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Flubber
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With a view of the Rockies
Aug 2000
time: 22:23
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quote:
Originally posted by Kidicious
Ok but what are the terms? Is it called joint custody? Is it physical custody? |
I don't know how it works in the US but in Canada there often isn't much magic in the term "joint custody". Depending on the circustances I have seen arrangements with half time with each parent to widely divergent time arrangements styled as "joint custody" .
There are a few things to think about
1. Do you really think your child is in real danger with your wife? I read about the drug use but I am totally ignorant of the effects of this drug and have no idea how serious an addiction she has. If I saw a real danger, I know I would have a totally different approach than if I did not.
2. How much time do you have and how does your schedule differ from your wife's? Pragmatic solutions work best and pretty much everything is considered. Think hard about your schedule and what you think would work best for the child. Even a judge can see when a parent is working hard to try to make arrangements that work best for a child. Consider altering your schedule in ways that make shared parenting arrangements work better. If wifey works Tuesdays then try to make it work so you can fill all parental roles on Tuesdays
3. Decision making-- Bigger than how much time a child spends in either home is the question of who gets to make decisions related to the child. If only one parent has "custody" then it will be that parent . . . IF you two can't agree on anything EVER and look like feuding parents, a judge may reject any form of shared decision making as impractical. here you have a decision to make--- do you try for that decision making power or do you try to share that power. The starting point is shared powers just as you have before the first court order happens
The formal bias toward mothers has been rejected by Canadian courts but instead it has been replaced by a bias toward the "primary caregiver" which in most families is still the mother. ( I suspect the US is the same) If that was the case in your family, you would be starting at a disadvantage but if you have always been an equal caregiver, start thinking about that and the evidence you have of your role in your child's life.
Remember the term "best interests of the child". Everything you do and every argument you come up with should be thought of in that manner.
My foremost piece of advice though is to somehow find a way to get a lawyer. There are too many intricate details in these situations to really assess the situation. For example, I have no idea what type of impression you would make in person and that type of stuff matters a lot. Are you a hothead or can you appear calm and collected? I have seen some posts that lead me to believe you can be a hothead at times but you could have been trolling.
Good luck with it.
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shawnmmcc
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Kidicious - go for the default judgement. THEN, if she continues on good behavior, let him stay with her alot of the time.
However, be careful. Very often the better parent is not the more "fun" parent. Setting firm limits with consequences, putting the child to bed on time, making time to read books instead of stare at TV, etc. are often less "fun" but much more important.
You can always give her full custody once she proves she can stay clean. Being clean does not equal staying clean. I'm just reading between the lines, but it sounds like she has major problems with impulse control. That means that circumstances, surroundings, social group, and support play a major role in how her life unfolds. She is NOT self-directing.
I don't like talking about "keeping control", etc. Because of my childhood, I find it anathema. However, in your case you have no choice. Do not let societal expectations - he really likes to be with his mom, you are just his father, etc. determine your actions. Take advantage of the counseling services at your college, and have professionals help you.
Remember, though, just like in any field, being in mental health does not mean the counselor has an ounce of common sense, or can get past societal expectations him/herself. Having availed myself to counseling, at most a third are good, maybe about the same adequate, and about a third can make things worse due to incompetence - inabilty to listen - prejudices, etc. You must, for the best interest of your child, evaluate the provider at the first visit and decide if they are a good fit. Be brutally self-honest, just because they say what you want to hear can actually indicate they are not competent, it depends on the situation.
The best of luck, and God bless. Do not let your impulse rule what you do, keep your cool, go with the lawyer, and get custody. That may be the shock that it takes your wife to permanently clean up her life. Once you get custody, take advantage of counseling and try to get some joint for the two of you as a couple, or the three of you as a family.
Sometimes, once people get past the drugs, bad social circle, et al they really can clean up their life. Do not expect to get back together with her, even if you emotionally want to. You will have to evaluate who she is at the moment and where she is going, not who she was - where she might go. Mrs. Tuberski may be able to share some insights.
As a heads up, and I had to do this at age 29. Evaluate why you got together with her. You obviously made a mistake. Why? Do you like party girls, woman who initiate having sex, women who are hot, etc. Before I asked my wife to get married, I carefully watched her interaction with children mutliple times. This time I was going to make sure that the lady I got together with loved kids like I did. She's been a very good mommy for our little girl.
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27-02-2005 03:49
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