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Kontiki
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Canada
Aug 2001
time: 00:27
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Alright, certainly not a quote, but a cute joke nonetheless:
Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. Jesus tees off first and slices the ball onto the edge of water hazard. He calmly walks across the water, gets into a good position, and takes his next shot.
Moses tees off next. He too slices the ball, but it goes right into the water. He walks up to the edge, parts the water, and plays his next shot.
The old man tees off last, and he too slices his ball toward the water. However, just as it's about to land, a fish jumps out and swallows the ball. A bird then swoops down, catches the fish and flies over the green, where it drops the fish. The ball pops out and rolls right into the cup.
Jesus says: Dammit dad! Stop screwing around and play golf!
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Boris Godunov
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Portland, OR
Aug 2001
time: 00:27
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Jesus returned home after a journey and was met by his friend Moishe, the cloakmaker. Moishe says, "Jesus, your robe is sure taking a beating. Let me make you a new one."
"That is very kind of you," Jesus replies.
Moishe makes a beautiful robe, and Jesus wears it the following week. By the end of the week his robe looks very ragged; Moishe again offers to make another one. But the next week, Jesus returned with his robe looking ragged once more. Moishe says, "Look, I don't mind making robes for you, but I would like for you to help me out. After all, we're both men of the cloth, so to speak."
"What do you have in mind?" asks Jesus.
"I'd like for you to promote my robes when you speak to these large multitudes," says Moishe. "That way I can cover my costs for these robes I'm making for you. We could even go into business together. How about 'Moishe and Jesus' for a business name?"
Jesus furrows his brow briefly and offers, "How about 'Jesus and Moishe?"
They discuss the merits and benefits each would bring to the business for several hours. For several hours, it goes back and forth: "Moiseh and Jesus, Jesus and Moishe, Moishe and Jesus..."
Finally, Moishe says: "I got it! How about 'Lord and Tailor'?"
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Boris Godunov
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Portland, OR
Aug 2001
time: 00:27
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Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."
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HolyWarrior
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The Far Side had some of the best religious humor
 Attachment: fs-godchicken.jpg
This has been downloaded 90 time(s).
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HolyWarrior
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This explains a lot:
Attachment: farside-godj.jpg
This has been downloaded 89 time(s).
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yavoon
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obiwan I'm all for cute quotes but how do aetheists talk more about god than preachers?
I mean really.
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Giant_Squid
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Fun Guy from Yuggoth
Jan 1970
time: 00:27
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“The greatest spiritual truths, with the greatest ability to transform our lives, are often the ones that look superficially like the twisted and sick rantings of a permanently-adolescent mental inadequate.”
-Pastor N. Pizzor
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a religion and he'll starve to death praying for a fish."
"God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal."
Samuel Butler
"One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great; we are going to be rich!" But it turned out to be something completely different." -Jack Handey
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
-Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
"And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
They replied,"You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."
And Jesus replied, "What?""
"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!" - Jack Handey
"As God once said, and I think rightly..."
Margaret Thatcher.
"A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it."
"Let's hope God grades on a curve."
"The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved exclusively for them that believe in it. Further, the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them that believe in it on the supposition that they'll go there if they don't."
-Principia Discordia
"Jesus saves...but Satan invests in Microsoft stock"
"No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you,
Hobbes, it's a lousy way to run a universe."
-Calvin & Hobbes comic
"Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!!!"
"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love, one another."
Jonathan Swift
"My atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the Universe and denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image to be servants of their human interests." - George Santayana
"There's a seeker born every minute" - some New Age group's slogan
And my personal cosmology...
"The Universe is but a screen-saver, waiting for God to twitch." -- Paul Eric Lagace
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yavoon
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hrrm while its true that religious threads get large very frequently, I'm around a whole lot of aetheists and god almost never comes up. unless its preceeding damn.
it just seems like a reach to me.
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yavoon
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I've also never seen a room of aetheists have any prolonged discussion about/regarding or concerning god. there is by near necessity atleast one religious person present or the conversation just dies and changes.
while I hardly think it is the same the other way around.
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Ben Kenobi
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McGregornobi!
Oct 2002
time: 21:27
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I'm not sure of the context of the quote, which would clarify your point.
Also, Christians will talk to God, and give praise to God, we really don't spend lots of time discussing the specifics, beyond the Trinity, and God's omnipotence. These things are in Theology, and generally accessable to Christians curious as to these points.
In an ordinary sermon, you will hear more about how to apply the word of God to your life, more than a proof of God's omnipotence.
Last edited by Ben Kenobi on 01-05-2003 at 09:59
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Bosh
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Taehan Mingook
Jan 1970
time: 00:27
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"The damned whore, Reason."
Martin Luther
"What shall we Christians do now with this depraved and damned people of the Jews? ... I will give my faithful advice: First, that one should set fire to their synagogues. . . . Then that one should also break down and destroy their houses. . . . That one should drive them out the country."
Martin Luther
"Reason should be destroyed in all Christians."
Martin Luther
"Reason is the Devil's greatest whore; by nature and manner of being she is a noxious whore; she is a prostitute, the Devil's appointed whore; whore
eaten by scab and leprosy who ought to be trodden under foot and destroyed, she and her wisdom ... Throw dung in her face to make her ugly. She is and
she ought to be drowned in baptism... She would deserve, the wretch, to be banished to the filthiest place in the house, to the closets."
Martin Luther
"Even though they grow weary and wear themselves out with child-bearing, it does not matter; let them go on bearing children till they die, that is what they are there for."
Martin Luther
"The word and works of God is quite clear, that
women were made either to be wives or prostitutes."
Martin Luther
"God does not work salvation for ficticious sinners. Be a sinner and sin vigorously.... Do not for a moment imagine that this life is the abiding place of justice; sin must be committed."
Martin Luther
"An eartly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects."
Martin Luther
"As to the common people, ... one has to be hard with them and see that they do their work and that under the threat of the sword and the law they comply with the observance of piety, just as you chain up wild beasts."
Martin Luther
"I should have no compassion on these witches; I should burn them all."
Martin Luther
"In many countries there are particular places to which devils more especially resort. In Prussia there is an infinite number of evil spirits."
Martin Luther
"I maintain that some Jew wrote it [the Epistle of James] who probably heard about Christian people but never encountered any."
Martin Luther
"Heretics are not to be disputed with, but to be condemned unheard, and whilst they perish by fire, the faithful ought to pursue the evil to its source, and bathe their heads in the blood of the Catholic bishops, and of the Pope, who is the devil in disguise."
Martin Luther
"If I had to baptise a Jew, I would take him to the bridge of the Elbe, hang a stone around his neck and push him over with the words 'I baptise thee in the name of Abraham'."
Martin Luther
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yavoon
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xtians never discuss the nature of god? just get right onto the praying?
interesting.
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Boris Godunov
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Portland, OR
Aug 2001
time: 00:27
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Two elderly Jews were walking past a Catholic church when they noticed a sign outside that read: "Convert to Catholicism and We Will Give You $100!" The two Jewish men were taken aback, and wondered if it were a joke. The first finally decides to go in and do it. His friend tries to dissuade him, but the man is resolved, reasoning: "Hey, $100 is $100. What could it hurt?"
About 15 minutes later, the first man comes back out of the church. His friend asks him if he did it, and the man responds "Yes, I did."
"Well," says the second Jew, "Did you get the $100?"
"Is money all you people ever think about?" responds the man.
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30-04-2003 03:27
Very clever slowwy.
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