18-12-2002 02:48									#1
	I just can't control my depression. Support Apolyton, buy Galactic Civilizations

I have been a sufferer of depression for quite some time now, but recently things just seem worse, especially since leaving my PhD (which I thought would be a break for the better). The countless rejections, the complete inability to get recognised or taken at all seriously. I can't get through a first round interview, let alone get a damn job, and it's almost a year since I quit my PhD. Also my present job is undemanding with no prospects and I could be laid off at any time. My anxiety and depression are just spiralling out of control. I have panic attacks, can either feel extreme anger, or just a complete blackness that nothing I think about can break. And most of all, even suicide. I just can't retain control of my life, and all I see is misery, no glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, just hopelessness and feel nothing but pain and misery. Sometimes I can smile and put on a grin but underneath nothing seems worthwhile, everything seems hopeless and a lost cause. I have had counselling on numerous occassions previously but the techniques they are teaching me are just failing to gain any control over my emotions and it never seems to get any better. I am trying to get to see a doctor but it seems to be impossible to get an appointment quickly. What should I do?

	18-12-2002 02:50									#2
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At the risk of being flamed by the usual suspects, have you considered some kind of antidepressant medication?

	18-12-2002 02:51									#3
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Yes Asher, I am very seriously considering it. Whether my doctor does is the issue...

	18-12-2002 02:52									#4
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I have tried to overcome it by force of mind, but I just don't have control. It undermines every aspect of my life, I have no self esteem or confidence in anything, and no hope. I think the time has come where I feel that there is no other option than to try medication, whatever the side effects.

	18-12-2002 02:53									#5
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Does being depressed help anything?

	18-12-2002 02:55									#6
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Look on the bright side PH. You're job is insecure but at least you have one. You could be laid off like I am. BTW an ex-girlfriend of mine suffered from sever bouts of depression. I don't think she was ever suicidal but she would lock herself in her room and not come out for days on end. She eventually found a good theropist who helped her through her depression and after wards she said the hardest part was admiting to herself she had a problem.

	18-12-2002 02:55									#7
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No, it totally ruins any quality of life I would otherwise have.

	18-12-2002 02:56									#8
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You need to make a big change in your life. Save some money and go travel for a while. Throw yourself in the deep end. Didn't some people on here say your skills are in high demand here in the states? You should seriously look into moving.

Medication probably isn't the answer. I can't say I know you terribly well, but I reckon you are stronger than that.

	18-12-2002 02:57									#9
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My depression was in college, and a lot of it had to do with coping with the sexuality issue. A doctor put me on Zoloft for a bit, but I had no appreciable improvement due to it. It wasn't a chemical problem for me, it was a self-esteem issue.

I overcame the depression by accepting who I was, but I had to tear everything down first and start from scratch. All my perceptions of who I was were cast aside and I rebuilt. Today I'm quite a contented person. Even when things are going badly, I don't get very down at all, which is a sign I'm doing good in the depression area. I was lucky in that my bout was pretty short.

Seek out a new you. Discover who you are, look at yourself in the mirror and find the things you like and focus on them. Take the things you dislike and either work to change them or just learn to accept them as part of the whole package. Love yourself as you would want another to love you.

	18-12-2002 02:57									#10
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I admit, and have admitted for a long time that I have a problem Oerdin, but I thought I could gain control, perhaps I can for short periods, but the underlying cause never goes away. I should have strong confidence in my position, but there is nothing but pessimism and bleakness.

	18-12-2002 02:58									#11
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Try telling the doctor exactly what you told us and he 'll be able to help you in the right direction. Until then try to get some fresh air and force yourself to go out and do things. Even if you don't feel like it.

	18-12-2002 02:59									#12
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Not a fan of medications. They mask/suppress, not cure.

	18-12-2002 03:00									#13
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quote: Originally posted by SlowwHand Not a fan of medications. They mask/suppress, not cure.

They're a tool on the way to a cure, they're not a magic solution.

You can't get over your depression when you're in a bleak state like Rich has described, you may need a boost to help you out.

	18-12-2002 03:01									#14
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Have you tried drowning it out in computer games? Long marathon matches of Civ can take your mind off your problems, if anything.

	18-12-2002 03:02									#15
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quote: Originally posted by Oerdin Try telling the doctor exactly what you told us and he 'll be able to help you in the right direction. Until then try to get some fresh air and force yourself to go out and do things. Even if you don't feel like it.

Good advice.

	18-12-2002 03:02									#16
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Find interests that will enable you to meet friends.

	18-12-2002 03:05									#17
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Pardon the flame-bait, but may I suggest perhaps going to church?

