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Samuel Johnson
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Camel Hussein sat back in his comfy chair, holding the cigarette between his fingers the way those evil guys did on the Nazi movies. BZZZZTTT. Camel jumped up and the cigarette went flying up in the air and fell back down right below his crotch. Camel jumped up and down in his chair, screaming like a little girl and flicked at the butt. BZZZZTTT. "Ooooh," Camel looked at the burn mark in his Corinthian Leather comfy chair, "Daaaaamn, man." BZZZZAAATTTT. "Oh what the fu---."
He snapped his hand at the intercom on the desk. "What the m*S*D*F@#$ is it?"
"Sir, turn on CNN. Now."
"Peons. Can't live with them..." He reached for remote and immediately his jaw dropped.
10 minutes later as that friggin' elf, Kristiane Amanpour, came on to analyze the tape, Camel reached under his jaw and moved it back up.
"The old f***** doper! and his stupid doper friends!!!" Camel railed at the ceiling and cursed the man who named him after his mother. "Don't they know that I'm the one who is in charge of this country?!?!"
Just then the phone rang.
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Samuel Johnson
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Ok, guess I'll take Iraq. Hope no one minds that I've named the Iranian and the Egyptian. I'll keep Halie Sellasie as my sidekick, though, since Ethiopia isn't in the game.
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civman2000
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of the Martian Empire
Jun 2001
time: 23:19
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GNN Breaking News:
In a press conference about the Jihad scandal, Foreign Minister Jerry Pattison suddenly began screaming and crying as President Ana answered a question. He said something about a "lunatic," the Badn of the Jihad, "ruining the coutry," and "employing--"
The report was suddenly cut off and all that came out of GNN for the next 28 hours was static.
THe next day, Arky Morton led his army into Lima, the last stronghold and capital of the Martian Empire. He then declared his allegiance to be with Guyana on international television.
Meanwhile, in GEorgetown, the Guyana Congress began impeachment proceedings against the president.
Last edited by civman2000 on 11-05-2002 at 04:23
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Rotten999
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Milwaukee, WI
Mar 2002
time: 23:19
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"Dear irresponsible wicked infidels, if we could have a nuclear device to smite the devils of the world, including you, we'd be very grateful." Beria tossed the letter on Aronovich's desk. "It goes on like that for ten more pages."
"Well it's tempting." Ivan crumpled up the papers and deposited them in the his trash bin. "So you say these people are now involved in the Aztec situation somehow?"
"Do you think we could use this as an excuse to, ahem, appropriate some territory into our nation? We could use that oil." Beria sneered.
"Maybe. We've got a rebellion situation in India that might be worth looking into first. Marxists rebels are fighting the Indian government in this region." Beria pointed at the tactical map. Aronovich strained to get a better look.
"Veitnam, eh? Interesting. Perhaps they need advisors..."
Last edited by Rotten999 on 11-05-2002 at 04:50
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Samuel Johnson
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Camel picked up the phone. "Yes, yes... of course, yes, I know."
Damn that was Mubarek - I assume Khatemi will be calling me next. Better get the advisors together.
He snapped his fingers three times. Smartly. Then, he stroked his goatee evilly and looked in this mirror.
The mirrored panels in the back of his office, immediately opened up and his advisors rushed into the paneled room.
"My father and his retired friends have caused a major brouhaha. Domestic: report."
The goateed advisor looked down at her clipboard. "Wel, 18% support planting nuclear devices in all the capitals of all the countries we hate...which is everyone (except for Egypt and Persia). Another 39% think its the dumbest idea since the Tower of Babel. And..." She looked up. Camel raised his eyebrows, threw his hands apart and jutted his forehead at her. "Well?"
"And the remaining, um, 43% want to know who Halie Selasie's connection is."
Camel rolled eyes and then regained his composure. He lit a cigarette and held it like he was practicing earlier.
"Um...what's your face? Science, is it? What's up, dude?"
The mousey goateed Science dude. "Um, we're like years away from developing a nuke. But..." He held up some screws and pipes. "I do have some replaceable parts. Look, they all screw in together and, we don't like have to always wait real long to fix our tractors and guns."
Camel looked skeptically at him. "Um, that's, um, very nice. Er. WHAT THE F&&&& ARE YOU DOING TO ME. I NEED NUKES NOW!!!"
Science guy shrank back. "Have you asked Egypt?"
Camel then turned to his trade advisors. "What the f&** are you doing here? Get out of here and go make some money!!!"
"Sheesh."
General Raffsanjani tweaked his mustache. Camel turned to him, "General!" "Yes Sir" "Where's your goatee??" "Um, I thought this might look more ricky suave, y'know? With the ladies?" "Whatever, um how is our military."
