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vondrack
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Praha, Czech Republic
Jan 2002
time: 06:19
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quote:
Originally posted by DeepO
If we were in Lego's situation at the beginning of the war, I'm sure we would have drafted at least 2 infs for each city, and left them fortified. Then, use the already built vets to try to block everything. You simply can't foresee everything, so at the expense of a bit unhappiness, each city would have got a small, token defense force. We would never have reached Stanwix with our small detachment of tanks if there would have been 2 conscripts in each city we encountered. We could have damaged you badly, taking out 4 or 5 cities, but we couldn't have killed you. |
Well, DeepO... see all those could's and would's?
With no risk, we were going to die... it would take a little bit longer, but we would die eventually anyway. We were facing two technologically superior opponents that were able to throw everything they had at us at two different fronts, outproducing us by at least 50%...
Losing a city one turn, two cities next turn, then again... what would be the point? Would it be any better than being swept away by one gigantic blow? We were told very plainly - the world had decided we had to go. We simply had to risk. It was all or nothing. Either we would make no mistake, be lucky, keep everything, suffer little damage economy- and military-wise, trap/destroy your invading armies, and hope the world would change its mind... or we'd go down.
We went down.
Try looking at it from this angle.
As for the chain... perhaps if you had less luck stumbling into our submarines, we might have had something left to sink a link or two... as it was, we had just enough to cover our intel needs. Risking an intel submarine for no apparent gain...
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DeepO
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supporting Candle'Bre
Jan 2002
time: 06:19
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quote:
Originally posted by vondrack
Well, DeepO... see all those could's and would's? |
Most definately. The reason I mention this, is that we anticipated another reaction from you, more based on what we would have done if Stormia was invaded. You made certain expectations of what we were up to, just as we tried to foresee what you were going to do... and one of those things that surprised us was that you didn't draft. Mind you, it was close, but you knew both our and GoW's invasion strength, so you also knew that in case we broke through somewhere you would have been in trouble.
If we somehow could have taken 1 city (e.g. 2 or 3 turns down the road, in case the transport attack had failed), would drafting then be considered an option?
quote:
With no risk, we were going to die... it would take a little bit longer, but we would die eventually anyway. We were facing two technologically superior opponents that were able to throw everything they had at us at two different fronts, outproducing us by at least 50%... |
I'm far from certain on this. You controlled the sea between us, and if your ships would have healed our transport lanes would have been gone. Production didn't really matter on our side, as there was no way to get troops to Legoland (no airports). You were very close to achieving total sea superiority. So, the only production you were facing was GoW's (unless GWT decided to join in the 'fun', of course). GS had produced all it could throw at you.
quote:
Losing a city one turn, two cities next turn, then again... what would be the point? Would it be any better than being swept away by one gigantic blow? |
Yes, most definately. GoW was different perhaps, in that the Stanwix block could always have been necessary, but if you let us take 1 city, protecting your hinterland, meanwhile focussing on our supply lines, you could have worn us out.
quote:
We were told very plainly - the world had decided we had to go. We simply had to risk. It was all or nothing. Either we would make no mistake, be lucky, keep everything, suffer little damage economy- and military-wise, trap/destroy your invading armies, and hope the world would change its mind... or we'd go down. |
Hum. Vondrack, you see the world a bit too dark, I'm afraid. GS never set out to remove you from the game, and I doubt GoW did. You were on a certain path to victory, and needed some clipping. Our initial ideal goal had been to take out the FP in the first turn, exposing every single unit. Write every invader off as a loss, but the damage done would set you back at least 20 turns... which was worth the cost. Our goal never has been to claim any land on Legoland.
As to GoW: when you attacked their beach head, they thought their invasion was over (it was very close too), and were prepared to start a massive bombardment of your coastal cities, just damaging you, not taking any cities. Both our teams never intended to conquer you, as we deemed it impossible. The irony of all this is that in trying to protect everything, you also exposed everything. If you would have 'given' us a city, you most likely would have stopped our expansion, and without reinforcements that meant the invasion was bound to bleed to death.
