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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1350 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
GoW and ND engaged!
Ceremony to take place at the United Nations
IMPERIAL CITY, GoW - The unthinkable occured a few days ago with the surprise announcement of a union between the Glory of War and Neu Demogyptica. Calling this new entity The Neu Glory of Demogypticwar (NGoDw), plans have made to formally unite the two Bobian superpowers into one single political entity over the course of the next years. "This is unprecedented" said GoW senator Donegeal, "now we not only have to bear MZ's crappy leadership, but ND's also". On the other side of the hills, the reaction from the Holy Islamic Council was similar "We renounced our sovereignty" said Zerialienguru "and all we get are ugly beared women". Depsite these misgivings, both sides maintain that a union is the best solution to emerge victorious in the war that is currently being waged against the Gathering Storm and Roleplay.
At the request of the editor, the text of this union was made public by the Imperial Palace:
PREUNION AGREEMENT
I. We, the undersigned, The Glory of War, ally-to-be, hereby obligate ourselves to support our ally-to-be, Neu Demogyptica, in the manner of military allies who assist and support their comrades loyally. If, Allah forbid, we do not continue continental residence together for whatever reason, then we now obligate ourselves to pay them 100 gold per turn, for maintenance and rushes from the day we no longer continue continental residence together, and for the duration of our union. However, this obligation to provide maintenance and rushes shall terminate if our ally refuses to appear upon due notice before the United Nations for purpose of a hearing concerning any outstanding disputes between us, or in the event that they fail to abide by the decision or recommendation of such organization.
II. We execute this document as an inducement to the union between ourselves and our ally-to-be. The obligations and conditions contained herein are executed according to all legal requirements. We acknowledge that we have effected the above obligation by means of a United Nations resolution.
III. We enter into this obligation to provide for the status, ownership, and division of territory between us, including future territory owned or to be conquered by either or both of us.
V. We agree and affirm the following
a. That we executed the agreement voluntarily (internal arm-twisting by MZ and Darekill notwithstanding);
b. That this agreement was not unconscionable when it was executed (ok, only just a wee bit);
c. That we were provided prior to the execution of the Agreement a fair and reasonable disclosure of the territory, financial obligations and F11 data of the other with no altered screenshots.
IV. We, the undersigned ally-to-be, acknowledge the acceptance of this obligation by my other ally-to-be, and in partial reliance on it agree to enter into our forthcoming union.
In witness of all of the above, GoW and ND have entered into this agreement in the City of Killdaria.
The ceremony of union shall take place at the United Nations and access is via invitation only. Formal attire is required.
World still wonders who'll be the bi tch, and who'll be the butch
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Diplomatic Crisis
GoW and GS enemies and allies at the same time
BORCUM, ND - A diplomatic crisis has arisen from GoW's surprising alliance with ND as it has turned the foreign situation between GoW and GS into confusion. The root of the problem is the ongoing alliance between GoW and GS against as-yet-not-destroyed Legoland, which co-exists with the state of war which presently hangs over both nations in the Great Stormian War. "We are rather confused" says Voxian diplomat Beta. "On one hand, we do not know whether to treat GoW and GS as allies, or as enemies. It is difficult when on one hand they are bombing each other to bits while on the other they both have the same vested interest in erradicating Lego".
Yesterday's General Assembly session reflected the diplomatic chaos:
Hot_Enamel: We vow to erradicate the Gathering Storm once and for all!
Cort Haus: Your bombing of Winds of Change shall not go unpunished treacherous scum!
Hot_Enamel: Oh btw, We found out where Lego is hiding
Cort Haus: Really, where?
Hot_Enamel: North of The Hive, we sent some tanks to fight them
Cort Haus: Good, we'll try an divert a destroyer up north too
Hot_Enamel: Where were we? Oh yes, we'll raze your cities to the ground, all of them!
Cort Haus: We'll make you pay for every square foot in blood!
Hot_Enamel: We'll raze them, oh yes we will!
Cort Haus: Oh no you won't!
Hot_Enamel: Oh yes we will!
Cort Haus: Oh no you won't!
Hot_Enamel: Oh yes we will!
Cort Haus: Oh yes we will!
Hot_Enamel: Oh no you won't!