I am often comforted in trying times by the following passage:

M't:5:3: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
M't:5:4: Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
M't:5:5: Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
M't:5:6: Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
M't:5:7: Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
M't:5:8: Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
M't:5:9: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
M't:5:10: Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
M't:5:11: Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
M't:5:12: Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

	18-12-2002 03:07									#18
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Provost - Regardless of what happened with your PhD program and your current job situation, you have a lot going for you. You're intelligent and have a great education behind you, but you just haven't found your break. I like Cali's suggestion...have you tried searching abroad for a job? Try taking a **** job with a good company, becuase getting your foot in the door is often the most important step. Then when they realize what you're capable of, you can be moved up. I don't know how much you have or are willing to spend on such a venture, but search around for some openings. Spend at least 2 hours a day researching and/or contacting companies getting your name out. It won't just happen, you have to actively go and grab it.

I'm sure you know this, but suicide won't help anything and I sincerely hope you don't come anywhere close to this point

	18-12-2002 03:08									#19
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quote: Originally posted by Asher They're a tool on the way to a cure, they're not a magic solution. You can't get over your depression when you're in a bleak state like Rich has described, you may need a boost to help you out.

Thankyou Asher, as I said, I can't get a grip to be able to do that. I need some kind of grip to sort out my problems, and with the complete lack of any optimism, it is impossible to make rational decisions as to my future. I latch from idea to idea, I make wild swings in pretty important decisions. I just don't know what I want and I wouldn't have any confidence to be able to strive for it if I did. Simple counselling is not enough.

	18-12-2002 03:11									#20
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FNBrown, I had to somewhat resist from not flaming you

I think Rich is far beyond church like most of us

Not that there are not real gems of wisdom to be found in the holy scriptures. but i digress.

	18-12-2002 03:12									#21
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You just need to get out there and do stuff!

Seriously man! No man is an island, you need to interact with other humans. Jion a knitting circle() anything, just get out there and meet people.

	18-12-2002 03:14									#22
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Yep, agree with Cali.

And I'd also recommend getting a lapdance- you'd be surprised at the effects.

Or take a holiday alone/with an 18-30 group.

	18-12-2002 03:14									#23
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I'm sorry to hear that Provost. I wish you all the best.

Talk to your doctor, he'll probably refer you to a psychiatrist, perhaps with some mild medication (at first). If he doesn't, find a psychiatrist anyway, and work with him on getting the right medication.

Don't expect miracles though. Counseling takes months or years, and finding the right pill cocktail for your individual type of depression might take months too (took me 4 months to find the right medicin and dosage).

Is there anyone you feel close to? A friend, relative. They might be able to make things a little better for you.

Religion can help. You'll get a purpose, and may meet some nice people along the way. But stay level headed, religion can make depression worse (guilt problems).

Other than that I don't know. Sex always helps, even if you had to pay for it. But that's something you have to decide on your own.

Take care, and good luck.

	18-12-2002 03:16									#24
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quote: Originally posted by paiktis22 FNBrown, I had to somewhat resist from not flaming you I think Rich is far beyond church like most of us Not that there are not real gems of wisdom to be found in the holy scriptures. but i digress.

No one's sins are too great to be forgiven, paiktis.

1Jo:1:7: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

	18-12-2002 03:18									#25
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Don't give me that religious crap either.

	18-12-2002 03:18									#26
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Well at least Rich can still think straight.

	18-12-2002 03:19									#27
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Do they have any programs for recent graduates over there?

I had a hell of a time getting my first job out of university, and I eventually found a program where the government would subsidize wages for the first 3 months in order to induce companies to hire new grads.

It's how I got hired and I have been here for 3.5 years now.

	18-12-2002 03:22									#28
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quote: Originally posted by Provost Harrison Don't give me that religious crap either.

While I'm an athiest myself...i must admit that some of the teachings of religion (any of them) can help you feel better about yourself, especially when compared to others, especially those listed by FNBrown. I wouldn't totally discount his advice. My mom might say the same thing to me, when I'm upset at something, and it often does help at least a little.

	18-12-2002 03:22									#29
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Thanks Asher

Thanks Saint Marcus as well. I have given serious thought to these things. I am very close to my mother and I have talked with her at length about this stuff and is backing me up all the way, being a chronic depression sufferer herself and having being on antidepressants for many years (and there lies the family history).

I know it will take time. I don't have any choice. We all want solutions here and now, but anything, no matter how slow, would help.

And sex...yes, it would be nice, but my current thinking would just not allow for it. I wouldn't have the confidence to approach, and there is all the inadequacy stuff that would go with the first time. It would be just too great a risk to take.

	18-12-2002 03:23									#30
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Provost,

First thing is to realize that depression is an illness just like cancer or heart disease. It's true.

Second, get to a doctor and be frank with him.

I have been in therapy for several months and am taking two anti-depressants and one med for panic attacks. In fact I am about to leave to see my doctor now.

It has help me immensely. Get help.