19-01-2004 11:05									#61
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Ok, well then.....as someone who is married and has this same problem doing this to my husband......let me let you in on the secret. WE DON'T KNOW!!! The only thing I can equate it to that when I ask for something to be done he usually doesn't do it the right way, or fast enough or the way I would have done it. I really think the later is the case for women.

I think it's that we feel that we are the only ones who are going to do it the right way so we basically set you up for failure because even if you did it the right way we aren't going to think you did and we will still think we could do it better.......hence the irritation because in our minds we've perceived that even though you've done what we asked, it still wasn't done correctly.

It's the old line.......if you want something done right you have to do it yourself and if you and Mrs. Horse have been married for quite sometime she may have gotten in a rut with this perspective and in the end nothing you do is going to be right.

I get irritated with my hubby about this sometimes but sometimes he's just a mindless git. For example for some reason he can't seem to find anything he's looking for even when it's in front of him in the frige or pantry. I think this is an inbred traight in all men.

	19-01-2004 11:10									#62
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When we were first married I would wash the dishes and then I would catch Mrs Horse washing them again because I didn't do a good enough job

	19-01-2004 11:12									#63
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Something else to take into consideration would be is she under any stress or could there be things that she is worried about that she may not be sharing with you. Do you have a sense that things are bothering her or could she be worried or upset about the boys. I tend to get upset with mine because he loves to play WWII online. But when he plays he does it for a minimum of 8 hours or more which as you could imagine becomes a source of irritation because I feel a bit neglected.

You mentioned that you and the boys retreat to your games and toys and "boys den" as it were but she always finds you there. Did it ever occur that maybe she feels left out, like she's the fifth wheel? By your own admission it is very much a blokes house how about finding something for her to share in or cut down on some of the boy time and see if that lets up on some of the irritation. I would bet that she is feeling a bit left out like you do more with the boys then she does. Oh sure she gets to do the laundry, cooking, probably the homework help, and I would imagine does the sick runs to the school when there ill etc.....but in her mind you get to do all the fun stuff and she's has to do all the other mindless crap so consequently she finds things for you to do then picks them apart.

Any of this make sense?

	19-01-2004 11:14									#64
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse Yes some good ideas here. But it only relates to when I'm home - I can go out as much as I like because when I'm out of course my presence doesn't annoy her I knew I was on a downward spiral when I lost control of the TV remote

my sister and her boyfreind have two rooms with TVs

one that she controls (the living room)

one that he and his freinds hang out in (the garage)

Jon Miller

	19-01-2004 11:15									#65
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Yes I think she does feel left out. Now if we could only interest her in Warhammer.....

	19-01-2004 11:18									#66
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That's not to say that what you do being the provider isn't important but if you have a house full of boys and she's the only woman there then she may be feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the testosterone going on there.

I have found that when I'm feeling a bit neglected by my husband I do tend to get a bit more bitc*ier then usual....if that's possible but I also get more nit picky as well and look for things to pick on him about. He usually gets the message and makes some quite time just for us and things tend to get a bit more normal until I feel neglected again.

Do something nice for her......surprise her with something totally unexpected....maybe a little unexpected time with you....or you and the boys or do something that she would like to do.....a movie night at home with her favorite flick or something similar. Doesn't have to be anything huge or super special just a small jester that lets her know you care and are thinking about her and are trying to include her. I would bet it would make a difference.

	19-01-2004 11:19									#67
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Have you tried talking to her, AH??

I mean a real conversation not based on blaming, flaming, or complaining. Listen for the thing not said. Women are not direct like men. She may not even know herself what is bothering her. I bet that whatever has motivated this behavior is not the obvious surface thing she blames it on.

Also, you have a right to feel at home in your house. That she makes you feel this way may be because she is pushing you to be the man. The bossyness may be the result of exhaustion, or a feeling of "I'm tired of being the strong one."

What it sounds like is that your marriage might benifit from the equivalent of a hard drive defrag.

Good luck.

Monk

	19-01-2004 11:20									#68
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And you might have to expect her to refuse at first because she won't be sure where it's coming from but keep at it and she will eventually join in. Just try to make her feel more wanted or included and I think she will let up.

	19-01-2004 11:22									#69
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Mrs Horse doesn't like to be actively managed. Need to be careful about that.

	19-01-2004 11:22									#70
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quote: Originally posted by Bloody Monk Have you tried talking to her, AH?? I mean a real conversation not based on blaming, flaming, or complaining. Listen for the thing not said. Women are not direct like men. She may not even know herself what is bothering her. I bet that whatever has motivated this behavior is not the obvious surface thing she blames it on.

He's right about this conversation will probably open up her flood gates and you will eventually get to the root of the problem. He's also right in that she feels slighted in some way by you and blames you for that. But if you do open up converstation talk sweetly with out blame as he said. Be nice, sweet, get close and really let her know you are interested in what she has to say.