Cort_Haus: *snicker*
Hot_Enamel: Dammit...
It is unknown how long the dual war/alliance situation will last. In windows throught GoW, Arab flags are now being flown aside Stormian flags left since the Lego War. "Umm, I'm not sure if I should take it down" said a Trafalgar resident, "I'll just put both up and hope they don't start beating each other up". In the meantime, similar diplomatic exchanges will be the order of the day at the United Nations.
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Other Headlines
The Capital (Page A1)
"Master Zen all week in nuclear bunker with 4 bottles of tequila, S&M porn magazines and mini-golf set"
The Hinterland (A15)
"Glowing 3-eyed French-speaking fish voted mayor of Killdaria"
Foreign Affairs (B1)
"GS declares war on Spain after GoW invasion: 'Our boyz just can't fight' says GS leader Aeson"
Culture (C1)
- Section cancelled -
Fashion (C10)
"Borg Queen of Skulgaria gets cyber-breast implants at the request of Master Zen"
Science (D1)
"Scientific community wonders when GoW will use technology for peaceful purposes"
Last edited by Master Zen on 27-04-2005 at 21:22
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1360 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
Vox returns to Estonia
"Smells funny" say new Voxian residents
THE VOICE, ESTONIA - In an uncharaceristic show of goodwill and benevolence, The Glory of War ceded control of most of Estonia back to their ancient owners, Vox Controli, after conquering the subcontinent in 1345. "We felt it was a moral obligation for us" said GoW senator Donegeal, "over a thousand years ago we watched helplessly as Vox had to flee halfway around the world, in the minds of most GoWers, we felt we had a sacred duty to bring them back one day". That day came and a modest but moving ceremony witnessed the arrival of the first group of Voxian colonists while GoW troops handed control of major government instalations to the new Voxian civilian authorities. Vox is now in control of all of Estonia except for the port of Santa Barbara and the Elipolis canal, both of which remain under GoW sovereignty but will be handed back once the present war is over and all Spanish dissidents are nerve-stapled.
But all was not happy with the arrival of the colonists as many complained of the "strange new smell" of their old cities. Descendants of Voxian hero, HarryH, were quick to repopulate the city of Harry's Hideout. "This the place our great-great-great-great-great grandpappy used to live" said Harry Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. "It used to smell like incense and had pictures of Persian belly dancers on the walls. Now it smells like squid and midget farts and there's a picture of Penelope Cruz instead". Similar complaints could be heard elsewhere as more people became aware of the smell of bull poo, squid guts and paella leftovers which permeate most of the cities. "I think it's going to take some time before it starts to smell like us again" said Harry Jr^3. "But I won't complain. We have our family's house again and it even comes with an undetonated Cruise Missile with the inscription 'to MrWIA with love' as a garden sculpture".
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GoW celebrates 1000-year anniversary of Great Bobian War battle
Battle of Pamplona Forest turned the tide of the war decisively
IMPERIAL CITY - GoW marked the 1,000th anniversary of the Second Battle of Pamplona Forest with a rousing military parade across the Great Mall of such lavish scale which has only been since the V-B and V-L Day celebrations in 410 AD and 1275 AD respectively. The battle marked the turning point in the war in which a GS army was destroyed by an Ansar/Rider force just south of Pamplona. Over a million people flocked to the Great Mall and crowded the roofs of buildings to witness the parade which featured a stunning display of the might of the GoW Army as well as a historic tribute to the legendary Rider troops which formed the backbone of the Army during the war. Also in parade were ND troops and historical Ansar regiments which marched side-by side with GoW Riders across the Mall and past great monuments like the Arc of Aggie, the Panzerturm, and the Victory Gate ending with a rousing tribute in the war cemetaries in Enamel Park. Unsurprisingly, despite being allies during the Great Bobian War, no Lego reperesentatives were present. "We told them that we'd invite them if they disbanded their capital afterwards" said GoW diplomat Hot_Enamel. "They said no. In response we're beaming the parade via pirate satellite to their city to show them what they're missing". In an entirely unrelated event, a Full House re-run marathon had over four times the rating of the GoW parade according to Legoland TV.
The parade also served as occasion for a major national surprise: the first public playing of the Official GoW National Anthem. Written by Field Marshal UnOrthOdOx and his Rider Regiment in campaign overseas, the anthem began as a popular battle hymn sang by the troops.
