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Kassiopeia
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Jyväskylä, Finland
Jul 2001
time: 07:22
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Round 3 Results:
Battle 1: Jamski-san vs. Captain Flint
Jamski has 56, Flint has 74 HP left.
1. Jamski-san gathers all of his REAL ULTIMATE POWER and jabs Flint in the collar bone with the back of his hand for 13 points of damage.
2. Jamski continues on his shining path, doling out punches for another 13 points, but Captain Flint responds in kind and stabs Jam in the ham for 13 points as well.
3. Dejected, Jamski-san lies on the ground waiting for the coup de grâce, but the Captain is exhausted too, and just kicks some dirt in Jamski's eyes for 3 points of damage.
Final result: Jamski-san has 40 hit points left, Captain Flint has 48 left. Captain Flint wins!
Battle 2: Jamski-san vs. Spacius Maximus
Jamski has 99 left, Spacius Maximus has 84 left.
1.-3. The audience is weirded out by a most strange scene - it's as if the two are reading the each other's thoughts, mirroring the action of the other with complete immediacy. Equally miraculously, both score the exactly same amount of damage on each other for two consecutive rounds, for a total loss of 16 points for both - then the ordeal is too much and both keel down.
But the final results is not a tie, even if the second leg was a toss-up: Spacius Maximus has only 68 points of health left, while Jamski-san has 83. A clear victory for Jamski-san!
Battle 3: Jamski-san vs. The Doctor
The Doctor has 70 left, Jamski-san has 98 left.
1. It happens again! Jamski-san must have a strange aura of dual complicity and he must be involuntarily broadcasting his thoughts. Anyway, 15 points of damage to both.
2. The Doctor trips over (how this can happen on a completely flat arena of sand is beyond me) and Jamski takes a shot at his kidneys for 15 points more.
3. Doc isn't fazed by this at all, though, and just hops up, sweeps Jamski's feet from under him and responds in kind for 15 as well.
In the end, The Doctor has 40 HP left, while Jamski-san has a total of 68. Jamski-san wins once more!
Battle 4: Emperor Commodus vs. Spacius Maximus
1. The Emperor waves around his ridiculously huge sword. Spacius decides that his massive shield isn't going to help him anyway and throws it at Commodus. Commodus is thrown a bit off his guard for a moment, and Spacius lunges at him with his tooth pick, scoring a nibble for three points of damage.
2.-3. Realizing that he's winning, Spacius just does the "run around the arena like the village idiot" routine familiar from his battle with The Doctor until both are too fatigued to fight.
Spacius has 100 HP, Commodus has 97 - Spacius Maximus wins, The Emperor is defeated! The audience nicknames Spacius "One Hit Wonder" (kudos to SC himsef for coming up with that one).
Battle 5: Emperor Commodus vs. The Doctor
1.-3. The Emperor wanders into the arena half-awake in the morning, but he goes back to sleep when a helpful attendant reminds him that his schedule is actually empty today. Wimps!
Battle 6: Emperor Commodus vs. Jack the Knife
1. Commodus decides to go full throttle with his enormous phallic symbol meat-cleaver sword and thwocks Jack in the shin for 28 points of damage. The strain is a bit too much for him though, and while he catches his breath, Jack knifes him in the ribs for 10 points of damage. Mmmm, ribs.
2. The onslaught continues, with Commodus taking another swing and Jack receiving it in kind. Another 28 points. Jack manages to throw his knife at The Emperor's shoulder for 10 points, but it seems meager in comparison.
3. In the final round, Commodus tilts his sword a bit and starts slapping Jack in the face with the flat side of it. 10 points. Jack grabs the blade end of the sword, and while Commodus is too surprised to realize the danger he is in with his hands and body static, Jack whirls around and stabs him in the back. Unfortunately for him, Commodus manages his saving throw and only takes 10 points of damage.
Commodus has 70 points left in him, while Jack has a mere 34 points (ouch!). A crushing victory for Commodus!
Battle 7: Lord Drogue vs. The Doctor
1. After three dull segments, The Doctor takes the offensive and jabs Drogue in the neck with a mysterious needle for 14 points of damage.
2. However, Doc suddenly develops a strange itch and falls down on the ground, forced to scratch himself all over. Drogue takes full advantage of this and plants his blade in the hapless physician-gladiator for 23 points of damage.
3. Doc hastily applies some cortisone on himself, stands up, and realizes the his become allergic to the trademark latex gloves he's been wearing. He tosses them away and manages to whomp Drogue for another 14 points of damage - but not taken aback by this in the least, Drogue just strikes at him again for 23 more points.