	19-01-2004 11:23									#71
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quote: Originally posted by Tiamat Doesn't have to be anything huge or super special just a small jester that lets her know you care and are thinking about her and are trying to include her.

You're calling Horsie a jester?

	19-01-2004 11:24									#72
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quote: Originally posted by Tiamat That's not to say that what you do being the provider isn't important

Sorry I have to correct you there - Mrs Horse brings home more money than me

	19-01-2004 11:25									#73
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I would never make that presumption. I've been here long enough and read enough of his post to say ............not even on a good day

	19-01-2004 11:26									#74
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse Sorry I have to correct you there - Mrs Horse brings home more money than me

Sorry, ment no offense. Of course I don't know your monetary status but you get the drift.

	19-01-2004 11:38									#75
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quote: Originally posted by Bloody Monk Have you tried talking to her, AH?? I mean a real conversation not based on blaming, flaming, or complaining. Listen for the thing not said. Women are not direct like men. She may not even know herself what is bothering her. I bet that whatever has motivated this behavior is not the obvious surface thing she blames it on. Also, you have a right to feel at home in your house. That she makes you feel this way may be because she is pushing you to be the man. The bossyness may be the result of exhaustion, or a feeling of "I'm tired of being the strong one." What it sounds like is that your marriage might benifit from the equivalent of a hard drive defrag. Good luck. Monk

a. you've taken this thread way too seriously

b. there's no question of who wears the pants in our house - both of us

You basically have 2 very independent and strong willed individuals duking it out every day of the year.

This makes for poor communication but great ........never mind.

	19-01-2004 11:40									#76
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quote: Originally posted by Tiamat For example for some reason he can't seem to find anything he's looking for even when it's in front of him in the frige or pantry. I think this is an inbred traight in all men.

It is. Seriously.
Men's eyes developed for distance vision (being hunters), while females developed much superior peripheral vision.

	19-01-2004 11:47									#77
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse a. you've taken this thread way too seriously

Well, you brought it up.

If you want to dig in your heels, then there is no question, you get to be right...at the price of status quo.

shrugs

Monk

	19-01-2004 11:52									#78
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Interestingly on another level Mrs horse and I think the same thoughts at the same time, which is spooky.

It was mainly your "talking" suggestion which I rejected - I refuse to turn my marriage into an episode of Oprah.

	19-01-2004 11:53									#79
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse Interestingly on another level Mrs horse and I think the same thoughts at the same time, which is spooky. It was mainly your "talking" suggestion which I rejected - I refuse to turn my marriage into an episode of Oprah.

Maybe it would help to change the frame of reference. How about having a negotiation??

Monk

	19-01-2004 11:55									#80
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Negotiation? As any married man will tell you, even when you win, you lose.

	19-01-2004 11:57									#81
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse This makes for poor communication but great ........never mind.

You know we have the same problem......both very strong willed but it does make for great......well you know

	19-01-2004 11:59									#82
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I think the feeling left out insight is the best one.

	19-01-2004 12:02									#83
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse Negotiation? As any married man will tell you, even when you win, you lose.

Well, AH, the point of this negotiation is not to win, per se, but to change the current situation.

You have to decide what you want. If you really want this situation to change then you have to DO something, even something as distasteful as "talking."

Monk

	19-01-2004 12:15									#84
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I see what the problem is now - thanks.

	19-01-2004 12:37									#85
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse You can laugh now Skanky but I think many women have a nagging harpie lurking deep in their pysch somewhere. It has something to do with the nesting instinct I suspect.

I'm watching this very thing happening before my eyes. Things have only recently turned serious with the girl I'm seeing and I can see her already moving in to sort out her nesting sites in my place. She is looking for a place closer to me and my friends are already starting to make whipped comments and using the vile word of domestication on me.

Apparently im well on my way to becomming another victim of domestication.

	19-01-2004 12:39									#86
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don't sweat it - beasts of burden seem happy enough.

	19-01-2004 12:40									#87
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quote: Originally posted by Alexander's Horse Any of you married/long relationship guys had this problem? Do you have a partner who feels it is her role in life to find things for you to do when you are at home? Do you feel like you are being watched? Any suggestions on how to outwit the surveillance? Close supervision can sure suck all the fun out of your weekend

You disappoint me AH. You're a civil servant. You're supposed to know how to avoid work. Not only that, aren't you some type of fit-it-up manager.

What you should be doing is grabbing a beer, sitting done in a comfortable chair and then get your boys to do the work.

And you can tell I don't have kids.

	19-01-2004 12:41									#88
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quote: Originally posted by Ben Kenobi Did that once with a date, took her to see the horses, because I had to get everything done before we could take off for the night. She could not even stand to watch me tromp through the manure.

You really know how to show women a good time. Did you take her to McDees after.

	19-01-2004 12:41									#89
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Yeah, I don't mind it at all with her for some reason. I've given my married friends hell for the past few years and now I'm ready to get mine.

	19-01-2004 12:45									#90
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I think it's love coming out in annoying ways.