This is of course all discussion in hindsight, and I can understand your position. Drafting 2 infs per city would cost you 10% on the slider for 20 turns (perhaps not needed if you started early enough as some cities should have had plenty of happiness), 2 pop per city (so also lost production and income), and an extra 50 gpt in upkeep. Plus, in case you did foresee all possibilities it would have been unnecessary too. But it would also give you certainty, and a static defense (every inf you move doesn't get the fortify bonus, even if it has full movement left). You could still have used the rest of your troops like you did now, blocking (nearly) all our options. And the cost for this would still keep you far superior to GS... we threw everything into the war, something we could not hold for long.
quote:
As for the chain... perhaps if you had less luck stumbling into our submarines, we might have had something left to sink a link or two... as it was, we had just enough to cover our intel needs. Risking an intel submarine for no apparent gain... |
Luck? Sub hunting you mean! 
As a lesson, I think this is one to learn. You seem to underestimate how important that chain really was. 1 transport chained, gave us a choice: settlers (we transported 5 or 6 IIRC), marines, MI, tanks, artillery. Basically, because of this choice, every transport chained, is worth 4 or 5 transports in the initial stack. We managed to chain 3 transports which you could have sunk in the ideal case, basically meaning some 12 extra transports. Without that chain, we would only have had 2 settlers on Legoland, one of which was required to build New Inchon. Without that chain, we wouldn't have the MIs needed to keep our invasion stack safe, exposing it far worse than the GoW invasion stack. We also wouldn't have had the artillery to bomb your BBs. And we couldn't have threatened you with 65 marines, instead limiting to 48 marines (which means a couple less defenders for you as well).
So a few intel subs was worth it, without any doubt. As said before, I do not think you made a mistake in blocking Quanto with too few ships, however I do think you made a mistake in not focussing on our chain. It was the most dangerous aspect of our invasion, and we never were in a good position to protect it decently. Most of our cash rushing went into our chain, and in hindsight not enough was invested to keep it safe. We should have started with another 6 DDs, 2 per hub. In a few cases, we had to risk our transports to move without scouting for subs with a DD beforehand... I can tell you, those are very tense moments as a player.
DeepO
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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quote:
Originally posted by DeepO
As to GoW: when you attacked their beach head, they thought their invasion was over (it was very close too), and were prepared to start a massive bombardment of your coastal cities, just damaging you, not taking any cities. Both our teams never intended to conquer you, as we deemed it impossible. The irony of all this is that in trying to protect everything, you also exposed everything. If you would have 'given' us a city, you most likely would have stopped our expansion, and without reinforcements that meant the invasion was bound to bleed to death.
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Our part of the invasion from the start had the troublesome possiblity of being merely a bulwark towards the main attack: against the FP. The reason was simple, we were threatening the very heart of Lego's territory, specifically the two super-cities of Jackson and Legopolis it was obvious that whatever major Lego effort was done, it would be against our stack rather than GS's.
I was well aware of this from the start, hence GoW's larger preponderance of defensive units: we had over 40 infantry in the invasion stack, GS had only over 20 wheras GS was more prepared for a maneouvre operation: they had 70 tanks against our estimated 60 on D-Day+1 (in the event these were less due to the counterattack's losses) but also had well over double our settlers. Our mission was to take Jackson and Legopolis, hell, just taking Jackson would have been deemed a "success" considering what we were up against. But it was all for naught when we found out just how defended Jackson was on D-Day and when we were forced to land on a flat tile.
No-one on our team expected "a Stanwix", in retrospect it seems like such a simple, obvious move that I can't help but just snicker at how no-one on our team or on GS forsaw it (and we discussed a lot of possibilities). In the end we thought that Lego was going to slam head-on against our stack with EVERYTHING (including perhaps many infantry) expecting to wipe it out completely but that it would lead to GS getting a free hand at taking the FP with less opposition. Later I came to think that Lego was merely going to pillage the surroundings and leave us in a slogging match where we would slowly but surely be wound down. Despite our productive advantage, there are only so many casualties that one can take without withering away into defeat.
