 |
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
Master Zen
|
 |
of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
|
|
The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1330 AD
-----------------------------
BREAKING NEWS
GoW reaches PTWDG final
Will play against winner of ND vs GS semifinal
IMPERIAL CITY - In what is considered a lucky draw, GoW avoided a tiring semifinal clash and received an instant bye to the PTWDG final where they will meet the winner of the Neu Demogyptica vs Gathering Storm semifinal currently underway. GoW coach Master Zen explained, "We were so tired after our Quarterfinal game against Lego, we're glad we have a breather before the big one". On the other side of the pond, GS coach Aeson was not as pleased. "We've played three straight games with no rest at all, but we are confident that we will emerge victorious". The titanic struggle between ND and GS is viewed as a classic match between offense and defense with no team having a clear overall edge. "It will be a great game" mentioned Vox coach Rhothaerill, "having these two teams in top form duke it out, I'm definitely bringing an extra-large bucket of popcorn to watch this one!".
The first round of the PTWDG championship saw Lux, Vox and Roleplay eliminated in some amazing matches and a number of unbelievable upsets. Lux's now-legendary defeat against ND was all the more humilliating since all of ND's goals were scored by Lux themselves. Likewise, GS was hard-pressed against Vox but ended up snatching a major victory out of the blue. And in what was perhaps the most memorable of matches, the simultaneous trashing of Roleplay by ND and GoW's underdog victory against GS paved the way for the second round of the championship though not all was good sportsmanship, as the GoW-GS game ended in massive stadium riots and fights in the pitch prompting many GS players to quit the tournament. But in a sign of unity, a combined GoW-GS team slid through and defeated the most feared team in the tournament, Legoland, in the Quarterfinals.
In other news, there are plans to get Vox and Roleplay to duke it out for an Honorable-Mention though there is still the pressing issue on which of the two stadiums the game will be played and whether either team has the means to travel all the way around the world to play. There is also talk about the final being played with the new and controversial Nuke Net-Buster™ ball which is still in its testing stage.
GS's DeepO makes an agressive sliding tackle against ND's zeri during the opening minutes of the semifinal
------------------------------
Neu Demogyptica builds United Nations
First draft resolution declares Gathering Storm "illegal"
BORCEM - In what is likely to be a milestone for multilateral diplomacy, Demogyptican authorities completed the United Nations in the city Borcem, inviting delgations from all around the world to work together for peace, security, order and "the Demogyptican way of life". Delegates from all nations were quick to arrive and set up permanent missions in the city. Among the expected topics for discussion will be the issue of Roleplay's former Lego colonies, and of course, the current war between ND and GS. The opening ceremony, however, was mired with protests outside the UN Headquarters, mostly from Spanish and Stormian ex-pats protesting ND's less-than-stellar reputation for peace. "This is outrageous" said Spanish ex-pat José Miguel de Cervantes Nuñez Ferández Hernández Rodríguez, "the same country which invaded Roleplay twice now wants to act like they care about world peace!"
One of the first comittees to begin work was the Security Council. ND diplomats were quick to present an initial draft resolution titled "The Situation regarding The Gathering Storm". Among other points, the resolution called the Gathering Storm to be "illegal" and urged their immediate surrender and extermination. "This resolution had some heavy language" said GoW diplomat Hot_Enamel, "I mean, seriously, how can you call an entire nation 'illegal'?". While not expected to pass this resolution is seen as only the beginning in a series of equally-useless garbage that will be discussed in the near future.
GoN obtained an exclusive copy of the draft resolution which is presented as follows:
DRAFT RESOLUTION SC1
SPONSOR: Neu Demogyptica
- Noting with alarm GS's imperialist past and their intentions to settle on Bob at all costs,
- Concerned over the possibility of GS constructing weapons of mass destruction,
- Determined to finish what we started in the Bobian War,
1) Decides to declare the Gathering Storm illegal,
2) Reiterates our intentions to make all their base belong to us,
3) Urges our sissy-ass neighbors to the north to join us in this struggle,
4) Determines to capture Togas, King of Spain, and hang him from the minaret of the Neu Theben mosque
------------------------------
Other Headlines
The Capital (Page A1)
"Museum of Mismanagement opened, built with only two workers"
The Hinterland (A15)
"Livestock die in Isolationa, chupacabras or Trip likely suspects"
Foreign Affairs (B1)
"'Neutrality Prostitute' foreign policy deemed even too whoreish for GoW"
Culture (C1)
"'Lern to speik an spel' campaign opens in Tenebrae"
Fashion (C10)
"Electric shavers banned, declared 'un-Warmongerian' by Cultural Ministry"
People (D1)
"'GhengisFarb truly insane', new book claims"
Last edited by Master Zen on 01-04-2005 at 08:34
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|
Master Zen
|
|
of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
|
|
The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1340 AD
-----------------------------
BREAKING NEWS
Gathering Storm adopts new language
1337 Speak officially replaces Old Stormian. w00t!
EYE OF THE STORM - The Stormian Parliament voted overwhelmingly in favor of replacing Old Stormian, the official language of the Gathering Storm for 5340 years with the new language which has swept the nation, called "1337 Speak" (Warmongerian translation: dleet dspeak). Its roots are traced to the invention of the Internet and the resulting cultural changes which have transformed Stormian culture because of it. During the last decade, it has been increasingly used by 13-year olds living in their parents basements, 20-somethings living in their parents basements and even 30-year olds also living in their parents basements. And with most youngsters rebelling against the traditional and strict spelling of the Old Stormian language, it was only natural that 1337 Speak would come to dominate thanks to its lax gramatical and ortographical structure. Our GoN correspondant went to Elipolis to see what the fuss was all about and logged into an actual Stormian chat room to see for himself.
