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monkspider
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banned
Aug 2001
time: 23:19
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Now, before we delve any further into my complicated mess of a problem, I should explain a few things. For reasons that I honestly can't explain, I really don't want a bisexual girlfriend. Now I know that doesn't sound very commie of me, and I applogize. But I simply *REALLY* don't want one. God knows I'm not the least bit homophobic. In fact, I railed against Bods in a recent thread for making some homophobic statements. I'm sure mrfun and Boris can attest for me being always being supportive of them. Perhaps this can be best compared to guys who don't want a girlfriend who smokes. It's nothing personal, but it's a big deal to me for some reason. This situation is especially problematic because my girlfriend and I are making plans to move in together very soon (!) and I am considering how is best to address this in one final, decisive discussion.
Now, with that out of the way, I have recently gotten suspicions that may infact harbor bisexual tendencies. Most of it is very undercurrent, but do hear me out.
-A penchant for softcore porn (which is of course, primarily, naked girls dancing and lesbian action), definitely something that has been seen as entertainment for guys, for the most part.
-A fixation on Britney Spears, frequently commenting on how "cute" she is and even saying Britney is cuter than a Mickey Mouse snowman I had gotten her (:eek . Therefore, I have been led to believe this goes beyond a simple admiration of her.
- She reads Maxim and some other "men's" magazines and comments on how attractive or unattractive she feels the girls are.
-Just lots of general comments on how cute certain girls are.
I must ask, how should I confront her about this? I have had a brief conversation on this subject previously, but she mostly just laughed me off by saying her actions were simply what "girls did". After discussing this with some of my guy friends, they concluded that they simply weren't so sure.
Can anyone give a desperate soul any advice on this matter? I appologize if I seem unreasonable or even crazy. But for reasons unexplainable by me, this is an area I simply can't compromise on in regards to a significant other. My girlfriend is very beautiful, and very sweet, and I will happily compromise if she doesn't like cats or hamsters or my star wars toys in the future. But I simply can't on this issue. What would be the best means of decisively broaching this subject?
I'm sorry if this subject forever labels me a closet-homophobe, but I am in desperate need of advice from the ever-wise Apoly folk.
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Serb
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Siberia, Communist party of Apolyton
Nov 2001
time: 11:19
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I don't see any problem in this. Every girls doing the same.
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Sikander
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Boulder, Colorado, United Snakes of America
Jan 2000
time: 22:19
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As Apolyton's yet to be acknowledged expert on bisexual girlfriends, let me weigh in here.
I am assuming that you are fairly young, ie in your twenties as is your girlfriend. I understand (I think anyway) why you are leery of having a bi-sexual girlfriend, it makes you worry that you will be unable to fulfill her in whatever ways you think she finds women attractive. IMO this is really not your problem unless your girlfriend turns out to actually be gay. Your feelings are completely understandable from a psychological standpoint, but they are difficult justify to certain jingoistic people of a pc bent. Tough t!tties for them, you're the one who has to learn to live with these feelings, and its not for anyone else to judge.
Probably the largest outstanding point here is that you really don't have any evidence that your girlfriend is really bisexual. She has certainly given you some reason to suspect, but she has denied it. Which leaves you with no good choice other than to attempt to put your self at ease by drawing her out on the matter as delicately as possible. In general I like to take people at their word, and I hesitate to not do so unless they have given me a very good reason not to. This obviously goes double for my S.O. It is important for your own peace of mind to be able to trust your girlfriend, and it is important for the health of your relationship that your girlfriend feel trusted. This is why any attempt to press her on this issue must be done with greatest delicacy. If she seems defensive, then you should wait for her to bring the subject up. If you cannot do so then keep in mind that you are risking "the circle of trust", and perhaps the relationship itself.
This may or may not set you at ease a bit, but it is my contention that there is little chance that you will lose your girlfriend because of her sexual orientation. Your relationship will succeed or fail based upon what each of you brought into it and your actions since then. If she runs off with a Brittany look-alike your relationship (and to be more specific, she) was not ready for prime time. This angle is often used subconsciously by people who are not emotionally prepared for a serious committed monogamous relationship. It allows them the perfect excuse to break away from a relationship which is making them increasingly uncomfortable the closer it moves to marriage, and for the weak-willed it even provides a good chance that they won't have to do the breaking up. Their conscience can be soothed because they don't have to take any responsibility themselves, nor do they have to leave any responsibility on their partner for the breakup. You mention that you are scheduled to move in with this girl recently. How sure are you that she is still in to that? This seems like a better angle to pursue in conversation than directly going to the bi thing, because IMO it doesn't put her on the spot about an issue which is really tangential to the really important question of whether you two are ready to take your relationship to the next step.
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Sikander
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Boulder, Colorado, United Snakes of America
Jan 2000
time: 22:19
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quote:
Originally posted by monkspider
See, I know most guys might prefer this, as AH demonstrates, but if I only have one absolute requirement in a girl, it's that she isn't attracted to other girls.
Am I hopeless?  |
I'm amending my statement based upon this comment. Are you ready to have a real committed relationship? Not with some idealized version of a woman that doesn't exist, but with a real woman? If so then let this go. The important thing is not her meeting every item on your checklist, it's whether you two can be happy in the long run, bring out the best in each other and grow together. Your fixation on this suggests that perhaps you are having second thoughts. It's ok to not be ready, but it's important to know why and to not jerk other people around because you don't know yourself well-enough not to.
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24-05-2002 12:08
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