23-06-2003 01:30									#1
	Sometimes people can be cruel. Suffering from ads?

This late July, it will have been two years since my ex-boyfriend killed himself while I was in Ecuador, after I broke up with him over the phone. Instead of the details again, I will just remind you that he felt there was something wrong over the e-mails and phone calls, so I thought I could not lie to him until I got back home. So without knowing he was manic-depressive, I made the painful decision to break up with him over the phone. I found out about his suicide a few days after he killed himself, while I was still living in Ecuador. Then I had my emotional breakdown, and went through the long grieving process.

The past couple of years, I was always reminded of the pain I went through, when some occassional, cruel person calls me a coward and instead of listening to me about what really happened, he believes in the rumors -- that I just dumped him without any second thought, and that I was a coward, and so on.

Well, when I thought I was finally done getting such cruelty, I got another such reminder from another jerk who doesn't know sh*t about something that he was never involved in -- just today. This is in addition to already not feeling great about myself lately.

The past week or so, I have been feeling somewhat lonely and depressed.

This is in spite of the good, platonic friends that I hang out with, and whom I can rely on.

In spite of my excellent undergraduate accomplishments.

In spite of an internship and a good graduate school waiting for me this fall.

In spite of the good sex I have had with attractive guys the past year.

I guess it's because the past year, I have not been able to find someone whom I was interested in, who was interested in dating. Of course, there are a couple of guys interested in dating me that I'm not interested in, but I don't want to talk about them.

I am feeling lonely and depressed I guess, when I look back the past year, and realized I have not had any dates -- just tricks. I wanted to find someone the past year, but to no avail. It might be paranoia, but me thinks I haven't found someone here because of the local rumors. I don't know.

Maybe I will feel better later tonight after having spilled my guts to a friend, and on here.

	23-06-2003 01:32									#2
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Hey you could try to date me.... if you are looking for a challenge... heh heh.

	23-06-2003 01:39									#3
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at least you have friends where you are. all my friends live in the bay area, and im up here in washington. also my computer broke down and i cant produce music right now. also im broke and might be overdrawn on my bank account. did i mention that im unemployed and that i dont have a vehicle because it broke down, and i have a speeding ticket to pay off.

	23-06-2003 01:44									#4
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quote: Originally posted by MRT144 at least you have friends where you are. all my friends live in the bay area, and im up here in washington. also my computer broke down and i cant produce music right now. also im broke and might be overdrawn on my bank account. did i mention that im unemployed and that i dont have a vehicle because it broke down, and i have a speeding ticket to pay off.

But is it fair to compare your problems with mine?

Sorry to hear about your situation, though.

	23-06-2003 01:47									#5
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Your priorities seem mixed to me, MrFun, this is probably why you are depressed, or occassionaly get depressed.

	23-06-2003 02:00									#6
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not really, but i need a soapbox to ***** on right now. and i need a friend to hug me too.

	23-06-2003 02:23									#7
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Ouch. =/

	23-06-2003 02:30									#8
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It takes a lot longer for some people to grieve than others - it depends on the circumstances of the bereavement.

The problem here is with people getting you down. Fvck what they think, only you are in a position to judge your actions.

Sure, maybe you could have done things different, and maybe things would have turned out different - or maybe they would have turned out EXACTLY the same.

As for finding the right person to bond with, I guess everyone with any kind of insight rejects most choices right away.

I know I do. I'm a fussy bastard.

Good luck with the financial hardship, MRT. I've been broke for so long it's hard to remeber what cash in the wallet feels like.

	23-06-2003 03:16									#9
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MrFun, sorry to hear that. Sounds tough thing to deal with.

I was having some lesser problems but they seemed too big to overcome too. I tried to rationalise it, I tried to imagine something else happened, I tried to forget about it etc. But the only thing that truly helped was to get a vacation, alone, and just be with myself. Not judging myself at all, just forcing myself to think about the good things and start liking myself. It helped a lot and I came back as a new man. So what am I saying?
Try a nice vacation with not too much action. Take a long walk or something. Be alone, but don't be feeling alone.
Try something new.. something that cheers you up.
If you feel bad, forget about everyone else and start focusing on yourself. I'm not expert, but it helped me, it might help you too, you never know..