GloryOfNews> Hello everyone
WellHung2> h1
SeXyChIcKeN> y0
WarChariot69> ^_^
GloryofNews> So, what's with this new Leet Speak?
WellHung2> it's 13375p34k n00b : p
GloryofNews> it's what?
WarChariot69> oMFg d00d iz li3k s000 l4m3!!111!!!
WellHung2> y34h sTfU n00b!11
GloryofNews> sorry, did I do something wrong?
WellHung2> LOL, 1 did \/\/17h y0 /\/\4/\/\4 LoL!11!!
WarChariot69> OMFG j00 607 m4d pWn3d!!1
SeXyChIcKeN> 13375p32k th1s 5h1zZ47 r0X !!!11!
WellHung2> s0 u h4v3 t3h pr0n??/?
WarChariot69> (o y o)
WellHung2> OmFg LoL!!1!
SeXyChIcKeN> o_O
WarChariot69> y0, SeXy, w4nn4 c|/b3r???
While most non-Stormians would cringe at having to learn a new language, the government has made steps to make 1337 Speak spread to all corners of the country. School textbooks are now printed in 1337 Speak and even a new constitution was recently unveiled by the Stormian Parliament. Among various new revisions, the constitution now starts with the line "W3 t3h 1337 h4x0rZ 0f t3h 647h3r33|\|6 57r0|\/|". At the United Nations, Stormian diplomats presented a draft resolution condeming Neu Demogyptica's aggression. The resolution included statementes that ND was going to "637 PWN3D" and that the Gathering Str0m was going to "r0x0r j00r b0X0rZ". It is not expected to pass for the simple reason that no other delegation was able to understand a word of what is written in it.
Editor's Note: As of now, there are no plans of introducing a 1337-version of T3h 610r|/ 0f |\|3\/\/z
------------------------------
War is Lame!
Analysts and Spectators agree
CAMULDONUM - It is official, the war is lame, say analysts, experts and spectators from the Dreadlands to the mountains of Voxtavia. Disappointed by the lack of mass aereal bombings, titanic land battles and flanking maneouvers, most people are now shunning the nightly news in favor of other non-war-related programming. "Back in the days of the Bobian War there were awsome tactical maneouvers, cities were razed, people were killed, babies were eaten, especially by GhengisFarb's Riders." said military analyst UnOrthOdoX of Camuldonum. "In the Lego War you had massive battles involving dozens of tank and infantry divisions". But now, we have wimpy attacks against defenseless Spanish infantry in lego, ships which were sunk with no warning, and incredibly lame bombing attacks against the countryside, whoopedy-friggin-doo.".
A survey was recently conducted in Zenophobia asking people what they wanted to see in the war. The results called for "more razed cities", "mass bombing raids", "battleship duels", "100+ unit invasions" and "GhengisFarb again". A number of extreme spectators have even called for a boycott of the evening news. "Here in GoW, fighting is our national pastime, when we're not at war we at least want to watch it on TV! War, fighting, hitting things on the head with blunt instruments, drop-kicking our neighbors, breaking passerby's noses with our elbows, shaving our wive's beards, those are the things that make our country strong and proud!". As a result of this extreme public pressure, the Glory of War and Vox have presented a draft resolution at the United Nations asking, among other things "for ND and GS to open up an even larger can of whoop-ass". It is expected to be vetoed by Roleplay since an increase in the level of ass-whooping would leave them bien jodidos.
------------------------------
Other Headlines
The Capital (Page A1)
"Master Zen to marry Queen Borg in lavish ceremony in the Imperial Palace"
The Hinterland (A15)
"Glowing 3-eyed French-speaking fish found in Killdaria after bomb test"
Foreign Affairs (B1)
"GoW ambassador calls for Lego to 'Die. C'mon man, please, just die'"
Culture (C1)
- No articles found -
Fashion (C10)
"Female GoW models protest against lack of representation in world runways"
People (D1)
"New book claims renegade Lego leader ZargonX is the antichrist"
Last edited by Master Zen on 13-04-2005 at 10:57
|
|
| |
|
| |
All times are GMT. The time now is 05:19.
Apolyton Time is 00:19. |
top of page
|
|
|
Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
|
HTML code is ON
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
|
|
|
|
|
|
30-03-2005 11:48
)
|