14-05-2003 17:39									#1
	The Recycling Tanks Support Apolyton, buy Call to Power 2

This thread is for putting funny things in. All humourous pictures, links, stories, jokes, drunken ramblings etc will be accepted by the Special Commission for Humour. Also open for any other kind of rubbish that people might want to post. Who knows, this is a private forum moderated by Voltaire, so maybe he'll let us post p0rn and \/\/@R3z, not that the Party knows anything about that, but there are benefits to being a member of the Peoples' Advisory Council... BLACKMARKET GOODS and CORRUPTION.

Yummy

Also we need to nominate a "Hive Babe of the Month" who will be featured in PRAVDA on page 3.

-Comrade Jam

	14-05-2003 20:20									#2
	Remove this text

In Soviet army a soldier sneezes during the roll call.
"Who sneezed? asks the commander.
No one answers. Therefore the commander says:
"Shoot the first row!" First row falls down dead.
"Who sneezed?" asks the commander again.
Again no one answers.
"Shoot the scond row!" Second row falls down dead.
"Who sneezed?"
The soldier is no longer able to resist and says:
"Me."
The commander answers:
"Bless you!"

-Jam

	14-05-2003 20:21									#3
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Once upon a time Brezhnev says during a press conference:
"Comrades journalists, I must tell you, these time-zones, these are a global problem. Recently, I wanted to talk to Indira about the uprisings in East India. I called her and, what the hell, she was in the bath... A blunder, really. And another one: I'm returning from lunch and say to myself: Call Ronald and settle that rocket stuff. But it was half past five in the morning in America and he was asleep. He was so upset that I rather didn't mention the rockets. Or I called the Pope in Rome to ask how did he feel, an hour after the assassination attempt. And it was only an hour before it....."

-Jam

	14-05-2003 20:22									#4
	Support Apolyton, buy Galactic Civilizations

This is a good 'un

Little John comes home from is first day of school.
"So what was it like?" asks his father.
"Fine," admits the pupil, "I understood everything the teacher had said. But still I don't get what is that socialism. Could you explain it to me, dad?"
"Humanely? For you to understand? So, look: Once there was a big man, well, in fact, he was rather short than big and his name was Lenin. Originally his name wasn't Lenin, but Uljanov. And this Uljanov had a friend, actually he wasn't his friend, he was a scoundrel and is name was Stalin. Well, I say Stalin, but his name was Dzugashvili. And these two friends made the October Revolution. Actually, it wasn't a real revolution, it was a putsch and it wasn't in October but in November...."
Little Johnie shakes his head and says:
"Jesus, that's a right mess!!!"
"Great," says his father, "so you got it."

-Jam

	14-05-2003 20:30									#5
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Russian Trains

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.

Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it."

Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it."

Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.

Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.

"Now. I tell you the train is moving."

-Jam

	14-05-2003 20:38									#6
	Remove this text

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

-Jam

	15-05-2003 01:16									#7
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A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."

	15-05-2003 01:26									#8
	Put an end to popups!

A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook.
"Do you have sausage?"
"No."
He makes a note.
"Bread?"
"No."
He makes another note.

"20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line.

"No bullets either," he writes.

	15-05-2003 03:48									#9
	Put an end to popups!

Some of you may have seen this. I also have an extra entry for Enron once I've found it.

FEUDALISM
=========
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
==============
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take
care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
======================
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
=======
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you
to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
==============
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
=================
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
===================
You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
============
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
==============
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
========================
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
===========
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it
pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one,
milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing
cows.
PURE ANARCHY
============
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
===============================
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
==========
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.

	15-05-2003 14:17									#10
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization: The Boardgame

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

	15-05-2003 14:23									#11
	Remove this text

Now that I like

-Jam

	15-05-2003 14:48									#12
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Hive probe teams have finally returned with our first confirmed intelligence on the Pirates. They will be dangerous foes indeed.

	15-05-2003 15:06									#13
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Look out for the Fusion Carrot Busters growing in the box ?!?!?

-Jam

	15-05-2003 23:55									#14
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quote: Originally posted by War of Art Look out for the Fusion Carrot Busters growing in the box ?!?!?

No, no, Bugs is teaching the Pirates how to exploit a nutrient resource.

	17-05-2003 20:39									#15
	Remove this text

What do you get when you cross the head of the Hive secret police and Tiger Woods?

Someone who plays golf whenever they want!

or

Someone who wins a game of golf by shooting everyone!

or

The perfect golfer, ruined by the capitalist marketeering and inferior golf skills of Tiger Woods!

or

Someone who endorses sweat-shop labour and then shoots everyone!

or

Someone who says "pass me my nine iron" but instead of actually playing golf just shoots everyone!