In the event the Stanwix maneouvre prevented us from founding our city and basically threated the entire operation. Retreat was a serious option being considered, fortunately the 6 infantry lost at Stanwix after GS attacked it was deemed sufficient help so that the possiblity of taking the city was there - if the attack order was perfect. This meant withering out Lego's defensive artillery with suicide attacks from otherwise worthless units (the 2 HP Infantry) avoiding promotions and finally using the surviving Marines at full effect. How close was it? GS ran successful tests using a sim in C3C, of course C3C heavily favors bombardment of units in a city, in PTW the odds would not be quite so favorable. But still it had to be a go, why? Because the only alternative was to sit back and bomb Lego one city after another with Carriers. Might as well expend the stack and cross our fingers. Just so you know when our last tank took the fort there were only 2 more 1-HP tanks available for attack as well as another movement for the tank that won and IIRC a damaged Marine and a damaged Infantry.
In our private forum before the invasion I mentioned once that I felt that our participation in the invasion would be akin to the British in Normandy: tying up the bulk of German forces before Caen despite being hardly able to budge while leaving the mobile Americans an opening in the west for a massive breakthrough (heck, even the geography was in perfect analogy!). It went so similar to history that it's almost scary... 
-MZ
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DeepO
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supporting Candle'Bre
Jan 2002
time: 06:19
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We always leaned more to the pillage option. Not only the roads, but also cities. Aeson was very critical from the start on our plans of splitting the threat between Sando, Quanto, Abilene, and Tip... he thought 2 of the cities would be disbanded, 1 blocked, and the last one (Abilene) defended. He was kind of right, months in advance.
Once we landed, the same thing happened. We thought either Jackson or Dye fields was going to be disbanded. Which in itself was a good result, one major city down...
Stanwix might be a simple thing, it was totally unexpected. Which testifies for the brilliance of the move.
MZ, one remark: it was not so much the 6 lost infs and 6 damaged infs that did it, it was more a question of absorbing 12(?) defensive bombardments for you which turned the tide. And you were kind of unlucky in your attack, as the numeruous sims done by Aeson never failed, and he was taking enough margins in the difference between C3C and PTW. It was a very slim chance you could have failed if you were smart in which unit was used when.
DeepO
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vondrack
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Praha, Czech Republic
Jan 2002
time: 06:19
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quote:
Originally posted by DeepO
If we somehow could have taken 1 city (e.g. 2 or 3 turns down the road, in case the transport attack had failed), would drafting then be considered an option? |
Maybe. It would depend on the WW situation. Keep in mind you had almost all luxuries in the world to combat WW. We had 1 of our own and 1 from ND. That's a LOT of happy faces missed... With gigantic battles taking place, WW would be (was) mounting up insanely fast. Getting to a point where we'd have to run 40%+ lux slider was very much like a total defeat... we'd be falling further behind tech-wise, only postponing the inevitable end.
quote:
Originally posted by DeepO
quote:
With no risk, we were going to die... |
I'm far from certain on this. You controlled the sea between us, and if your ships would have healed our transport lanes would have been gone. Production didn't really matter on our side, as there was no way to get troops to Legoland (no airports). You were very close to achieving total sea superiority. So, the only production you were facing was GoW's (unless GWT decided to join in the 'fun', of course). GS had produced all it could throw at you. |
OTOH, GoW was ruling the seas between us and Bob. With their carrier fleet, every turn of bombardment hurt so badly. With our economy mobilized, non-military buildings lost were irreplaceable. One turn of bombing runs against one of our best cities meant we pretty much lost it, even if still possessing it.
quote:
Originally posted by DeepO
As a lesson, I think this is one to learn. You seem to underestimate how important that chain really was.
[...snip...]