Battle Hymn of the Empire
Mine eyes have seen the glory
Of the coming of the War
They are trampling out the Spanish
Where the squid were ate before
They hath loosed the fateful lightning
Of the Riders seeking gore
Glory of War is marching on
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Glory of War is marching on
In the isle of the Legos
They took the fight across the sea
With a swiftness and a fury
That did change the world to be
As the smoke was barely clearing
They let loose the nukes with glee
Glory of War is marching on
[Chorus]
In the keeping of their promise
to let the Voxians be free
They have returned them to their
homeland where they should rightly be
Then sweep on through Stormia
with their eternal friends ND
Glory of War is Marching on
Glory of Photos
GoW Navy sailors during the Great Bobian War Parade showing their unrivaled masculinity and heterosexualness.
 Attachment: youarefittingin7sm.jpg
This has been downloaded 83 time(s).
Last edited by Master Zen on 18-05-2005 at 21:07
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1365 AD
-----------------------------
BREAKING NEWS
GoW economy de-mobilized
Toilet Paper now on sale for the first time in over 300 years
IMPERIAL CITY - With the last Lego and Spanish redoubts captured by the GoW Army, an Imperial decree allowed the economy to return to peaceful civilian production after over 300 years of war production. "It is great! I can now buy a new toothbrush!" cheered Trafalgar resident Martha Sagtit "the old one was so worn out I was brushing with the handle". The malls and supermarkets across the empire were filled to the brim with shoppers buying everything from toilet paper to boxer shorts and car parts. "I was sick of hearing the Imperial March CD" said one youngster from Killdaria "now I can get the new Ashlee Simpson album and be the coolest kid on the block!"
Though it is unknown whether the new civilian production is merely a temporary affair, GoWers have been encouraged to stock up on all essential items in case rationing is re-introduced without notice, making armor-piercing shells replace stereo systems and wire-guided torpedoes take the place of kitchen stoves in most retail outlets. "I am definitely not taking any chances" said a Resolute housewife "I'm going to be stocking up on all my essentials today". When asked what those essentials were, she replied "three cans of shaving cream, six razors, two bottles of industrial-strenght Nair, and a liter-size bottle of wax. And that's just for my right leg!".
After a 300 year absence, Pokemon toilet paper is back on sale!
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GoW loses Universal Warmonger Club™ license
Building SETI was too "builder-ish"
IMPERIAL CITY - The Glory of War lost their Universal Warmonger Club™ license for an unspecified duration due to Emperor MZ's decision to use their first Great Leader ever to stimulate the construction of the SETI Program instead of using it for what every red-blooded rare meat-eating baby seal-clubbing warmonger would do: build an Army. The Universal Warmonger Club is an intergalactic non-profit assosiation which promotes the sadistic domination of others by brutal deadly force. Associates include Spartan Federation, the Mongol Empire, the Klingon race, the Galactic Empire and the administration of George W. Bush.
Leaders of the UWC expressed their profound outrage at the GoW Emperor's decision in a series of interviews with the GoN staff. "He had so much potential" said Genghis Khan, "to squander it on a wussy wonder made me think otherwise. Emperor Palpatine remarked "he was so close to achieving the full powers of the Dark Side, I am quite disappointed". Spartan leader Corazón Santiago mentioned "he really duped the UWC, though I admit there was previous evidence of his peaceful ways, I mean 800 years of peace before the Lego War seemed rather suspicious". Last but no less forgiving was the current President of the United States: "I taught him all he knows: to disregard international treaties, to invade weaker, defenseless nations with lame excuses. He is a disgrace to militarism everywhere".
It is unknown whether the UWC will re-admit GoW back into their ranks. If such a thing would happen it is said that a massive show of warmongerism, like nuclear-backstabbing ND or genocidically erradicating Vox, would be necessary pre-conditions.
Glory of Polls
Q: During the war economy's toilet paper rationing, how did you wipe your ass?
52% - With The Glory of News™
26% - With leftover "Lego: Surrender Now!" propaganda
12% - With posters of Master Zen
7% - With Imperial Tax Forms
3% - With my wife's beard
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24-04-2005 08:57
Heh I missed that at first.
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