And don't worry, I've spilled my guts few times here also and I always feel ashamed and stupid few minutes after I hit the 'submit' button.

	23-06-2003 03:22									#10
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And this too, shall pass.

	23-06-2003 03:33									#11
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So this talk of people can be cruel, is in reference to your using the phone to do your dirty work ?
I agree. People can be cruel.

	23-06-2003 04:03									#12
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quote: Originally posted by MRT144 not really, but i need a soapbox to ***** on right now. and i need a friend to hug me too.

Well, you probably won't have any problems making new friends where you're at.


And SlowwHand, I didn't realize you hated me so much. You know what I meant by people being cruel, and you read the reasons why I did what I did.

	23-06-2003 04:08									#13
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quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand So this talk of people can be cruel, is in reference to your using the phone to do your dirty work ? I agree. People can be cruel.

Wow, you are a bastard.

	23-06-2003 04:12									#14
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I wanted to spill my guts in the hopes of feeling better -- I guess Slowwhand wants me to feel miserable.

	23-06-2003 04:14									#15
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That read a lot worse than intended.

True, I wanted to ask if you thought breaking up over the phone was cruel, but in a seperate statement, I say that yes, people are cruel many times.

That still is sounding lumped together, but it's not.
And I may be a bastard, but I don't hate you.

	23-06-2003 04:17									#16
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We're not dumb, we know what you meant. One doesn't use the phrase "dirty work" like that and not mean it.

I suggest you review the Christian doctrine you profess to follow a bit more closely. Your comment was sick and about as cruel as it gets.

Yet another for ignore.

	23-06-2003 04:19									#17
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quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand True, I wanted to ask if you thought breaking up over the phone was cruel

Stringing the relationship along for a while, when you know you want out, sounds just as cruel to me. It clearly was a pretty crappy situation for everyone involved.

Besides, gently breaking up with someone over the phone isn't as cruel as taunting somebody who may have unwittingly contributed to the suicide of a loved one.

And doing said taunting over the internet, instead of face to face, is pretty cowardly too.

	23-06-2003 04:20									#18
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Whatever, Boris. I honestly wish you would put me on ignore.
I'm not talking to your dumb ass.
Breaking up is dirty work, and if you don't think so that says much more in the negative about you than me.

	23-06-2003 04:26									#19
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Mr. Fun,

Your friend killed himself for his own reasons. There is no way it could be your fault. As for your inability recently to get into a relationship, I get the feeling that you are a moving target (ie changing). That makes it difficult for anyone to decide whether or not you are meant to be together, including yourself. Work on paying closer attention to yourself, specifically work on choking down your prejudices and other people's remnant voices in your head, and instead let gravity / chance / your own innate desires make your choices for you. See what happens from there, ie are you making different choices, and if so, are you enjoying them.

	23-06-2003 04:28									#20
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Boris, come on.. sometimes people say something they don't truly mean. Especially on the internet, where you don't have to face someone, so you might be quicker to say something, and later notice when you read the post again that it wasn't supposed to come out like that.

It is kind of cruel to break up with someone over the phone for sure. But of course it can not be compared to what happened, and that it was some how someones fault to begin with. I'm not trying to defend anyone here, all I'm saying is that sometimes people say something and it comes out stronger than they meant.. it happens all the time.

	23-06-2003 04:35									#21
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Inflection of voice is sorely missed in the written word.

Having to break up, is going to be a bad deal. Period.
Doing it by phone, damn. This is where I'll bog again.
Breaking up my phone, is less kind than many other ways one might do the deed.
That in no way infers that you should be capable of foreseeing the sequence of events as they would unfold.

Is that any more clear, and/or am I still a bastard?

	23-06-2003 04:52									#22
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quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand Inflection of voice is sorely missed in the written word. Having to break up, is going to be a bad deal. Period. Doing it by phone, damn. This is where I'll bog again. Breaking up my phone, is less kind than many other ways one might do the deed. That in no way infers that you should be capable of foreseeing the sequence of events as they would unfold. Is that any more clear, and/or am I still a bastard?

I don't need to be tortured by thinking of the different ways I could have done it -- don't you think I did enough of that the past two years and then getting counseling?
I contemplated (AT THE TIME) until waiting to get back home to break up with him in person -- DUH. But he already sensed something was wrong from the e-mails and other phone calls.