So a few intel subs was worth it, without any doubt. |
I cannot agree here. What I call an "intel" sub was a submarine that made sure a certain area was free of your transports - thus a certain number of our coastal cities was safe and needed NO defense. Without this intel, we'd have had to defend even against potential threats. Your initial sneak attack deprived us of most of our navy in the Western Ocean - we barely had subs enough left to reform an "intel perimeter" allowing us to deploy defenses effectively.
We had no spare subs that could hunt for your chain out in the open sea.
But honestly, my initial remark was not meant seriously - hence the smilie... I was not complaining or anything. Without "being here", it's easy to say that had we done this or that, we might have achieved something else, perhaps not losing or losing later or... the fact is our strategy worked quite well (also thanks to that you did not think of the Stanwix trick) - until we forgot that no artillery landed one turn did not necessarily mean you could not bombard a turn later...
C'est la vie...
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DeepO
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supporting Candle'Bre
Jan 2002
time: 06:19
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quote:
Originally posted by vondrack
Maybe. It would depend on the WW situation. Keep in mind you had almost all luxuries in the world to combat WW. We had 1 of our own and 1 from ND. That's a LOT of happy faces missed... With gigantic battles taking place, WW would be (was) mounting up insanely fast. Getting to a point where we'd have to run 40%+ lux slider was very much like a total defeat... we'd be falling further behind tech-wise, only postponing the inevitable end. |
No... there is no WW in this game, only war-un-weariness. All you could lose was the bonus you were given when attacked. From the last investigations, I was already thinking your slider was very high, you could probably have kept it at that level if you drafted in all but the most happy-critical cities.
quote:
OTOH, GoW was ruling the seas between us and Bob. With their carrier fleet, every turn of bombardment hurt so badly. With our economy mobilized, non-military buildings lost were irreplaceable. One turn of bombing runs against one of our best cities meant we pretty much lost it, even if still possessing it. |
That was a problem, yes. But you had no choice other than to deal with one problem at the time. And GoW had to spend all their bombers on 1 city per turn to get any result (meaning the factory and cath gone, which were the most critical buildings), which left you some time. You also knew we had no bombers, so the other side was safe.
quote:
I cannot agree here. What I call an "intel" sub was a submarine that made sure a certain area was free of your transports - thus a certain number of our coastal cities was safe and needed NO defense. Without this intel, we'd have had to defend even against potential threats. Your initial sneak attack deprived us of most of our navy in the Western Ocean - we barely had subs enough left to reform an "intel perimeter" allowing us to deploy defenses effectively. |
Good point, and one I didn't fully consider. However, weren't all of our transports accounted for? You knew how many we had, you knew how many there had to be in the chain. There was no other transport around. Also, I think that in the turn before landing, you were in a position to attack our last hub with damaged BBs and DDs. I'm not perfectly certain if it would have kept us from chaining as we spotted this beforehand, and tried to counter it by moving a couple of extra transports in the open, it all depended on how your intel was in the region of the last hub.
quote:
We had no spare subs that could hunt for your chain out in the open sea. |
no need to hunt, there weren't many positions where they could have been, even if we did try to plant some misinformation by moving in separate groups. All you had to do was attack You ended the game with over 1000 gold, if you would have spend half of that on 2 more ships on our side, it is very likely we were at this moment suing for peace. Okay, that may be a hindsight thing as well, but the consequence of leaving our chain untouched really is extreme. For all the brilliance in the rest of your moves, it's odd that you didn't see the importance of the chain. It gave us the flexibility we couldn't have gotten any other way.
quote:
But honestly, my initial remark was not meant seriously - hence the smilie... I was not complaining or anything. Without "being here", it's easy to say that had we done this or that, we might have achieved something else, perhaps not losing or losing later or... the fact is our strategy worked quite well (also thanks to that you did not think of the Stanwix trick) - until we forgot that no artillery landed one turn did not necessarily mean you could not bombard a turn later... |
I didn't read it as a complaint, vondrack. It's just that I feel like we were "there" because of all the different possibilities we considered being the Lego's. That's why it is important for me to know your reasons: we are not going to learn anything from going over our own decisions again, without hearing your view on things. It is not my intention to make this painful for you, I only hope you are interested in seeing what really happened, just as I am.
