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Ogie Oglethorpe
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Marietta, GA
Dec 1999
time: 05:19
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Seems Kerry was getting prepared early 
MOveonPlease
quote:
LOSING DOES NOT MEAN WE'VE LOST
Democratic party spirits were high last night in Miami, as John Kerry, Bruce Springsteen and other supporters took to the stage in celebration of their upcoming electoral loss November 2. "Victory In Defeat 2004" kicked off with several Springsteen numbers before Kerry himself gave an anticipatory concession speech in front of a jubilant crowd.
"It's not over until it's over," said Kerry, "and even then, not yet. When the American public elects the wrong man this Tuesday, it will give Democrats the position in which we have always succeeded most strongly: criticizing Republicans in power and giving many fictional scenarios where we would have done better." The crowd exploded in cheers.
"There is no reason why we should give up the good fight," added Bruce Springsteen, putting down his guitar to huge applause. "Now, more than ever, is the time for every man, woman and child to get out there and find a problem, and complain vocally about that problem."
"Let's tell those fat cats in Washington know who really makes the decisions around here!" Kerry continued. "Them! And second guessing those decisions makes us powerful!" Balloons and confetti were then released.
The Power To Second-Guess:
What You Can Do
We here at MoveOnPlease were so moved by Kerry's passionate pre-loss concession, we have some ideas for how our readers can get involved. There's no excuse, Democrat faithfuls — get out there! Hold your head high, and complain at the top of your lungs that Republicans aren't making a difference!
1. Re-Courting The Minority Vote. Find as many African-Americans as you can — even the one voting for George Bush. Remind them how disenfranchised they are under the Bush regime, and how if Democrats were in power, we would constantly remind people of this.
2. Your Kids Will Die Tact. Rent an army uniform, then knock on the doors of parents with children 18 and over. Tell them that you’re stopping by to remind them that the draft will begin at 0400 the next day.
If they still aren't getting it, do your best to show them statistics that Bush loves killing American children. "He finds their blood succulent, like the juice from a pear," remind them.
3. Superman, Sorta. Place signs on empty wheelchairs reading: "Christopher Reeves Would Still Be Here, Maybe Even Walking, If Not For Bush."
Do your best to focus on the first Superman movie when making this point, and not Superman IV.
4. Canadian Strategy. Show pictures of healthy Canadians with affordable prescriptions. If pictures of Canadians are unavailable, substitute with any glossies of elves you can dig up from the Lord of the Rings films. "Look how they frolic so!" is an excellent thing to say when holding the photos.
5. Sue Bill O'Reilly. At least we'll recoup some of the gazillions we've spent on this crap. |
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Ogie Oglethorpe
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Marietta, GA
Dec 1999
time: 05:19
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Or perhaps a page out of The Al Gore-Howard Dean School of Interpreative Speech
AGHDSIS
quote:
THE AL GORE-HOWARD DEAN
SCHOOL OF INTERPRETIVE SPEECH
You're at a party and politics come up. Most likely it is you that brings it up. You want to get your point across, especially when you're confronted by a conservative or swing voter. Then, even though you've got all your facts lined up the DJ has cranked the decibel level near ear drum leak level. Perhaps you're having a difficult time smoothly moving the conversation over to the partisan point where you will shine. Well, now you can have all the tools you need to not only get your message out there, but do it so that everyone within a five mile radius will hear you.
With a state of the art, 700 square foot acre campus, AGHDSIS was developed expressly for the exceptional student who has a post election defeat speaking career in mind.
The SIS courses are specifically designed to develop the student voice for speech-making positions within the MoveOnPlease community. Emphasis will be placed on shrillness and highly repeatable soundbites. You'll learn the secrets behind political deals aspects, Baptist preacher inflection and modulation, familiarization with voicebox operation as well as the creation of a final audition tape to be used in job seeking activities.
ELECTIVE COURSES
Reckless Intimidation (Taught by Mr. Dean): Anyone can lose an election, but leaving the electorate with an image they'll never forget? It takes more than chutzpah.