And I don't think you were with me in Ecuador on the day I found out about the suicide, and then suffering an emotional breakdown.

And I know that Mark did not kill himself only because I broke up with him -- he was unstable, and I never realized it.

	23-06-2003 05:16									#23
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Mr. Fun. You take things way too personally. Perhaps this is one of the sources of your depression and inability to stay with someone. He committed suicide for his own reasons. Perhaps it's time for you to move beyond thinking it was your fault and get on with your life. Yeah, I have heard the "get on with your life" line before and at the time it sounded cruel and cold. But in the end, you either have to or let his death define you for the rest of your life.

As for you being mad at Sloww for pointing out certain things, I would ask what did you really expect. Breaking up over the phone is not the best way to end a relationship. I have done it and had it done to me before and it is extremely cold and impersonal. Was it better than letting it drag on and on? That's a question I can't answer because I don't know all the circumstances. But don't get mad at Sloww for him simply pointing out a fact. Maybe it wasn't the most tactfull thing to say but sometimes tact gets in the way of getting to the heart of the matter.

	23-06-2003 06:57									#24
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quote: Originally posted by Sprayber Mr. Fun. You take things way too personally. Perhaps this is one of the sources of your depression and inability to stay with someone. He committed suicide for his own reasons. Perhaps it's time for you to move beyond thinking it was your fault and get on with your life. Yeah, I have heard the "get on with your life" line before and at the time it sounded cruel and cold. But in the end, you either have to or let his death define you for the rest of your life. As for you being mad at Sloww for pointing out certain things, I would ask what did you really expect. Breaking up over the phone is not the best way to end a relationship. I have done it and had it done to me before and it is extremely cold and impersonal. Was it better than letting it drag on and on? That's a question I can't answer because I don't know all the circumstances. But don't get mad at Sloww for him simply pointing out a fact. Maybe it wasn't the most tactfull thing to say but sometimes tact gets in the way of getting to the heart of the matter.

One, I have realized that he killed himself for other reasons.

Two, I don't think I was looking for criticism or "facts" when I spilled my guts today. I was looking for a way to get this off my chest.

Maybe I should have lied to Mark until I got back home and then he would have kept going crazy wondering what the f**k was wrong, that I did not want to talk about.

I do not regret breaking up with him -- I regret how I did it, and that he killed himself.

	23-06-2003 07:27									#25
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I dont' know what to tell you. I hope you can come to terms with it in such a way that you can get on with living. It's not easy but it has to be done..

	23-06-2003 08:45									#26
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This thread illustrates an interesting difference between how men and women communicate.

Often, when women talk, they just want a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to lean on. A lot of men don't realise that.

Today, MrFun communicated in a feminine mode, though some male posters responded predictably in a masculine way.

	23-06-2003 09:34									#27
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Mr. Fun:

Sorry to hear about the suicide.

Now, I agree with slowwhand, there are better ways to break up with someone than to do so over the phone.

However, why do you blame yourself for his suicide? Other people have breakups, and don't choose to commit suicide, so there must have been something else involved, perhaps his bipolar disorder.

Have you gone into counselling? That would be the first thing I would do if this happened to me. These people are professionals and should be able to offer you a way to deal with these feelings.

Secondly, if you need a target to rant, I don't mind. Forget all these people who said that you should be getting over your feelings, by now let it out! It's got to happen sometime.

	23-06-2003 21:10									#28
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Mr.Fun I hate to say it... wait I enjoy saying it... you reap what you soe.

Causing someone your involved with to kill themselves... I have no sympathy for that... since you were going out with him it was your responsibility to know him well enough... Your a callus fake human being... and you are going to pay for that.... depression in this case is deserved... but only depression... no death... you need to live the rest of your life reminded of this...


FYI,
I'm only cruel because I see other people be cruel to each other (and when death is involved it only makes the fire burn hotter)...

	23-06-2003 21:15									#29
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MrFun didn't cause it.
His ex was weak-minded.
Very seldom is suicide a legitimate escape, but do to so over someone breaking up with you is just, well, leave it at weak.

	23-06-2003 21:18									#30
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So you think weak minded people deserve to die, that's what you said...?