DeepO
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1305 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
Glitch hits Stormian Communications
Rumors of giant "Bug" attack unconfirmed
EYE OF THE STORM - First it was the telephones. Then it was television transmissions. In just a manner of minutes all communications with Stormia were suddenly lost in one of the strangest technological glitches in history. It all began when underwater cable stations began reporting malfunctions causing delays in telegram and telephone services between Stormia and the rest of the world but no sooner was this being reported when television and radio transmitions went off the air also. "I was calling my girlfriend at Elipolis when suddenly her voice faded and all I got was static" said Skulgaria resident Moot Soot. "See, that's what I get for going into long-distance relationships with catalog girls". But he was not the only one. Phone-sex and international dating are thriving industries in the Glory of War as young men are feeling more and more attracted to Arab, Spanish and Stormian women rather than the hairy bearded local stock. "This glitch could signal collapse for our industry" remarked Pooh Hefner, CEO of The Glory of Hustling, with communications with Stormia severed, who are we going to put on our cover next month, Belinda Bigfoot? Who's going to want to buy that!"
Causes of the glitch have caused a number of rumors to surface, the most fantastic of which is the one about a giant "Bug" rampaging through Stormian cities. Though unconfirmed, the giant "Bug" was mentioned on numerous occasions on Stormian radio and TV shortly before the glitch though it is unsure whether such reportings were part of the local news, or part of the Monster Movie Marathon Weekend on cable.
Oh My God! It's Tripzilla!
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Museum of Natural History opens in Imperial City
Legoland Fauna Exhibition generates record crowds
IMPERIAL CITY - Streets were jammed and people flocked to the city center to be the first to attend the newly inagurated Museum of Natural History in Alliance Square. "I've been waiting months for this!" exclaimed Bubba Feet, "I came all the way from Irongard just to see it!". The Museum features a giant hall of the most impressive native animals found on the Legoland continent and which had hitherto been unknown to the rest of the world except through books and illustrations as well as first-person accounts from troops who saw these animals in the wild. The Glory of News obtained an exclusive interview with the curator of the museum, Dr. Ennet.
GoN: What is so special about Lego fauna?
E: Lego fauna is unique in the world. Millions of years before when the world was created the continents were all one big landmass. But geological change resulted in the separation of the Legoland continent and thus, the isolation of countless species there. On the other hand, the Bobian and Stormian continents were always closely linked which means that other than some strange cases - like stormchickens - the same fauna can be found throughout.
GoN: It seems Lego fauna come in all shapes and sizes
E: Yes, unlike our animals which are composed of cells, Lego animals are composed of blocks. This leads to some interesting variations and is highly versatile. For example, when one kind of block is scarce in nature, the species simply evolve by changing different blocks. The possibilities are limitless, in theory you can have an elephant turning into an intergalactic spaceship in a couple million years.
GoN: Any other pecularities you wish to mention?
E: Ah yes, Lego animals are interesting because their babies tend to be much larger than the adults.
GoN: Why is that?
E: DNA tests have shown us that their blocks are composed of "duplo", a much larger but clumsier block type. But after reaching 3 years and older they start using regular blocks. We suspect that the small blocks can be hazarardous to their health if accidentally injested.
GoN: On a related topic, do these findings shed new light on the endless debate between evolution and CIVXEDIT.EXEism? The CIVXEDIT.EXE fanatics insist that the world was created with the click of a mouse rather than after millions of years of evolution and geological change.
E: It's nonsense my friend, evolution was discovered and proven in Stormia years ago, the CIVXEDIT.EXEists' claims are no less ludicrous than the RNGists who claim our destiny is already written in the stars.
Legoland animals on display at the Museum
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Admiralty In Crisis!
