03-07-2003 19:27									#1
	Let's make an awful battle doctrine! Inflate your Upload Space

Blitzkrieg is well known as being an excellent doctrine for modern warfare and most modern doctrine such as the US Army's airland is some variation on it. So I propose we do the opposite of it and create god awful horrible doctrine, which can ensure defeat no matter how ludicrous a forces firepower is.

Now what are peoples ideas for awful tactics like follow the plan to the letter, hit the enemy at its strongest point ect…


I'll go first:

1. Equip non-commissioned officers only with pistols. Privates will recieve pump action shotguns; every third private will be given a burlap sack full of grenades in lieu of firearms. Equip officers only with ceremonial sabers.

2. Standard uniforms will be fire engine red; officers' uniforms will be the same, but with gold braid and trim and plumed hats.

3. Troops will be trained not to take cover, because it is unmanly.

	03-07-2003 19:30									#2
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1. Troops will not be equipped with anything, except for a toothpick and a dead wasp

2. They will have to run everywhere - walking only wastes time

	03-07-2003 19:33									#3
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4. Combat actions will only take place from 9am-5pm local time, which a 30 minute lunch from 1pm-1:30pm where troops must stop fighting no matter what is going on. Additionally there will be no fighting on weekends or Federal Holidays.

5. Airpower is overrated, and no vehicles that fly (fixed-wing, hover, rotary, drones, or any hybrid) will be used.

6. We must always give the enemy two weeks notice before undertaking any type of action. This notice will consist of detailed battle plans.

	03-07-2003 19:38									#4
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7. Intelligence is dishonorable, so any attempts at using covert operatives, scouts, or any type of recon is forbidden.

8. Reinforcements aren't fair to the enemy, so we will not bring in fresh troops till all of the original ones are dead.

	03-07-2003 19:45									#5
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infantry from both sides will line up across from each other and then fire two volleys blindfolded, if someone manages to kill another person they will be charged with crimes against humanity and be forced to live in Madagascar the rest of his/her life.

	03-07-2003 20:18									#6
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Hand thrown grenades should have 10kt nuclear warheads

	03-07-2003 20:23									#7
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During covert ops, soldiers should send messages to one another by SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY.

	03-07-2003 20:24									#8
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Given how effectivwe the Hulk was I suggest exposing all of our troops to the same weapon

	03-07-2003 20:27									#9
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BTW, I once read in a book that in some sea battles of the 17th or 18th century British admirals had to follow some strange rules. For example when they had more ships than the enemy they sometimes took some out of the battle line until both sides had equal numbers. Is that true?

	03-07-2003 20:30									#10
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Knowing us Brits, it's quite possibly true.

	03-07-2003 20:32									#11
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You guys had no such limitations when you chased down the Constitution and Essex

	03-07-2003 20:35									#12
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You'll have to fill me in on the details, because I have no idea what you're referring to.

	03-07-2003 20:48									#13
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9. Infantry will always march in large Pulks of Companysize or larger towards the enemy. The Soldiers aren´t allowed to leave the formation or run towards the enemy, because it wouldn´t look nice and is also unmanly

	03-07-2003 20:49									#14
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Early in the war of 1812, a 5 ship RN squadron tried to run down the Constitution. She escaped, barely.

Later in the war, as American Frigates were generally taking names and kicking ass, the RN issued an order to the effect :"Do not engage American '42s with less than squadron strength."

The Essex (which had captured/sunk/attacked dozens of British ships) was cornered in Chile by 3 British warships, two frigates and a schooner.

The Essex managed to take out the schooner before it was battered to all Hell and gone.

	03-07-2003 21:09									#15
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Before each battle, last-minute training will take place to ensure battle readiness.

This will consist of splitting the army into two halves, designating the second half "the enemy", and having them dress in uniforms identical to the genuine enemy and approaching from their direction, using live ammo of course.

	03-07-2003 21:12									#16
	Re: Let's make an awful battle doctrine! Support Apolyton

quote: Originally posted by Lonestar 2. Standard uniforms will be fire engine red; officers' uniforms will be the same, but with gold braid and trim and plumed hats. 3. Troops will be trained not to take cover, because it is unmanly.

Weren't these standards for the British army in the mid 1700's?

	03-07-2003 21:37									#17
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10. All orders will be issued in Latin, since they are so holy, that it is not up to the troops to actually know what their orders where.

11. Soldiers can only drink water every two days, and eat every 5 days. the acts of ingestion might allow evil spirits to enter, so food and water intake must be limited. this is doubly true when the army is forced to march over 10 miles a day.