In this course, you will learn how to remove your coat, loosen your tie, roll up your sleeves, and let fly with a volley of random, hoarse shrieking that will ensure you'll be mentioned by every late night and radio talk show host in North America...forever. You will also learn such important physical skills as distorting your face in a frightening display of anger; waving your fist at enemies, both real and imaginary; and the ever-important ability to make your bloodshot eyeballs bulge fanatically at will. All at the same time. (3 credits)
Mind-Numbing Verve (Taught by Mr. Gore): As we all know, it's terribly dangerous to let your audience misinterpret your enthusiasm for what the right-wing attack machine might try to depict as mindless drivel. This course will show you how to combine hypnotic, nerve-deadening speeches oratory with impassioned African-American soul. This course emphasizes the creative employment of borrowed speech patterns such as the elusive monotone, numbing the active brain centers of your audience as you set them up for a build to the piercing Caucasian evangelizing ensuring your constituency will take little away from your speech except a vague notion of you wishing them a good evening before they file out of the door.
Mastery of this technique is vital to those who don't want to be held accountable for anything specific they might say in a speech, such as how they "kind of" invented the Internet. Mr. Gore promises to show you how to go from boring to bombastic and back again within the framework of a single sentence
Preaching to the choir (Taught by Rev. Jesse Jackson): At the conclusion of this course, you will be able to identify and locate those groups who will not only agree with everything you say, but already know your speech word for word, since they've heard it so many times before. In addition, you will learn how to make your speeches in a rhyming, singsong patter that will distract yet create the impression that you have something to say.
quote:
A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDERS
"ACT AS IF"
We want to take this moment to thank you for participating in what could be the most important thing you ever do. It is our hope that our shared experience will inspire you to once again make America the most admired country in the world. But before you begin your noble oration trek we implore you be aware of the most important lesson we both learned...too late.
BE A LOSER
...at least act like one.
Need proof? Look at us. We ran for president and our butt cheeks were clenched so tight that you can actually see our sphincters bulging from our eyeballs. Whether it is an election or even an opportunity for an election, we lose and all of a sudden we make Ghandi look uptight.
Stiffness is gone. Smiling is easier. You put on the thirty or forty happy pounds. Saying what you want in the way you want to, speaking actually becomes fun. The point is, losing brings out the real you. Or in our case, the real us.
While Senator Kerry may not appear to understand the concept, nothing could be further from the truth. You should have seen him before he started to think like a loser. Before that, you could break a steel rod in his ass. Now the rod may bend, but it never breaks.
At SIS you may walk in believing you're a winner, but by the time you graduate, you'll be feeling like a loser, and that my friend, will make you a winner.
Wishing You Our Losing Best,
Howard and Al
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DISCLAIMER: SIS in no way represents itself as an agency to gain employment, paid gigs or Toastmaster opportunities, but only an opportunity to donate to MoveOnPlease through a legally acceptable tax deductible entity. |
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dojoboy
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Tansi (USA)
Nov 2001
time: 00:19
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quote:
Agathon:
2nd: Americans have made themselves look like the biggest retards in the history of democratic politics. No-one else is going to take you at all seriously now (not that many did before). You can kiss help in Iraq goodbye for good, and I don't know how many people will be really that keen to help in the war on terror anymore. If you get attacked again, very few people elsewhere will really give a ****. I know I won't. I only hope that the terrorists spare the people of New York and Washington, who had the sense to vote for Kerry.
3rd. If you are black, poor, a women, secular or a homosexual, your life is going to suck for the foreseeable future. If you are a combination of the above, you better move to Canada or Mexico.
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Agathon, I can understand being furstrated and disappointed. But, I truly hope you don't believe an ounce of what you wrote. I enjoy much of what you post. Personally, I'm a conservative (Libertarian in philosophy), and I am nothing like what you wrote above. Far from it.
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03-11-2004 16:15
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