GoW Navy runs out of awe-inspiring names for warships
TRAFALGAR - Over two centuries since the birth of the modern GoW Navy, the Admiralty has declared that it has officially run out of awe-inspiring names for its new warships. "We never expected to actually build all of these ships when the first master list was made" said Admiral of the Fleet Yamamotorola, "now, we're entirely devoid of ideas". The crisis began shortly after the Lego War began when names of deadly fish for the transports ran out. "Our first transports were named IWS Barracuda, IWS Thresher, etc. Our later ones had to be content with being christened the IWS Killer Goldfish and the IWS Rubber Duckie, just to name a few". The Admiralty believes that names affect the performance of ships though practice has disproven this on more than one occassion: the IWS Challanger was "challanged" by Lego ships and promptly sunk. And the IWS Executioner was likewise "executed" by the enemy off the coast of Jackson.
Neverthless the names of some of these ships have now been immortalized in naval lore, vessels like the IWS Thunderflare, the IWS Chimaera and the IWS Death's Hand performed admirably in combat, as the Admiralty would like to believe, thanks to the psycological edge given by a naming sistem which evokes images of power and might. But not all agree. "Our men are proud of the Rubber Duckie!" explained ship's Captain Kook "so what if our ship is named after a bathroom accessory, we still be goin' to kick some be-hind! Yee-haw motherf*ckers!"
The Glory of Tourism presents
Imperial City Restaurant Guide
First time in Imperial City? Have a taste of GoW in one of these fine establishments which cater to everyone's appetite and wallet.
Exclusive (20g+)
Bistro Farb - From Oklahoma roadkill al dente to marinated troll, Bistro Farb is the place to go for prime cuts.
El Roleplayero - Delicious Spanish cuisine served by unemployed former Roleplayers. Their specialty is the midget squid though service can be slow at times since they spend more time talking than they do cooking.
Midline (5-8g)
Hard Knock Café - Decorated with Luxian memorabilia it also doubles as a cocktail lounge. Try the "Bloody Trip" if you come.
Taco Zen - Owned by relatives of the Imperial family, this is Zenophobian cuisine at its best.
UnO's Bar & Grill - The only restaurant where the meat is always served raw and you get to keep the bones as a souvenir. Great for kids.
Budget (1-3g)
Arashi Fried Chicken - The world-famous Stormian fast-food chain serves cheap stormchicken sizzling with Col. Theseus' secret recipe
McDonegeald's - The burger chain that started it all. Don't let the allegations of industrial toxic waste stop you, these burgers are top notch.
Beta Hut - Refining his cooking skills while locked in a Voxian dungeon, Beta presents the finest pizzas at a great price.
Last edited by Master Zen on 08-02-2005 at 11:35
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1310 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
Roleplay shares continent with GoW and ND Again
"Oh my f*cking God" offical Royal reaction
CLOUDBURST - At first it was all happyness and joy. The Gathering Storm had surprisingly gifted most of its colonial empire, the largest in the world, to its old ally Roleplay. "It was imperative that Roleplay recover its former glory so that it can be a full partner in the world community" explained ambassador Cort Haus. Roleplay officials were overwhelmed at the news "Happy times are here again, we are part of a major continent once more!" exhalted one headline among many. Citizens flocked to the streets amids massive reveling and many more embarked with their belongings on the many ships heading to colonize the new lands. "It's like starting anew" cried María Elena Carolina Sanchez Hernández de los Milagros, "Now I can raise my family without the constraints of our little territory on Stormia, we can actually have our own farm!"
The Spanish government immediately set up a Royal Colonial Authority, appointing a Viceroy to the newly aquired territories. Upon glancing on the new map of Legoland the Viceroy's heart froze. "Monterrey, we have a problem". It was the neighbors. Spain found itself surrounded by the Warmonger and Neu Demogyptican colonial empires, their former enemies from the Bobian war. King Togas explained in an exclusive GoN interview "We were duped. GS told us that we'd share the continent with themselves and with Vox, they never said anything about having GoW and ND as neighbors". Ambassador Cort Haus was quick to respond "Well, err, we might have ommitted a few teeny weeny details, but I mean, c'mon, Spain has a big empire now! So what if their two neighbors weren't entirely friendly with them in the past, times have changed".