(I made them up, they're barely jokes they're so terrible)

Last edited by Gnool on 17-05-2003 at 20:47

	18-05-2003 00:58									#16
	Support Apolyton or Terrorists Win

Keep them coming! I it.

	18-05-2003 06:01									#17
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Back in 1970 a low-level Soviet factory manager had acquired enough money to get a Trabant. Excitedly, he walked to the showroom and arranged to purchase the state of the art in Soviet personal transportation.

The manager of the dealership greeted him. "Greetings, comrade. How may I helpd you?"

The customer proudly stated, "I have come to purchase the Trabant."

"Certainly, comrade," said the salesman "You can have the next one that comes-in from the factory. It will be black."

The customer is pleased. "That will be excellent, comrade."

"I must warn you that we do not expect the car to be here for some time," The salesman said.

The customer expected this and asked "When will the car arrive?"

"Why don't you come back this same day in 1980 and we'll see." The salesman was a little worried now.

The customer thought for a minute and said "Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?"

The salesman was puzzled. "Why do you want to know that, comrade?"

The customer replied, "Well, I've got a doctor's appointment..."

	18-05-2003 14:03									#18
	Support Apolyton, buy Civilization 2

Good one!
(although I have to add: Trabant was the Eastern German car, Soviets didn´t use them. They had Volga and Moskvitch )

	18-05-2003 14:42									#19
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Go Trabi !

-Jam

	18-05-2003 15:18									#20
	Support Apolyton, buy Call to Power 2

I'll have to think of something.

	19-05-2003 23:58									#21
	Put an end to popups!

Kruschev was busy denouncing Stalin at a public meeting when a voice shouted out, "If you feel this way now, why didn't you say so then?''

To which the Soviet leader thundered, "Who said that?''

There was a long and petrified silence which Kruschev finally broke. "Now you know why.''

	20-05-2003 02:41									#22
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Classic

-Jam

	20-05-2003 05:55									#23
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awesome....and true AFAIK! :bL

	20-05-2003 07:17									#24
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A Major, an Air Marshall and a Comissar were standing at the command tent when the Major said, "My soldiers are brave and will advance against constant gun fire and shelling to capture crucial fortification at any costs." The Air Marshall said, "That is nothing. My pilots will fly in the thick of machinegun and flak fire to bomb enemy artillery batteries and airfields in broad daylight.

The Comissar was silent throughout the discussion but he called a Corporal to come in. The corporal was terrified and sweating badly. The Comissar said, "Corporal, I want to you go alone behind enemy lines, past the ruins full of snipers and take out the enemy command post." The corporal was now even more scared and starting to shake as he said, "I refuse to, Comissar". The Comissar sneered, "Now that is bravery."

	20-05-2003 08:54									#25
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*Lenin walks into the room*

TEST!!!!

*Lenin walks out*

	20-05-2003 23:33									#26
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Is Comrade Tassadar going into every room and shouting 'test'?

	21-05-2003 11:37									#27
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A University scientist and a Hive trainer where in a field with their dogs. The university said, "Our dogs are very intelligent we use genetically engineered dogs and trained them with our special technique to obey complex commands and perform intelligent tasks."
"Fido, use the nanomachines to make an impact rifle and a silksteel personal armour."

Fido walks up to the seal crate of nanomachines, uses the laser mounted on Fido's vest and cut open a hole in the crate to extract the nanomachine canisters. Fido then pressed a button on his chest and barked twice. The nanomachines became active and created an impact rifle and a silksteel armour.

The Hive trainer says, "Impressive, but our dogs are smarter." He whispered to his dog and the dog walked up to Fido and they stared eached for a long while before Fido walked back with the Hive dog and sat next to the Hiver trainer.

The University scientist tried to call Fido back but the dog refused to obey. The scientist said, "What did you do to my dog?". The Hive trainer said, "I told my dog, if you do not persuade Fido to change allegiance, you'll be dinner next."

	21-05-2003 17:36									#28
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I thought we ate all the dogs already Whatever, that hamster mince was really good last night.....

....what do you mean we didn't bring any hamsters from the Unity??

-Jam

	21-05-2003 23:43									#29
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quote: Originally posted by Jamski I thought we ate all the dogs already Whatever, that hamster mince was really good last night..... ....what do you mean we didn't bring any hamsters from the Unity?? -Jam

No, those were lab rats we swiped from the University.

	21-05-2003 23:51									#30
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* Jamski feels rather queasy

-Jam