The General stood up at attention. "Sir, we are ready to carry out your plans." Camel rolled his eyes. "I mean have we made any upgrades recently?" "Sir, we need lots of gold to upgrade our riflemen and cannon, Sir."
Camel leaned back in his chair. "Ouch!!!" The cigarette had burned down to his hand. He cursed his four legged mother.
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Samuel Johnson
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Camel looked around the room. "Um, where's the foriegn guy?"
"Son, wher'es the bottle opener?" Saddam came into the room, his large tank top just barely covering his beer belly.
Camel turned around and whined, "Daa-aad, I'm having a cabinet meeting."
"You know, son, when you do that you look like Pee Wee Herman with a goatee?"
Camel gestured at his cabinet.
"Son, I know that they said you were ready to come home but I think we're going to need to call that hospital again and take you and your little friends here back."
"DAd, you promised." Saddam looked arond the room for he bottle opener. His eyes lit upon the General.
"General, what the f*** are you doing here?"
The General look sheeplishly at his spit-shined shoes. "Sir, well, um, you never have cabinet meetings and I wanted to see what it was like."
Saddam rolled his eyes. "Look, why don't you come down to the clubhouse. Halie Selasi and I want to, um, show you something."
"Camel, carry, er, on."
Saddam walked out of the room, clasping the General on his back. "What a f***ing loon. Probably gets his from his mother. She was always so skittish. Nice mustache, man. Have you considered a fu manchu?"
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Metaliturtle
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University of Wisconsin Stevens Point
Mar 2002
time: 23:19
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Ah Mack the Pollack finally begins his reign as Polish monarch. His first order of business? PORKING HOT CHICKS!!! What!? THERE ARE NO HOT CHICKS IN POLAND?! GRRRR, PREPARE THE ARMY FOR AN INVASION OF SWEDEN, we need some chicks with meatballs if you know what I'm saying.
The polish army climbed into their submarines, and transports. Unfortunately, the Polish are a cheap nation, all that happened was their subs with screen doors sank, and their transports built from old sieves leaked like, well, a sieve.
NEW PLAN!! Get into the Chevy and buy a ton of beer, if we can't steal women, we might as well get all drunk so that we can stand to pork our own.
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Samuel Johnson
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Iraq = Bablyon.
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Samuel Johnson
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Six months later, 80 km south of Al Kut.
As they came around the bend in the hills overlooking a large tributarie that ran between the Tigris and Euphrates, Saddam turned to his advisors and held his arms up to heaven. "Now, you know why they call it the fertile crescent."
The aides, all wearing the same mustache removed their pince-nez sunglasses in unision, bent slightly forward and boggled their already boggled eyes so hard that one could write "boggle" in 12 pt font on their eyeballs. Saddam grinned in delight at the effect.
He looked down on his latest, greatest creation. Ol' Nebuchadezzar would have been proud. He had built the modern hanging gardens. For spread out below them for at least 30 km, were fields upon fields of marijuana.
The domestic advisor sputtered, "but, but sir, what happened to all the spice farms?" Saddam waved his hands. "Gone, off to join the infantry, I imagine. My good friend Halie Sellasie provides all the labor from Ethiopia." He turned to the trade minister and said, "there's a bug in the tradng system that we are going to exploit to get this evilly good stuff into the market."
General Rafsanjani, also wearing the pince-nez and his mustache styled into a fu manchu exclaimed, "excellent! With the money we can upgrade our army quicker, buy more bombers and invest more research into building carriers and submarines. People have laughed at our army for years but I envision a new elite corps of infantry called... The Republican Guard. I even have a new uniform dreamed up"
Saddam worked his fu manchu. "Republican? Thing of something better and start training some spies. And I wanted to ask you about our current research. Shouldn't we be spending our meager resources on atomic theory, if we are to get the bomb?"
Rasanjani did a double take. Shouldnt he be talking to Egypt about this?
"Now where is that tiny woman? I'm ready for my interview."
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Samuel Johnson
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Kristiane Amanpour put on her lipstick and shook her hair out in the mirror like Farah Fawcett. "MAAAAKEUP!!" she screamed in that little doll with a cigarette habit voice of hers. The CNN makeup crew appeared immediately and fearfully touched the tiny hag up and then obsequiously bowed and walked backwards out of her dominion.
Tonight would be her crowning acheivement. Interviewing the man many thought to behind the great Band of Jihad nuclear bomb conspiracy. Although each of the Band of Jihad had claimed the tape CNN ran six months ago was faked, the whole world seemed to have turned against them ... which was why she and the intellecutual elites of the world now saw Iraq as an oppressed peoples dominated by the cruel imperialistic hegemons and she was only too happy to slant this interview in that way. In fact, Saddam was now such a sympathetic figure in the global media and elite circles that she even fantasized about licking his boots on live TV just to show her solidatarity with the disenfranchised Iraqis. I bet he wears big, old, ugly army boots, too, she mused and licked her lips.