Seeking to soothe their neighbor's worries, GoW Emperor Master Zen immediately approached the Spanish Viceroy with an offer of a Mutual Protection Pact in case the Demogyptican Colonial Army attacked either of them. The Spanish reply was simple: "F*uck you and your MPPs".
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Ruins of Lux to be Reopened
City to be rebuilt and redestroyed
SKULGARIA - With thousands of people unhappy at the wanton clearing up of the Ruins of Lux by former Emperor Panzerius XXXII, work on reconstructing the ruins has begun. The decision to reconstruct what was left of the old Luxian capital was taken personally by Emperor MZ since "that stupid forest was so wussy looking". With the annual budget showing a settler surplus left over from various turns ago, and with no areas to settle either on Bob or on Legoland, the surplus labor can be used to rebuild the ruins in a matter of weeks. "Inefficient?" questioned Interior Consul Panzer32, "no way!, I mean, we spent half our history with only 2 workers, wasting a settler hardly tarnishes our reputation!". Moreso, the Parliamentary Comitte of Warmongerian Activities defined inefficiency as a distinct Warmongerian trait. "Perfectionism is sinonymous with Stormia and Legoland, we do not want to associate with such anti-Warmongerian behaviour".
A number of citizens have protested the effort saying that a reconstructed ruins did not have "the same historical value as the original". To that, Emperor MZ replied, "Once our Ministry of Truth gets in gear, nobody will ever remember there was ever a forest planted over the ruins. Wait, did I say forest? What forest? I don't remember any forest..."
------------------------------
The Glory of Statistics presents
Warmonger Almanac 1310 AD Edition
Geography
Highest Point: Master Zen's ego (10,000m)
Lowest Point: Master Zen's IQ after 7 vodkas (< 40)
Coldest Point: Master Zen's heart (-60°C)
Hottest Point: Inside Master Zen's royal pants (Close to boiling)
Military
Shortest War: GoW vs GS during the Voxian War (1 turn)
Longest War: GoW vs Lux (war is constantly re-declared when Slave Trip fails to work his shifts)
Biggest Military Machine: Death Star (under construction at Dreadnaughtica, 35,208 turns left)
Bloodiest Battle: We're not going there again...
Architecture
Tallest building: The Duplo World Trade Center in Legoland (destroyed after a suicide strike by the 69th Beared Lady Bomber Squadron during the Lego War)
Oldest Library: Sure as hell ain't in GoW
Largest Library: Stormian National Archive (500+ posts in a turnthread OMFG!!!)
Politics
Longest Running Monarch: King Togas of Spain (he's definitely on Botox...)
Most Obscure Head of State: The Stormian Exectuve (we still don't know if it's a President, Emperor, King, Primer Minister, or just the AI set on Deity)
Largest Number of Executives: Neu Demogyptica (Half of Germany seems to have played at least one turn)
Imperial City Colisseum
Scheduled Events
MON - Lions vs. Luxians (current score: Lions 3,981,111 - Luxians 0)
TUE - The Greatful Dead Live
WED - Celine Dion Live (Cancelled - Celine Dion shot and killed by Imperial Decree)
THU - The Phantom of the Nightclub (Starring MZ himself)
FRI - Farber Bros. Circus (With GhengisFarb as the Evil Clown)
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Master Zen
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of naughty
Jan 2003
time: 23:19
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The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print
1325 AD
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BREAKING NEWS
Riots in Santa Barbara!