12. All soldrers must cut off their left hands at the wrist, to insure the sinister is kept to a minimum.

13. When a soldier is deemed a veteran, his right eye will be pucked out, so that the injury will be a clear status symbol to the enemy that they are facing tought veterans willing to have their eyes plucked out, and thus hopefully force them to flee in terror.

	04-07-2003 00:04									#18
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14. Troops shall be organised in groups of 25 men, forming a 5x5 square. To ensure that the square stays a square, troops shall be tightly taped together.

15. Since bullets are messy and dangerous, troops are only to use sharp wit and dry humor in battle.

	04-07-2003 00:10									#19
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16. All soldiers should be Arabs.

	04-07-2003 00:14									#20
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quote: Originally posted by gopher 15. Since bullets are messy and dangerous, troops are only to use sharp wit and dry humor in battle.

Hey, don´t you remember that monthy python thing (forgot the name) about the deadly joke ?!

	04-07-2003 00:51									#21
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Give Rumsfeld an unlimited budget and unchecked authority. Tell him to do whatever he thinks will get the best ratings on Fox.

	04-07-2003 00:58									#22
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17. Soilders MUST whistle at all times

18. $75 Circut City Gift Certificates to the winners, from the losers..

	04-07-2003 01:06									#23
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19. When engaging in battle, soldiers must march in the open toward the enemy, singing boisterous marching songs accompanied by a full fife and drum section. They must stop to fire from no less than 40 yards and no more than sixty yards, and must always stand unless in the front rank because anything less would be unmanly and muss the uniforms. The front rank may kneel when reloading, but only when the second rank is ready and able to fire.

	04-07-2003 01:22									#24
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20. All officers are to be blindfold at all times lest they see something that upsets them.

21. To prevent retreat, all other ranks are to be shot in the ankles.

	04-07-2003 01:35									#25
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quote: Originally posted by The Mad Monk 19. When engaging in battle, soldiers must march in the open toward the enemy, singing boisterous marching songs accompanied by a full fife and drum section. They must stop to fire from no less than 40 yards and no more than sixty yards, and must always stand unless in the front rank because anything less would be unmanly and muss the uniforms. The front rank may kneel when reloading, but only when the second rank is ready and able to fire.

And for centuries, European armies actually did this.

	04-07-2003 01:36									#26
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22. Soldiers must stop to clean their boots at all times, lest they look shamefully dirty during parades.

	04-07-2003 01:37									#27
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23. Rather than giving amphetamines to boost alertness, all soldiers will be given sleeping pills to take before a battle.

	04-07-2003 01:43									#28
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quote: Originally posted by The Mad Monk And for centuries, European armies actually did this.

ACW tactics were radically different?

25. In the unlikely event that prisoners are taken, they are not to be searched for weapons so that they can kill their captors and escape back to their own side.

	04-07-2003 01:44									#29
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This thread is cool

Have to think of something..

	04-07-2003 01:54									#30
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Soldiers will be encouraged to take up addictions to drugs such as pot and heroin. In the middle of battle, as they are pulling the drugs out for another hit, the enemy will ask for some themselves.

All soldiers must pass "reality tests", where they indicate the correct political doctrine and strategy.

Soldiers will have a months ration of chips and soda in their back pack. Due to the weight of this, nonessential things such as weapons and ammunition will be removed.

Also, soldiers will have cell phones and lap tops on and ready for use during battle. If they get a call, they will drop their weapon, hoist up the truce flag, and recieve it.

The truce flag consists of taking off their boots, pants, and running their underwear up on an official, realistic, life-size pole firmly placed in the ground.

Cannons will be used regularly. The cannonballs will be replaced with boxes of small condoms marked "Made in [Enemy Country], Large." (Actually, didn't the USA do something like this in Vietnam?)

On the same line of thought, soldiers will be equipped with a year's worth of pornography magazines in order to replace need for any female. (Females will not be allowed to fight.)

Soldiers will be covered in rubber, in the hopes that bullets will bounce off it.

Soldiers will regularly hold committees and staff meetings on the field of battle to decide how to fight. Generals and officers are merely ceremonial positions that do not hold any real power.

One in three grenades is designed to blow up immediately when you take the pin off.

In interest of history, soldiers of European nations must use archebuques and trebuchets instead of real guns and artillery.

The Australian Supergun will be given to all Australian soldiers, who will not be trained on it at all.

Soldiers will fight for a religious cause that is ambiguous but involves Mr. Peanut and Oprah Winfrey.

All soldiers will use electronics devices powered by Windows where they need an OS.

OSHA will make sure all battlefields are worker-friendly before the battle begins.