If only Saddam, the old doper, could make it through the interview without making a jackass out of himself...
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civman2000
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of the Martian Empire
Jun 2001
time: 23:19
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Guy Ana looked around at his new cabinet. The military and foreign advisors had been replaced with more trustworthy people.
"The reason I called this meeting," said the military advisor, "is that Blueb Heaven has crossed the border and savagely attacked us!"
"%*#&!!!!" said Guy. "Hows our military buildup?"
"Our army is getting to be what the international community calls 'medium'. Our navy construction has gone slowly and it is still quite small."
"BUt what about the Bluebish army?"
"ANd navy. THey've been secretly building up with American help and now have an army about teh same size as ours, a 'medium' navy, and even a small airforce!!"
"*&%#!!" Guy said a second time. "What are we supposed to do now?"
"We will be surrounded by enemies if all of NATO backs the invasion," said the foreign minister. "But what if we try to convince Italy, France, Britain, and Germany that the attack goes against their democratic philosophies, and that any support of Blueb Heaven is the same? They will condemn AMerica and Blueb HEaven, and if the invasion is not ended immediately, will kick them out of NATO and attack them with us."
"But our reputation is very low," said the assistant foreign advisor. "I think it wouldbe highly unlikely that they would agree to this."
"It's worth a try though," said Guy. "We've got nothing to lose. Let's do it."
If no one has taken a European NATO country within 24 hours and accepted/refused this proposal I will assume it was approved and NATO is split into an internal war 
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Samuel Johnson
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LIVE RUSH TRANSCRIPT ***
Christiane Amanpour: Greetings, stupid sheep, I am here to explain the world to you. Today in the capital of Iraq, I had a chance to speak with the heroic, young and dashing Saddam Hussein and we discussed how the evil NATO continues to oppress his peoples. But earlier I attended a concert given by the starving children of Iraq. Let's take a look, shall we?
(CNN Camera pans across a room full of fat kids singing the following anthem):
We are the starving children of Iraq
The rest of the world hates us
We will strap nukes on our back
And send you all back to Hades
Kristiane (voice over): Today marked the 40th year of the embargo against the children of Iraq and by extension the children of the world. In the six months since the infamous Band of Jihad video tape was discovered, Saddam Hussein has had a complete public relations makeover and has emerged as a modern hero for the people not just of his country but of the world. I spoke with him today.
Cut to grainy video. Kristiane is standing next to Saddam, coming up just above his beer belly and Saddam is leering at her.
Kristiane: Saddam, while the NATO imperialists call you a beast, I have found you to be quite a gentle man much like my husband.
Saddam: Thanks, Kristiane, I am your biggest fan.
Kristiane: Yeees... now about that video tape.
Saddam: The evildoers in NATO have done me a great insult by manufacturing that tape. Why, I don't even know what pot is and I have never had a secret clubhouse.
Kristiane: Of course. And in fact, the rhetoric from the European side of NATO has been much softer towards you. One European leader even has gone so far to say that he was sorry for starving millions of children and women in Iraq. Now...What about your son, Camel? Where is he?
Saddam: Camel is working on a special project in Niveneh.
Kristiane: Do you know that your boots are muddy. Even though you have gassed hundreds of thousands of your own people, want to put nuclear bombs in everyone's capital and kills billions of people, I feel the urge to get on my knees and lick your boots clean. May I.
Saddam: Of course, Kristiane. How could I ever turn down CNN?
*** END OF TRANSCRIPT ****
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Samuel Johnson
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My Dearest German Excellent Leader,
The people of Iraq wish to invite your foreign minister to Al Kut to sample the latest of our products from the spice farms and see if the Great Germany would like to set up a long-term deal to import said spices. We know this would break the NATO trade embargo but I think once you sample this particular spice, you will want it.
Love, Peace and Understanding,
Saddam Hussein.
P.S. Do you have any spare nukes? I promise I won't use them on you.
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Samuel Johnson
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Dear Mack,
Me love brat. Let's get together and annihilate somebody. Don't need any submarines with screen doors but sure could use some of the blueprints for said submarines. We have recently come across a quite delicious spice with the help of our friend Halie Sellasie and his Jamican followers. And of course, there's always that troublesome oil out in the desert you are always craving. Can we talk? Do you know anything about nuclear bombs?
Love, Peace, Understanding,
Saddam
P.S. The whore of babylon says hi.
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Tarquinius
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Dear Saddam,
Thanks for the most kind invitation. I hope you won't mind though, that we deal with some Polish scum first. I will be able to come to Iraq two days from now. I don't give a damn about this NATO embargo, I want revenge for the loss of Denmark!!
Kind regards,
Chancellor Wilhelm II
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11-05-2002 03:24
Attachment: 
Can I join you guys with this story?
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