GoW Battleship causes city-wide rampage
SANTA BARBARA - It was a normal sunny spring morning in the Spanish city of Santa Barbara. Beachgoers were enjoying a typical splash in the crystaline waters when from afar, the large gray sillouhette of the IWS Executioner became visible. It then turned into a scene remniscient of the movie Jaws as thousands panicked and ran from the beach towards the city center. The cries could be heard everywhere: "ˇDios mio, son los hijos de puta warmongeros otra vez!!!" (Translation: OMG, it's those [expletive deleted] warmongers again!). The city center turned into chaos, shops were looted and burned as citizens armed themselves with basic necessities in case of invasion. GoN interviewed one such looted, Mr. Miguel Alejandro Esteban Hernández de la Fuente de los Milagros Yeah ese, we need those DVDs and televisions and stereos and stuff man, in case GoW invades or something man!. Asked exactly how DVDs would be used to stop a GoW invasion he replied Umm, we can like throw it at them ese, like ninja blades or something man!. Among other items looted were hairdryers, toaster ovens and even a Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine.
More chaos erupted when the looters stormed into the local zoo, letting lose a horde of wild bulls which stormed through the narrow streets of the city center. One death was reported when an unlucky citizen stepped on a banana peel while being chased by one such beast, dozens more were injured in the chase. Once Spaniard, whose name was too long to print commented: "It was exhilarating man!, I jumped over a wall just as the puto toro was about to stick its horn up my behind! We should make a tradition out of this!" Finally, a few individuals managed to lure the bulls into the city colisseum where they were killed by Spanish knights in very-flashy-yet-gay-looking tights in a fantastic spectacle which is rumored to turn into a professional sport now.
Offshore, we intervied the commander of the GoW battleship, Captain Crunch. "We had no plans to even get near the city, we're heading towards Port Isolation. When some of the crew saw the city in flames they congratulated me on such fine gunnery, it was a bit embarrassing to say that we didn't actually fire a shot".
Arnelos and MrWIA run from the bulls. At right, WhiteBandit loses his balance.
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GoW hits Lego refugee ship
"It's a miracle, we're immortal!" claims ZargonX
CAMULDONUM - A normal war exercise by Voxian and GoW warships turned to tragedy as GoW bombers "accidentally" hit a Lego refugee transport caught in the middle. Carrier-based bombers from the IWS Aggie were flying a routine practice run against the battleship VCS Wittlich City which in turn was testing its anti-air capabilities when the bombers mistook the Lego ship for the Voxian dreadnought at high altitude. Flight Lieutentant Crom Tuise explained to GoN that they had accidentally loaded the bombers with live explosives instead of dummies and that their radars accidentally confused the blip. "Well, we are proud that unlike the Bearded Ladies of the last war, this time our bombs did hit the target the first time around, must be a first". Despite the damage, the ship was not sunk, a true miracle some would say.
Conspiracy theorists have begun rumors that the attack was, in fact, a GoW plot to wipe out Lego permanently with news that their elusive leader, ZargonX, was on that ship. However, a new video of a bearded and haggard-looking ZargonX was released shortly after the attack. In the video, ZargonX accused the "Great Warmongerian Satan" of attacking innocent civilians and vowed to "crush the evil GoW-Stormian alliance, god willing". The ship's survival also prompted the renegade leader to claim "we are immortal, all your bombs and bullets cannot kill us!" To this day, the hunt for ZargonX continues by GoW troops in the mountains of Legoland to no avail.
"Die Master Zen, die!"
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A message to our faithful readers by the Editor
Dear GoN readers. It had come to our attention for many years that our many envious and spiteful enemies in the industry have continously branded our news service as "biased, partial, untruthful, fake, satiric, fetid-pile-of-bat-poo" among other unwarranted and utterly false labels. They have stated that our reports do not adjust to reality.
Recent events regarding the Roleplay-Neu Demogyptica crisis, however, have proved otherwise. In our landmark 1310 AD edition we warned of the impending doom regarding Roleplay's Legoland colonies. What our enemies have failed to address is not whether our news adjusts to reality, but that in fact REALITY ADJUSTS TO OUR REPORTS.
So to all rival publications, next time you brand The Glory of News as the most biased news service in existance, think again before dissing All the News That's Unfit to Print™ 
Last edited by Master Zen on 22-03-2005 at 13:31
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21-01-2005 06:51
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