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shawnmmcc
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Guynemer, my wife has two masters degrees in mental health, and is getting her doctorate, hopefully. This is not advice on what to do (not being a counselor) but cautions on getting a counselor. My wife and I have been through counseling more than once in the past, here is some advice.
When you choose a counselor, you are going to be INTIMATE with them, not in any sexual sense, but even closer, you will have to share and work through things at least one of you have not shared with the other. There are three dangerous types of counselors out there.
1) Incompetence. Dangerous, coming in multiple flavors. If you really listen closely, you will figure it out in two-three visits.
2) Adequate. Damn it, when my life is in shambles I want someone who is more than competent. I want good!
3) Bad fit. You're being intimate. The mental health types don't like to admit it, but sometimes the values/world views/etc. don't just work. The most competent fundie pastoral counselor is going to have more than a tough time counseling a gay couple.
4) Good-Excellent. What you want. Try word of mouth, recommendations, etc. If you are in Columbus, OH please leave me a PM. My wife went to OU and we had one of our best counselors there. He may not be practicing anymore, but at least we could get a recommendation.
Good luck, and God bless. Remember (this from the guy who got handed co-dependency literature from the incompetent counselor who didn't get the following point) there is a fine line between being a devoted finacee and co-dependent, and it is painfully easy to switch over the line. Also, reference your finacee (to borrow an example from a person who had fought with depression whom I spoke to once), think of her as in a rocky hole. Whether it's drugs, counseling, or you, all any of those can do is offer her a rope (and chances are she desperately needs that rope) . She still has to choose to use it to climb out.
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Ben Kenobi
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McGregornobi!
Oct 2002
time: 21:35
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And vice-versa. The gay rights activist will not be able to counsel a Christian properly.
quote:
she has chronic depression, which hasn't responded super-well to various medications (which, naturally, lower her sex drive); she recently lost two family members who were very, very close to her;
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With any ONE of those things, I would not know which way was up. All three of these, and I'm surprised she's holding up as well as she has.
I wouldn't put too much stock into her confusion, if I've just lost two people that I cared a great deal about, I would be confused too.
Go to counselling, see if they can't help her sort out these issues. However, don't throw out this relationship just because of the troubles that have came out of the blue. Remember, this sort of thing is going to take time.
Take care of yourself, guynemer.
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Guynemer
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I've tried to be strong and to do things for her these past few days (talk is cheap; I want to show her how I feel), but I almost disintegrated into a blubbering mess again last night.
I asked her if she wanted to help me apartment-hunt; she said she could if I wanted her to, but it would be just for me. I sorta expected that, but it drove home the point that I will likely lose my dog in about two months, in addition to my fiancee. I can't take care of a dog by myself as an intern; I'll be spending every sixth night in the hospital. So, considering all my family and friends will still be up here in Michigan, I will literally be losing everyone I love.
First counseling session is tomorrow. I have to think that, on some level, she wants to save this--otherwise, why go to counseling? But she talks like it's already done.
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shawnmmcc
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Guynemer, see if any of your family in Michigan can keep the dog until you are on a more human schedule. Also, the advice to keep bridges open is good. My wife and I when we first started dating broke up. I had made a decision to stop falling out of touch, so about three months later I called her at her parents (summer break, she was in college) to just see how she was doing. She'd been a little bit (OK, a lot bit) of a jerk when we broke up, and was so surprised I just wanted to see how she was that, well, we're married for almost eleven years. Good times and bad, but so far we've worked our way through it.
Gibsie, that was obnoxious and funny. You either caused this poor guy to laugh or cry - both of which are probably not such a bad idea. 
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Guynemer
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quote:
Originally posted by shawnmmcc
Gibsie, that was obnoxious and funny. You either caused this poor guy to laugh or cry - |
Both, actually.
She'll get the dog. He's our dog. She'll be able to take care of him.
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Guynemer
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Oh the wedding has been postponed. Ben is quite right: that indeed DID go without saying.
Got back from the session. Funny thing. Here I thought she wanted counseling to try to save the relationship; in fact, she wanted it to help explain why she no longer wants the relationship. Silly me. I've spent the past couple hours since the session trying to at least give me a shot at making things better, or barring that, at least acknowledging that I would WANT to make things better. No dice.
So, to sum up, just over a week ago I was happy and excited, getting ready to move to a new town with a new job, looking forward to a wedding just over two months away; and I would come home from the new job every day to a loving wife and our dog. Leaving behind all my friends and family, but I had a wife and a dog, so things were a-okay.
Then-KABOOM. Nothing, except a new job in a place I was excited about because it was for US. I'm leaving behind everyone and everything I love, and there is no obvious possibility of even having a CHANCE to salvage it.
I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Guynemer
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quote:
Originally posted by Guynemer
Ben is quite right: |
Oh, and Ben--don't expect me to type that phrase
Ever
Again.
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Guynemer
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Columbus is, sadly, required. Signed a contract.
Thing is, SHE was the one who really loved Columbus. I ranked it so high on my list in part because she loved it so much.
Christ, I hate this feeling.
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31-03-2004 16:14
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