The Doctor has 54 HP, Drogue has 76. Lord Drogue wins!
Battle 8: Lord Drogue vs. Jack the Knife
Lord Drogue has 83 left, Jack the Knife at full health.
1. Both battlers just get their act together after the first leg.
2. Drogue haves at Jack, knowing his in the red, and makes Jack seem some red for 25 points' worth. Jack, as usual, exploits an opening in Drogue's posture and stabs him for 19 points of damage to balance out the segment.
3. Drogue keeps on hacking away but having learned his lessons, Jack is able to deflect the blows with ease.
Final result: Jack the Knife at 75, Drogue at 64 points - Jack wins! (And may I add, had Jack redone his orders for the first leg the way I think he probably would have, Drogue's defeat would have only been more obvious.)
Battle 9: Lord Drogue vs. The Sparrow
Lord Drogue has 81 pts left, The Sparrow has 76 points left.
1.-2. The match could go any way with such a tight margin, so the two first rounds are just spent practicing the noble art of looking at each other menacingly.
3. The mockery from the crowd grows too strong for the new guy to handle, though, so The Sparrow charges at Drogue at full speed. His blade misses its mark by a few inches, and only scratches Drogue for 9 points of damage. The lunge throws him off balance, Drogue just shrugs and slashes at his opponent for 25 points of damage.
Final result: The Sparrow at 51, Drogue at 72 points - Lord Drogue wins the day.
Battle 10: Captain Flint vs. Jack the Knife
Captain Flint has 49 pts of health left, while Jack the Knife has 56 points' worth left in him. This round has all the possibility to become a double KO, something we haven't seen a while with this overtly defensive style everyone's playing.
1. Flint takes no heed of such a tactic, however, and just carries out his usual "run at the enemy as fast as you can, distract them with a loud belch and hope you can poke them in the eye" move. Once again it's a complete failure and Jack, as always, takes advantage of it for 10 points of damage.
2. This time Flint succeeds in kicking Jack in the groin with his wooden leg, giving Jack a pair of wooden legs too. 13 points of damage dealt.
3. Finally, the Captain uses the last trick in his sleeve - he whistles, and a parrot flies in from seemingly out of nowhere. It too tries to poke Jack in the eye with its beak, but it only manages to scratch his brow for 3 points of damage. Jack lashes out at the bird, which panicks and flies right at Flint, poking him in the eye for 9 points of damage.
Kassi considers disqualifying Flint for such a trick, but he didn't win and the audience appeared to enjoy the spectacle, so the results stand: Jack had 50 points left, while Flint had only 30. Jack the Knife wins!
Battle 11: Captain Flint vs. The Sparrow
Captain Flint has 51 points of health left. The Sparrow has 56 points.
1.-3. Every segment The Sparrow tries to swish Flint off his legs, but he is unable to. During these futiles attempts, in segment 2 Flint manages to score 13 points of damage and 3 more in segment three, this time without a parrot.
Thus, Captain Flint manages to overturn the first leg and emerges victorious, with 51 points against 40. The Captain wins!
Battle 12: Spacius Maximus vs. The Sparrow
Spacius Maximus at full health, The Sparrow at 99.
1.-3. In an unsurprising move, Spacius scampers around the arena, having scored a slight scratch on The Sparrow. The contrived canary chases his opponent around the arena and even manages to catch him and to throw a few blows, but to no avail. Spaced remains unscathed, the dodgy bugger.
And so, Spacius wins with 99 against The Sparrow's 100. Spacius "One Hit Wonder" Maximus wins!
As far as legs and rounds go, this one was perhaps the best one yet, as far as action is concerned. Keep up the good work in the semis, gentlemen.
Round-robin Final Results:
1. Emperor Commodus 16 points 5 wins 1 tie 1 loss
2. Jack the Knife 15 points 5 wins 0 ties 2 losses
3. Lord Drogue 13 points 4 wins 1 tie 2 losses
4. Spacius Maximus 11 points 3 wins 2 ties 2 losses
The Doctor 10 points 3 wins 1 tie 3 losses
Jamski-san 9 points 3 wins 0 ties 4 losses
Captain Flint 7 point 2 wins 1 tie 4 losses
Trident Guy/The Sparrow 0 points 0 wins 0 ties 7 losses
Semifinals, First Round:
As far as I know, the usual system is to have the 1st one fight the 4th one and the 2nd one fight the 3rd one (if the tradition has been otherwise please let me know, I forget how we did it the last time). So:
Battle 1: Emperor Commodus vs. Spacius Maximus
Battle 2: Jack the Knife vs. Lord Drogue
To the (make-believe) death, on Monday!
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27-10-2004 19:03
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