"married again"

Does this mean you and he were married?

	15-04-2003 07:49									#15
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It is obviously killing you, so just do it.

And how do you get to be an Apolyton Legend????

	15-04-2003 08:19									#16
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"Closure" is a word that has no meaning. Get on with your life, you can close this all by yourself.

ACK!

	15-04-2003 09:01									#17
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quote: Originally posted by JohnT "married again" Does this mean you and he were married?

that's what I was about to ask.

Amesjustin: she got the title because she dated another Apolytoner for a while, having met on Apolyton. However, it didn't work... her husband is not the Apolyton guy she dated back then.

	15-04-2003 09:08									#18
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The other Apolytoner was self biased.

	15-04-2003 11:16									#19
	Re: What to do after 24 years? Support Apolyton, buy Alpha Centauri

quote: Originally posted by Tiamat I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects

Imagine his surprise when out of the blue, an old flame from the past sends him an e-mail. He'll probably expect the e-mail to say "hi, how are you doing... how's it going.. remember the good times... blah, blah, blah."

I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from you. I'd love to her from my ex-girlfriend of about 15 years ago telling me once again that I'm an immature jerk (and yes I was, but that was a long time ago).

And this is bound to help you. One e-mail and the thing that has been bugging you for 24 years will disappear.

	15-04-2003 12:32									#20
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quote: Originally posted by Zkribbler I never got closure from such meetings. I just got re-openings, or at minimum, new temptations which had to be resisted. I'm with Big Crunch: write him a letter then burn the letter & get on with your life.

Zkribbler is speaking the truth.


Don't get it twisted.

	15-04-2003 12:44									#21
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One thing to do before you decide: Consider all the major outcomes if you do communicate/meet with him. He may.may not want closure as well. It could open wounds, or rekindle feelings, for him. I would encourage you to think of some worst case scenarios and how you would handle them; as well as the possible ways that he may handle them. Sometimes, no matter how much you want closure, the other person may not be willing to accomodate it, or the situation doesn't yield closure for some other reason.

I hope that it goes well for you, however you decide to handle it.

	15-04-2003 13:56									#22
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To me, the big question is, "why haven't you achieved closure after 24 years?" It seems to me there are two possible answers:
a) I haven't really tried; I've chosen to repress this rather than face it head-on.
b) I've tried, repeatedly, including trying in consultation with a trained professional, and I just haven't been able to do it.

My money is on "a". That's not meant as an insult; I've just seen "a" an awful lot, including in my own life. If I'm right, I'd suggest that there are all sorts of ways to achieve closure without revisiting the past and the people involved; if their weren't, no one would ever be able to get over anyone's death. So I would say, pursue closure, but on your own, drawing on the support of friends, family, and counsellors (therapists, clergy, whatever) to help you out. But this should be something you can do without him.

Now, if your answer is "b", I'm stumped. Sorry.

	15-04-2003 14:27									#23
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I guess you can't give any right or wrong answer to this. Depends.. you must ask yourself can this cause more regrets to you AND the other one, than the regrets you feel now? He might have some regrets too, but then again he might have just forgotten you and never want to see you. I don't know what happened between you, so I don't know. But then again you can't know the risks of the other one getting hurt again or opening old wounds, so you have to risk it either way. It could be great for the both of you. Wraagh! Tough one! Go with instinct! Trust your feelings, don't try to rationalize too much!

	15-04-2003 15:30									#24
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quote: Have you tried writing a letter with all the things you want to say. Formulate your thoughts and feelings on the subject as if you were going to send it. I find the process to be very therapeutic, even though I never actually send the letter to the person I write it to I feel a lot better in myself.

indeed. you may actually realisde at the end of the writing that you no longer need to "close" anything.....

	15-04-2003 17:40									#25
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I can't believe I just glossed over this part on my first reading:

quote: I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

You're going to call up some ex-boyfriend/spouse and start dredging up all the old arguments again?

Mighty selfish of you, Tia.

Man, if somebody did that to me my first and only reply would be "Fvck you" and then I would block all incoming emails from your account. If you open new accounts to send others, I then would use these emails and have you charged with stalking.

	15-04-2003 17:42									#26
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quote: Originally posted by Tuberski "Closure" is a word that has no meaning. Get on with your life, you can close this all by yourself. ACK!

My sentiments exactly. You seem to have a happy marriage with a man you love. That should be closure enough.

	15-04-2003 18:46									#27
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Sometimes you cant have closure because in some situations forcing the issue is not the better alternative.

	15-04-2003 19:02									#28
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The only way to resolve this is in your head. My suspicion is that contacting this guy will at best achieve nothing and may leave you feeling even more unhappy about the past.

I have some unresolved issues with my parents. They are still alive and I see them occasionally but if I were to raise the issues that concern me they would be completely at a loss as to what I was going on about so there is no point. It is something I have to sort out with myself.

It would be better if you can resolve this yourself rather than perhaps looking to someone else for an answer.

	15-04-2003 19:04									#29
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quote: Originally posted by JohnT You're going to call up some ex-boyfriend/spouse and start dredging up all the old arguments again? Mighty selfish of you, Tia. Man, if somebody did that to me my first and only reply would be "Fvck you" and then I would block all incoming emails from your account. If you open new accounts to send others, I then would use these emails and have you charged with stalking.

This dude speak the truth.

Seriously, it sounds like a really bad idea. Leave the guy alone and stop torturing yourself about it.

If he contacts you first, then "**** off" is exactly the right reply to give.

	15-04-2003 20:21									#30
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Let it slide.

What are you trying to find out, and how will it help you?